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Yum_Kaax t1_j6o04p3 wrote

Reply to comment by ccorbs89 in In Need of a Friend.. by ccorbs89

May I ask what it was about bird watching that caused an issue? Seems like there is a story there and it's probably not what I would expect.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6o82sq wrote

I was mad at my partner after a few days of arguing and drunkenly downloaded tinder because I was hurt, lonely, alone and drunk. Didn’t do anything on the app, but somehow convinced a girl friend of mine to send me a nude picture. Partner saw everything when I stupidly left my Apple Watch at home.

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Yum_Kaax t1_j6o8d2e wrote

Ah, so nothing to do with birding but a joke. Sounds like that was a mistake, but a human mistake. Your partner judged you for it, you won't get any judgement from me. Thanks for explaining it.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6o8p86 wrote

But I also cheated on her (or tried to) about a year after we first started dating. She forgave me for that but this idk I feel like this I hurt her way more

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Yum_Kaax t1_j6o9spd wrote

I think that pointing out wrongdoing is not going to help you here, and what may be needed is just an acceptance that damage done cannot always be undone. But you still need to care for yourself no matter how bad you feel about your role in this. Just as she needs to do the same. There was once a time when she saw something good in you and you need to find yourself back to that place, that state of mind, even if it's without her.

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ccorbs89 OP t1_j6ob1wm wrote

Ya. I’m trying not to do that as we have a house, family and life together

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Yum_Kaax t1_j6ogy7n wrote

Well, the idea is that you understand where you need to be as the priority in your life, which, if you two can get through this, is also where you need to be for your family. However the feelings of your partner is not in your control, so you could do everything right to be in the place you need to be while she simply chooses to not be with you.

The partner and family is a priority, but one cannot better themselves for the sake of their family. It doesn't work that way. You have to do it for yourself and let gravity do the rest. Otherwise you wind up with the 'i did it all for them" which tends to cause a massive nosedive if the hurt cannot be reconciled. Sort of a way of saying "hey, I made all these changes, I did the work, if you choose to leave me, it's now all your fault." Sort of absolves a person from blame when the original problem may still remain in your partners mind. As I said, learn to accept that she may not be able to reconcile the past no matter what you do.

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