Many of us have felt the awkward moment when someone you are casual friends or acquaintances with loses someone they were close to - what to say? It feels underwhelming sometimes to drop another "sorry for your loss" into the pot - though there is nothing wrong with that and I assure you, your sympathy is still felt and appreciated.

But if you're tempted to not say anything due to wishing you had something "better" to say, then use either your personal knowledge (recollection of any stories or mentions by your friend about the deceased) or read the obituary once posted.

It lets the acquaintance know you really took a moment out to consider their pain and learn/remember the person that has shuffled off this mortal coil.

Examples: Wow Friend, it sounds like your whole town will feel this loss with all they've done for local charities and fixing up cars for people in need. I know woodworking isn't a common habit, it sounds like they were very talented!

Oh man, Friend I'm so sorry. I remember well the story you told me about your fishing trip together and how they made you laugh so hard you dropped your pole in the water. It's such a blessing to have made so many great memories together, I know that one day those stories will give you something to grin about again instead of feeling the sting of loss. My best to you, your family and everyone missing them right now.

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keepthetips t1_isvxra2 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:16 AM

#138,942

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

yaniv901 t1_isvz2sg wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:26 AM

#139,017

Oh title confusing

wildadragon t1_isvzdcd wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:29 AM

#139,028

I'm sorry X was survived by their SO, kids, and grandkids

I'm sorry X's service will be held at John's Mortuary at 6PM on Y date.

Maybe learn a bit more that the template posted in the obituary.

dbsgirl OP t1_isvzqd7 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:32 AM

#139,046

Replying to wildadragon (#139,028)

Hmm, that was largely why I included examples which were clearly not a templated list of survivors. And included the option of your own recollection of a story that you remembered. But by all means, be hateful that should work too.

phwe9774 t1_isvzyhx wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:33 AM

#139,064

That would probably come across as extremely insincere or insensitive. If you have to read the obituary just to have something to say and you don't want to add to the "sorry for you loss" pile, just don't say anything

[deleted] t1_isw08hi wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:36 AM

#139,086

Replying to yaniv901 (#139,017)

[removed]

sonofblackbird t1_isw0bz8 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:36 AM

#139,091

There’s also this. Combined with OPs tip, it should help in writing a unique and sincere message.

https://www.ftd.com/blog/share/what-to-write-in-a-condolence-card

wildadragon t1_isw0grh wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:37 AM

#139,100

Replying to dbsgirl (#139,046)

If you had a story of your own recollection then you shouldn't need to read the obituary because your own personal story and feelings would mean more, but by all means be obtuse and clueless that should work too.

[deleted] t1_isw0zk6 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:41 AM

#139,125

Replying to phwe9774 (#139,064)

[removed]

dbsgirl OP t1_isw1iyd wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:46 AM

#139,155

Replying to wildadragon (#139,100)

Did you skip every other paragraph? I wrote in the post that if you have that knowledge then to use it and offered another option as well.

Being obtuse and clueless would be the option of not expressing any kind of empathy or condolences to someone you care about when they are experiencing grief - because you couldn't be bothered to take the 45 seconds it takes to read the obituary.

exploristofficial t1_isw1zou wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:49 AM

#139,177

Replying to yaniv901 (#139,017)

Lol, right? How do you casually lose someone?

[deleted] t1_isw21pk wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:50 AM

#139,182

Replying to sonofblackbird (#139,091)

[removed]

303elliott t1_isw2im4 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:54 AM

#139,205

Replying to wildadragon (#139,100)

Did you die and no one had anything good to say about you? I can't figure out why else you would act like such a toxic edge lord

303elliott t1_isw2mcz wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:54 AM

#139,211

Good tip. I've been to enough funerals to know people want to speak up, but often don't know what to say

DetN8 t1_isw2yn4 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 2:57 AM

#139,228

"I'm so sorry about your dad. It must have been rough for him to get dismembered like that."

wildadragon t1_isw3gwb wrote on October 19, 2022 at 3:01 AM

#139,255

Replying to 303elliott (#139,205)

Did you not read the title? When someone you know casually loses someone. So your coworker who you know loses their aunt/uncle who you never knew what might you say about them?

Thanks for showing me how much of an ignorant edge lord you are.

303elliott t1_isw4hwe wrote on October 19, 2022 at 3:10 AM

#139,320

Replying to wildadragon (#139,255)

You're so incessant on inconsequential semantics you can't pull your head out of your ass to see the whole picture. I'm done talking to you.

wildadragon t1_isw4qhn wrote on October 19, 2022 at 3:12 AM

#139,337

Replying to 303elliott (#139,320)

Always funny how when people are clearly wrong they complain others are using semantics when semantics are literally the meanings of the words used.

BXFXMIKE t1_isw54j6 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 3:15 AM

#139,358

Totally disagree! If you knew the person casually and never met the person who passed????

You would only ever start sourcing obituaries in your conciliatory comments for your own self importance.

