Thank you for the kind words!

All i want to say is please dont torture urself u stopped when she asked and even tho it was bad what u did u realize that and take full responsability thats the first step! Its going to be a process and it will probably hurt and u will hate it but at least you are trying. I think its in moments like this that u need to take care of urself. Something i believe in is that there are no monsters in the world there are just people who make choices and take positions i believe that it is great that u care for this situation and u want to make things diferent bcs i know people who wouldnt torture themselves for something like that and wouldnt even mind what they did and would probably do it again. Thats what makes u diferent from other cenarios . So dont be so hard on urself or at least not as much as necessary in ur point of view.

I guess maybe u will never accept it sometimes we dont need to accept stuff u just have to know that it happen and u were wrong for what u did and that will stuck with u but at least u know that u will never do it again i bet there are people who even after hating what they did they do it again and this happens in alot of other cenarios.

Just know that if u need someone to talk to im here i dont promise im the best at giving advices but i can listen. All i really want if for both of u to be ok and to take care of ur mental health. And dont thank me for being understanding i really admire u for being able to talk about it and taking responsability and facing ur actions ig a part of me wishes that my "friends" had done the same but this post gives me hope somehow so thank you !

Take care and know that u matter too. Its not bcs u are not the victim that it makes ur feeling invalid its perfectly understandable that ur have a hard time. Just work on urself and take care!

From someone who has been molested by "friends" its awful specially bcs it has happen with people i was comfortable with and would never think they would do something like that to me.

I am glad you understand that it was wrong and u want to apologize(even tho it probably wont change how she feels(at least it didnt with me)but who knows) if i were u i would give her some space, she seems to need it so dont insist she can think that u only want to apologize to her to do something again or maybe she is not comfortable being with u anymore. Whatever it is just keep in mind she went through a lot and what matters is for her to be ok...not how she feels about you nor what will happen between u two I would also recommend talking with someone. I hope this is the first time u did something like this and it doesnt have to be a therapist but at least someone that will listen and try to help you so you wont want to unalive urself bcs even tho what u did is bad you did stop and u did realize that you did something terrible(there is hope). Dont torture urself bcs of something that happen in the past u wont be able to change it im not saying u should just move on but i think u should just take a deep breath and think what can u do to live with that bcs if everyone decided to kill themselves the second they did something they regretted deeply then alot of people would be dead.

Pls work on urself and make sure she is ok dont press on her too much let her have space but if u get the chance to talk to her make sure she is feeling better! I hope i helped at least and btw im sorry if any word is wrong engkish is not my first language.

Edit: thank you for mentioning u did have alcohol in ur sistem but not blaming ur actions on it really that means alot to me since thats a very very common excuse!