[deleted] t1_j8x0edm wrote on February 17, 2023 at 3:39 PM

"I'm all or nothing. I know it comes from childhood trauma, and it's so ingrained in my brain that no external demand means now I rest, and conserve my energy until there is another threat/demand to react to."

Omg.

Also for me I think it's, if there's an opportunity to 'be the best', 'impress the teacher' or whatever, then I'm productive. If I have the opportunity to build a business and buy a house, for example, I don't have motivation. If some shitty boss is saying 'do this shitty task', I do.

Is it about being watched? As well as threatened.

ElegantCherries OP t1_j8x2ork wrote on February 17, 2023 at 3:54 PM

I relate to the 'impress the teacher/boss' thing too, and re: your last question, what immediately came into my head was "it's not about being watched, it's about being seen".

We all need to be seen and validated, to know our efforts are on the right track, and ideally we are gently corrected if not, then praised when we get it right.

If we don't get this as children, some of us learn that we can get something like it from pleasing other people. So our brains think that when we do for others, our efforts will be seen and validated. Whereas when we do for ourselves, no-one sees and no-one cares, or they even actively discourage us - so what's the point?

I think this isn't the whole of it by any means, but it could be one small yet important element.

[deleted] t1_j8x5mc6 wrote on February 17, 2023 at 4:13 PM

God, I can relate to this. Where you said about our efforts being on the right track, getting gently corrected if needed and then praised when we get it right. That is literally it! I'm scared of doing something wrong and getting out of my depth.

And also, the thing about getting guaranteed validation if it's someone else's task we're doing / some boss we're helping. Exactly. Cos there's very little to gain from our own tasks in the short term, the time in which we need to start building the business, for example. Plus no-one to correct us and the whole risk thing. So "what's the point", precisely. Or just it ends up being permanent procrastination because there's no 'first steps to whatever it is' teacher. Or there are... Youtubers who I think 'I could just message them if I get out of my depth'. But I'm still too concerned.

It's like I need a 9-5 experienced teacher, or ahead-of-me peer / colleague to be there while I do everything.

And I think this to myself, and look for accountability buddies but that's not enough... It's like I need a comforting person in the actual room!

Or the thing we were talking about at the start, which is some scary faculty of teachers who will be viciously disappointed if we do not get an A. I'd rather have the comforting teacher, but I have neither (given that I'm in my 30s!).