Speak from the heart and move on. This is not the time to talk for the sake of talking.

whosmellslikewetfeet t1_isw8a39 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 3:42 AM

#139,514

Replying to exploristofficial (#139,177)

I feel like a well placed comma would fix that

tookuayl t1_isw8oca wrote on October 19, 2022 at 3:46 AM

#139,526

Replying to BXFXMIKE (#139,358)

Exactly! This is all about the person trying to make it about themselves. Ask something like, “is there a favorite memory that you have of them that you would like to share?” Perusing the obits for details on someone you know nothing about is just plain creepy.

dbsgirl OP t1_isw9yts wrote on October 19, 2022 at 3:58 AM

#139,596

Replying to 303elliott (#139,211)

Thank you, I hope for your sake you aren't friendly in any manner with the other folks who commented, they feel that you and your grief can fuck on off.

To me it's not just the words, grieving people appreciate someone taking the time to understand who the person was.

dbsgirl OP t1_iswa2p2 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 3:59 AM

#139,604

Replying to whosmellslikewetfeet (#139,514)

Sadly I cannot edit the title, it's ok though. Folks understood enough to get angry about it lol.

303elliott t1_iswauut wrote on October 19, 2022 at 4:07 AM

#139,658

Replying to dbsgirl (#139,596)

A lot of arm chair psychologists who clearly haven't experienced loss are in your comments. Sorry that your well intended and well spoken tip fell on narcissists.

As Rick Sanchez said, "Your boos mean nothing, I've seen what makes you cheer."

[deleted] t1_iswb6sq wrote on October 19, 2022 at 4:10 AM

#139,681

Replying to BXFXMIKE (#139,358)

[removed]

yaniv901 t1_iswevn3 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 4:47 AM

#139,824

Replying to dbsgirl (#139,604)

I don’t get angry. Well maybe sometimes. Like what the heck is dark chocolate and why isn’t it sweet? That’s no chocolate, that’s a poser.

dbsgirl OP t1_iswf1z6 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 4:48 AM

#139,831

Replying to 303elliott (#139,658)

I'm so sad for them, imagine never caring about anyone enough to notice their grief or try to understand it or learn about what they will be missing. Can't wait to hug my extended family asap and make sure they know how much I love them too

Sir-Jawn t1_isxaof8 wrote on October 19, 2022 at 11:43 AM

#141,235

Replying to phwe9774 (#139,064)

That’s what I was thinking. A friend of mine lost a parent (who I never met) and i just said a simple “I’m so sorry, I hope you’re hanging in there. A lot of people are thinking about you and here for you if you need anything.” Can’t imagine throwing in something like “I see they liked woodworking, they must have been talented”, having never met them before and never talking about woodworking with this friend before.

russellvt t1_isxq6xx wrote on October 19, 2022 at 1:55 PM

#142,381

The REAL LPT: Don't say shit unless the person either asks, or you're in a tight enough circle to have been invited to the funeral.

dbsgirl OP t1_isy3bsj wrote on October 19, 2022 at 3:26 PM

#143,314

Replying to russellvt (#142,381)

So you agree with me then, since what the post said was to read the obit or write up about the deceased when the acquaintance posts it publicly as many do. For the exact reason of sharing info, asking for support and honoring the person they miss. Nice, glad we got all the way around the circle.

Unhappy_Guarantee_69 t1_it0fohw wrote on October 20, 2022 at 12:55 AM

#148,939

This is terrible advice. Talk about detached from reality.

Just say, I'm sorry, and move on. This isn't about you, or about making some wholesome and specific statement on the deceased. If you have to read the obituary to get material, why do you feel compelled to make some weirdly personal statement in the first place?

dbsgirl OP t1_it0i9zy wrote on October 20, 2022 at 1:14 AM

#149,125

Replying to Unhappy_Guarantee_69 (#148,939)

Because I care about people and their feelings, whoopsies.

I'm sorry.

Unhappy_Guarantee_69 t1_it0jcle wrote on October 20, 2022 at 1:22 AM

#149,193

Replying to dbsgirl (#149,125)

Lol What a hero and a martyr... Smh. Don't be sorry, just be genuine.

This whole post isn't about how to try to make someone who's experienced a death of a loved one feel better and get over their grief. It's about having an alternative phrase for "I'm sorry for your loss" bc that's too "underwhelming" by your own words. Who cares about any of that? That's like stressing out more over your outfit choice more than being there for your friend.

dbsgirl OP t1_it21ahp wrote on October 20, 2022 at 11:24 AM

#151,949

Replying to Unhappy_Guarantee_69 (#149,193)

Lol ok

russellvt t1_itbmntp wrote on October 22, 2022 at 12:10 PM

#177,045

Replying to dbsgirl (#143,314)

>So you agree with me then,

No... What part of don't say shit did you misunderstand?

dbsgirl OP t1_itc4vda wrote on October 22, 2022 at 2:47 PM

#178,440

Replying to russellvt (#177,045)

You forgot this part: "unless the person asks"

The reason people post obituaries or bios on social media is asking for support and wanting to share with others all the wonderful things about the deceased they are going to miss.

Before you say it's for logistical reasons, it isn't. Family and other close friends who will attend services get the service info from texts, calls, emails, etc..

Ironically, one way often suggested to deal with social media posts you don't agree with is also "don't say shit" lol, if you're ok with ignoring that tenet why should I ignore my friends' grief?