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WickerBag t1_iu96wiv wrote

Reply to comment by mercurysnowman in LPT Request: how to deal with an emotionally draining friend I have to see on a daily basis by mercurysnowman

Here is what I did to someone like that. No guarantee that it will work for you.

When they start whining about their life, nod understandingly and ask "so what are you going to do about it?"

When they complain that they just need someone to vent to, frown disapprovingly and insist that they need to solve this problem. "Did you try this?" "Why did you do this?" "You should do this."

In short, stop being someone comfortable to talk to.

Now, i give this advice because you said that cutting them off was not on the table. Because today, I would just tell them to leave me tf alone with their whining and go about my own business. But I'm a cranky grown-ass woman now.

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mercurysnowman OP t1_iu97yy3 wrote

this is an excellent strategy! and once I'm out of uni and have my own place and job I'm also going to become that cranky grown-ass woman. thank you.

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mosquito_motel t1_iu9gn9r wrote

This is a universal struggle. Sometimes it can help to point out that "venting" is more like "whining without solutions" and no one wants to be whined to, so keep directing them into "problem-solving". Stay strong!

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[deleted] t1_iu9uwld wrote

Alfred Adler used to say that to his patients, when someone is saying poor me, or they’re bad he’d just ask: what are you going to do about it? It’s the perfect way to answer because it snaps them out of it.

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Hole-In-Six t1_iuboo82 wrote

That sounds like a real bad therapist. Imagine telling your cardiologist that your heart feels week and he says “sucks to be you“.

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rampartsblueglare t1_iubpzip wrote

Was in this situation last year and one day I asked the lady where our 3rd coworker was, always late 5 minutes before start. She told me that lady had kids and had to get them to school. And I said hmm thats convenient me too. So I began coming 5 minutes late like lady #3 and the complainer had to go talk to someone else in the building and not me. Stopped working for free and stopped listening to mayhem. I'd avoid energy vampires if at all possible

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BAT123456789 t1_iub1zh7 wrote

The strategy I find works well, primarily with men, is to reply, "Aw, does your pussy hurt? Does it?" Either they laugh or they shut up. Either way, they don't burden you again.

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surlygrrl42 t1_iua44pa wrote

This. My sister is an energy vampire and she gets all flummoxed and frustrated when you ask how she’s gonna address a problem directly (usually one that can be solved easily but she just likes to piss and moan about it.) Otherwise, she’ll go on ad nauseum about how she’s a victim. She’s not really looking to solve her problems; she’s looking for validation that the world is full of meanies and that she’s always being targeted by them.

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TruckTires t1_iu9g7ra wrote

Ooo I like this part: "stop being someone comfortable to talk to".

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bigredplastictuba t1_iu9mmsz wrote

Omgv though have you seen all the shares and memes going around that are like, shaming that approach? I constantly find myself in ops position, luckily pandemic allowed me to wean all these emotionally needy people out of my life, but they were constantly posting these cutesy things like "hi! Sometimes people just need to vent! DO NOT offer advice! It's not about you lol! Just shut up and listen - hair toss-" and I'm reading them sitting in my room shaking looking at my unread messenger notifications dreading people going "hi! So you have time to talk? Ok so bla bla AHEM PLEASE I DON'T NEED ADVICE I NEED A GOOD FRIEND TO LISTEN" sorry Jesus that shit was like TRAUMATIZING to me. I now deliberately only have like 1.5 friends. I wanted to tell them "hey if you just need someone to listen why don't you whisper your problems into a bottle and throw it into the ocean or something, this feels emotionally abusive to me"

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WickerBag t1_iu9svbj wrote

I agree and disagree. I think the main point is, is the person who needs to vent your friend or not?

My friends can vent, whine and use me as an unpaid therapist any day. They have earned that right. But I have a well-curated, very short list of friends who can rely on me as much as I can rely on them. They care about me. They listen to my problems. We support each other.

With acquainces or friends-of-friends, it depends on how much I like them, but I will usually indulge them, say, the first one or two times. But after that I establish boundaries.

With a person like OP described, though, I would be very short. I have no patience for emotional leeches.

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AKAstumblelina t1_iua54tt wrote

>why don’t you whisper your problems into a bottle and throw it into the ocean or something

howling!!! thank you, I needed that laugh!

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bigredplastictuba t1_iuags1l wrote

Honestly I'm surrounded by the "witchy" community here so I've found ways to frame healthy personal advice as "spells" like this and getting my old roommates to actually clean up after themselves and stuff. "Oh you are trying to get a new job? You should like... sweep away all your bad luck... by sweeping the floors, and then get some really hot water and put some uh... mint and basil... and orange... and... some soap in it... and magically wash the floors with it while you visualize your goals" or "i find being late on rent generates really powerful negative energy that luckily is really easy to dissipate!"

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CloudedEyeCat t1_iuandou wrote

I also want to thank you for this advice. I once found that a friend wanted to vent, and I wanted solutions, so I corrected myself and later asked if they want solutions or vent. But I didn’t realize I could proactively use a solution-minded approach to get them to stop whining to me.

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WickerBag t1_iub5nfm wrote

I'm glad you find this advice helpful. :)

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Zesilo t1_iuc1lqa wrote

Yeah, your advise is really great for not cutting someone off, but I agree it is way easier to cut ties.

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