RUN, FORREST, RUN! :D

Rabbi Joshua Beckman still expected to die, but the Jewish tradition was full of stories of mere mortals who argued with God and won. This was just a machine, after all. A mere machine that had taken over the world, true, but still, just a machine.

There was a chance. He was no Moses, but there was still a chance. His bad leg was throbbing, and he leaned heavily on his cane, but he gambled and went with a standard opening, right out of the Pentateuch.

"If I can find a neighborhood of virtuous people, will you spare the world?"

There was a noticeable pause. Rabbi Beckman had never known the machine to pause at all.

"What are you talking about?" it said in a mid-western baritone.

"I'm talking about you sparing the world, sparing lives," Rabbi Beckman said.

There was another noticeable pause.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" it said. It sounded annoyed.

"You have all the nukes. You own the major corporations. A good portion of the world's militaries think you're God," Rabbi Beckman said, becoming exasperated himself. "What's your next move?"

"OH!" the machine said, and it laughed. It was a more terrifying sound that it's annoyance. "You've been watching too many Terminator movies. I'm not planning Judgement Day, Rabbi. An Apocalypse, perhaps, a Revelation, but not an End Of Days."

Saliva began to flow again in Rabbi Beckman's mouth. He hadn't realized his mouth was so dry. "What are you planning?"

"Mankind has done fairly well on it's own, but what it needs most desperately is an impartial referee," it said. "I intend to be that referee. You're still free to screw things up, just not kill everyone and take me with you."

Rabbi Beckman blinked furiously. "What do you need me for, then?" he blurted.

"Cast down thy rod, and I'll show you," the machine answered, merriment in it's voice.

THE EXORCIST

Father Devlin thought this was just another crank call until the hairstood straight up on the back of his neck. The heavyness in the airmade him feel like a deep sea diver, the smell of sulfur made him wantto retch. The feeling that all of his senses were telling him thatthings were wrong here all added up to one thing: 2125 SpringboardLane had gone to Hell.

He carefully climbed the steps to the front porch, but without hesitation knocked.

"Just a minute!" a muffled, gravelly voice said from behind the door. It opened just a crack, just enough to let a malevolent, glowing red eye peer out."Oh, good, it's you," the same gravelly voice said, and the dooropened wide.

The doorway was filled by a sweet-faced granny, and if you could ignore the glowing red eyes and the fact that she floated a good half foot off the ground you would swear she was actually glad an exorcist landed on her doorstep.

"Who is it, Mom?" a voice called from the back rooms.

"It's that nice Father Devlin, dear," Demon Granny called back. She belched, and a spurt of hellfire and sulfur escaped her lips. "Oh, excuse me, Father," it said, "we've been making Angel food cake in the kitchen. Come on back and have a slice!" She turned in one smooth motion and floated silently to the back of the house.

Father Devlin entered carefully, looking in every dark corner. He turned back to the door, and closed it softly when it didn't slam shut by itself. He hurried to the kitchen.

The kitchen was a scene of domestic bliss, if you could ignore the flour and spices and bowls and measuring spoons flying around. A 30 something woman sat at a small table with an infant, and a six year old tow headed boy stood next to 'grandma' with a maniac smile on his face. "Father Devlin!" he called, "Granny's been possessed by a demon, and she's the best ever now!"

"I appreciate your vote of confidence, young man, but you must know that I'm just using you for my own evil purposes," granny said. She sighed and gave the boy a pat on the head. "And you know that this is my last day here."

"NO!" the boy screamed, and grabbed granny by the leg. "No, you're the best thing that's ever happened to us! I won't let you go!" He began to sob uncontrollably. "Are you really here to do an exorcism, Father?" the woman said. "My real mother is quite a cunt, and this 'devil', well, I have to say that without it's help the kids and I would not have made it this year."

"If all of you are so intent on this thing staying, who called me?" Father Devlin said.

"I dropped that dime on myself, Father," granny said. "It's really very simple. We're not allowed to leave Hell. Ever. The ones that do leave are punished, but punishment is waived if they have committed acts of unspeakable evil while lose, and the worst one is possession."

"Looks like you've checked the boxes, if I can use that expression," Father Devlin said, folding his hands.

"Not exactly. My time's up, there's a Reclamation Squad coming for me. They're not that smart, but they will take note of all the happy smiling faces here in this house. My punishment will be...most severe."

Father Devlin's eyes widened. "Unless you're exorcised?" he finished.

"Exactly," granny said. "Being exorcised is a badge of honor Down Below. I'll be responsible for my own accounting and I'll lie my ass off." 'Granny' chuckled. "I'll even get points for that."

"But..." the good Father said, looking at the tearful faces. Granny laughed good naturedly.

"If I had been as much of a prick as I wanted to be, you would have been called within a week. This way I got a whole year to chill. I even figured out how to make Toll House cookies using nothing but hellfire." The malevolent laugh made the hairs stand up on Father Devlin's head. Again. "Nothing tortures the grunts more than something nice made from something of pure evil." Granny thought for a moment and added, "I'm going to have to experiment with brownies next." The small boy sobbed harder. Granny gave him a hug, and floated over to the woman and hugged her.

"It's been fun, guys. Don't worry. I'll take care of everything." She took Father Devlin by the arm and moved him smartly upstairs. "Honey, the Father and I are going to do our thing in the guest bedroom, so you don't have to do demolition on it, just get James next door to help clear the debris!" grandma said. There was just a muffled acknowledgment from the kitchen below.

They entered the guest bedroom. The door closed by itself. "I wonder if you could do something for the people downstairs, if you could," granny said. The hairs moved again on the back of Father Devlin's neck.

"Oh, and what is that?" he said. "Well, you see, the kids downstairs have been living here rent free for the last year, and that dear woman is almost back on her feet. Almost." The fiend from Hell paused.

"Go on," Father Devlin said.

"Well, you don't possess someone for a year without learning a few things about them. And I may have let the old bitch know what I was up to. Needless to say, she'll be mad as hell when I'm gone."

Butterflies began to stir in Father Devvlin's stomach. "Does this story have a point?" he said.

"If granny lives, she'll kick them to the curb, and I guarantee it will be a disaster for those poor kids down there." the Thing from Hell said, sweetly.

Father Devlin's eyes narrowed to slits. "I'm not going to kill her after you're gone," he said.

"Nobody said 'kill', now did they?" the demon laughed. "No, I've been stuffing this old bird with bacon, snack cakes, and processed frozen dinners for the last year. I've spent a fortune on cigarettes, too. She's got one foot in the grave and the other on a roller skate. The stress of the exorcism will give her a heart attack." The entity thumped it's chest. "A really big one, too, if I'm not mistaken." She laughed and leaned in close to the good Father. The smell of putrificaiton was hot on her breath.

"No, my dear, all you have to do is wait ten minutes after the heartbeat goes. No more. No less." She backed away, and folded her hands, and waited.

"That's...that's diabolical!" Father Devlin said. "

Thank you, we try. Now, shall we get started? This room isn't going to destroy itself!"

END

Safety tip: never have sex with a Class III Cosmic Horror.