My older sister recently back together with her shitty ex husband and they have a toddler together. Since then she’s mentioned wanting to hang out, that she misses me and wants “to get together soon,” yet she hasn’t reached out much to me for months and when I do message her, she leaves me on delivered for sometimes days. And she’s addicted to her phone, she’s on it constantly texting her friends whenever we hang out. Knowing this, it honestly just makes me think she doesn’t really want to talk to me. I feel irrelevant and forgotten about mostly, so I’m less inclined to want to message or hang out.

My birthday is coming up this week and she hasn’t messaged me about it yet. She usually does. For once I told her (albeit unprompted, but every year she asks me and I never ask for anything so I figured why not) what I wanted for my bday and she just said “Ok.” I felt like I was imposing on her/bothering her. We have no plans for it yet and she hasn’t tried to many any with me yet.

Even my Mom seems too busy for me these days. For years she’s been widowed and lonely. Before she got her new puppy last month and added a couple more people to her life, she used to text me often and ask to do stuff all the time. Now she “has plans.” She was pretty much the person I hung out with since I was a kid. I was bullied in school and avoided making friends my whole life. I just hung out with my Mom and sister.

That’s it, that’s my family. My Dad died in ‘18. I have no other friends and I guess the upside to this is that I’m being forced into a position to make my own friends instead of falling back on family. But the hurdle to making them seems insurmountable especially when I already feel worthless and rejected by my own family. Both my sister and Mom have complained about how quiet I am compared to them and have even tried to diagnose me as autistic/figure out what’s wrong with me since I was a teenager.

I’ve been trying to talk to people a little more lately. But there’s a sense of “disconnect” and inadequacy that stays with me. I feel like I’m just not worth anyone’s time and like a bore. I just don’t have a solid foundation to work off when it comes to self esteem.

I’m super lonely and feel like I’m living on my own planet. Just me and my dog, my empty apartment and my depression while everyone else is living their lives.

Another upside is that I have health insurance that’ll activate tomorrow. I guess I will consider an antidepressant again.

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TheWolfLoki t1_jecydx7 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 2:35 AM

Sorry to hear your closest family is not able to meet your social needs, and especially sorry to hear your father passed away in 2018, my dad who I was very close with died in 2020, when I was already feeling very isolated from COVID restrictions it was difficult to be alone while grieving.

Don't worry about people being busy or not reaching out to you in the same way they have before, EVERYONE has their own entire life going on, with all the mental hurdles you are experiencing yourself.

Focus on what you can do to find the social interaction you seem to be wanting.

Maybe that's pickup games of frisbee, tennis, or other low barrier of entry sports (spoiler, the ones that have huge free communities are because of the low barrier to entry)

Maybe it's taking your dog to dog parks and getting to know other dog owners.

Maybe it's joining a gym.

Maybe it's finding work that puts you in a team of people.

Whatever it is, it's going to be about YOU taking action to get your social needs met, not waiting on others to meet your needs (maybe they can't, maybe they don't want to, but either way, waiting on them is just stringing yourself along)

quazatron48k t1_jed2xy6 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 3:14 AM

Your best bet is to pick a hobby you’re interested in that forces you to interact with people. Some examples are taking a 6 month language course for a country you’d like to visit, or joining a martial arts club, or painting, or yoga - anything to get you out of the house regularly. If it involves nature you get bonus points (hiking , walking, surfing), because it does your mental state a world of good. Any of those clubs are likely to lead to after-club drinks or coffee or lunch where you can make new friends. Exercise is great for the mind too - you’ll feel much better if you’re getting fitter. Any of this will gradually lift your spirits snd improve your confidence, and you’ll not need to rely on your family as much - it sounds like it’s time to begin a new chapter. Since you’ve got a dog, see if there’s any group doggo walks that end in at a pub or cafe.

delawaredave t1_jee029w wrote on March 31, 2023 at 9:58 AM

Relationships generally have a "half life" moving towards decay, including family.

People generally have to deliberately locate, cultivate, grow, and maintain relationships - unless you are a movie star, I am not.

I love dogs, but don't let them be a surrogate for human relationships.

Clubs are excellent way to do something you enjoy with people that enjoy it also - but, again, these take deliberate work.

Good luck - you can do it !

Legal_Beginning471 t1_jeelk1t wrote on March 31, 2023 at 1:30 PM

Sounds like you have a very dependent personality type, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not working out for you. To become more independent, you must define who you are. A person is defined by their convictions, and by how they live. Build your self esteem through introspection, defining your convictions (what you’re most passionate about), and then acting on your convictions. This brings self fulfillment and boosts self esteem.

thequeasydream OP t1_jefriia wrote on March 31, 2023 at 6:09 PM

I don’t have a dependent personality type, I am a very independent person. I keep to myself entirely, do everything myself, I’m 100% financially independent and I don’t ask anything from anyone and don’t even share how I feel with people. I don’t think I could be more independent if I tried.

ShotCommunity1834 t1_jeeykmp wrote on March 31, 2023 at 3:01 PM

I am sorry that you feel this way but what everyone said above is correct. I have a dependent personality myself but it is our responsibility to create a life for ourselves. You sound like a nice person and you will make friends. Join groups but also try to step out of your comfort zone and initiate conversations. You will be surprised at the way people will respond to you. It will build confidence as well. You deserve a happy life so go get it girl!! 💕

Colossus-the-Keen t1_jegjzfl wrote on March 31, 2023 at 9:19 PM

Start with one productive thing each day that improves your life. People will come and go, but when you have a healthy mind, you will more likely attract healthy people.You are worthwhile. You are someone that people will want to hang out with. You just have to be patient and wait for a true connection with someone. You will know when you truly get along. New job, new people. New living place, new neighbors. New hobbies, new interactions with likeminded people. I really hope this helps even a little bit.