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timthedriller t1_ja58zsz wrote

Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might just burn your ass tomorrow

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d3brecuQUYup t1_ja3cb8y wrote

How is a tiger the opposite of a comma?

​

Answer: A tiger has claws at the end of its paws while a comma's a pause at the end of a clause.

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Numotus t1_ja5u7h3 wrote

The comma would go after the word "paws" while the tiger would go after you with its jaws

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OsoChistoso t1_ja6ahqs wrote

What’s the difference between Jussie Smollet and Simba?

Ones an African lion, and the others a lyin African.

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WordWarrior81 t1_ja7tmvw wrote

That pun is at least as old as the 1989 PC game, Quest for Glory.

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[deleted] t1_ja3bj09 wrote

[removed]

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Thick_Pipe187 t1_ja3heqa wrote

Life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're going to get! It's a fun surprise, but it can also be a bit of a gamble. You may get something you love, or something you don't like as much. But it's still a tasty treat, no matter what!

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xBris18 t1_ja507xe wrote

>But it's still a tasty treat, no matter what!

Ah, yes, infants dying from cancer. How tasty. /s

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FOILBLADE t1_ja3jakb wrote

...I literally just watched that episode

Fuckin creepy bro

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Sandpaper_Pants t1_ja415ld wrote

Dude...Costco chocolates are the fucking best. If you buy shit Russell Stover or some of that other drugstore garbage, you're wasting your money and being misinformed about what chocolates should actually taste like.

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VerminReaper t1_ja4qgku wrote

Life is like a box of chocolates - stay outta mine!

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Jenkins64 t1_ja6cxga wrote

I'm offensive and I find this morbidly obese

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mem269 t1_ja3ztix wrote

It will kill your dog.

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testaman t1_ja4si6z wrote

How is a box of chocolates like a Thai girl..you never know which one has the nuts

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baddada1 t1_ja4r3an wrote

I always seem to find the toothpaste flavored ones.

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steveske85 t1_ja6b1zi wrote

As a fat person, this makes me hungry for chocolates.

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p17s82 t1_ja3y9do wrote

The ones filled with liquor might seem nice, but they aren’t tasty and not worth it

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Kwry t1_ja5ir3r wrote

They are very tasty and very worth it. Yummmm!

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Firework_Wolfo1752 t1_ja4tnry wrote

As a fat person seeing this joke, take my upvote and piss off

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ChannelUnusual5146 t1_ja50tpz wrote

A question that I have never asked before: "If being 'pissed off' indicates that you are displeased, would you be extremely joyful to be 'pissed on'?"

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DanG2DaMan t1_ja40dmu wrote

To quote Forrest Dahmer: "People are like a box of chocolates; eat 'em up. Yum!"

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nedlyest t1_ja3pv7k wrote

Life is like a box of chocolates, someone ate all the good ones and replaced them with cat turds.

I say this all the time in the Forrest voice.

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MacaronOver4543 t1_ja5a14h wrote

Bro it's life was like a box if chocolates

2

JoshB685 t1_ja5lz7q wrote

But Life is like, a box of cereal! 🥣

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Quick-Setting1937 t1_ja6emp9 wrote

Mandela Affect

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ketsueki82 t1_ja7r1gy wrote

Effect not Affect, I got this mixed up all the time myself, affect is the change and effect is the result of a change.

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Troldemorv t1_ja5hftt wrote

You picked sex, booze, job, wedding, mortgage, kids, tax, divorce, inflation, unemployment, war, depression, homelessness and funeral but you still think the next one might be as good as the first 2 you tried.

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SnarfbObo t1_ja5w8mt wrote

a cheap perfunctory gift rife with barely edible excuses and the good bits are fleeting at best. What you're left with is a bunch of rubbish in a box to be carelessly discarded.

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marykatieonline t1_ja5xqxd wrote

Smooth CSM reference! You actually made my day, thank you!

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SnarfbObo t1_ja6p54k wrote

It's a bit off, I can't believe someone got it, that made my day too :-) Bless you for telling me

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marykatieonline t1_ja75wwy wrote

Unfortunately it was 9PM when I read it, so not much left in the day…. Your reply makes it stretch into the week, Have a good week!

2

SnarfbObo t1_ja7whlh wrote

Life is like a box of chocolates, a cheap thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for, unreturnable because all you ever get back for it is another box of chocolates, so you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down until there's nothing else left to eat. Sure once in awhile there's a peanut butter cup, english toffee but they're gone too fast and the tastes fleeting. You end with broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those all you've got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrapping.

You deserve it proper like

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marykatieonline t1_ja82bxs wrote

If I could put gifs in here, I’d put the scene from Step Brothers where they finally compare notes on what they like and Will Ferrell (I think) says “Did we just become best friends?!”

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master-virus t1_ja77i8y wrote

Life is like going to the toilet, sometimes it easy, sometimes its painful, sometimes it stinks.

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227CAVOK t1_ja3weyo wrote

... it kills your dog!

1

MokhtiarAli t1_ja4tbec wrote

Any Forrest Hump fan here

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smkestcklghtn t1_ja4xq6c wrote

You would never buy one for yourself

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Responsible-Pass7902 t1_ja4y61k wrote

Life like a box of chocolates. Their many kinds and flavors but the more weird shit you put in the more you have to lie and convince yourself it's not going to leave a bad taste in your mouth

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Cowboy_Reaper t1_ja5n38x wrote

Life is like a bowl of jalapeños.

What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow.

1

XxcillianxX t1_ja5yfev wrote

Life is a box of chocolates. Everyone just opens you and takes what u have. Then when you're empty and useless they just throw you away like you're nothing.

1

Casper-lucilfer t1_ja6qzzn wrote

Don't touch it too much or you will ruin it

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barkeep9 t1_ja6ro9j wrote

I’m triggered, lol

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Switzerland2008 t1_ja7ahxv wrote

Life is like a box of chocolates

You might never know which is the best delicious chocolate and which is the lethally poisonous chocolate.

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astropiea211 t1_ja818c9 wrote

Life's like a bottle of water Just one drop isn't enough

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Boredpanda6335 t1_ja8u1p1 wrote

As a fat person. This made me laugh—

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LoyeDamnCrowe t1_ja6otbj wrote

Life is like a box of rocks.

You never know no which one to smoke first

0

Tomi8338 t1_ja3szuj wrote

"you eat the wrong one and you die from diarrhea" is also accepted answer

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bsuthy t1_ja3a3uc wrote

No one likes the dark ones

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