Submitted by autotelica t3_z65p21 in LifeProTips
I used to be very self-conscious. I have a tic disorder and dyspraxia--two things that make me move awkwardly. While in therapy, I would frequently talk about how embarrassed I was in yoga class, which I took for four years in a quest to improve my motor coordination skills. Even the most basic standing poses were challenging for me. I would always fall out of them, often completely onto the floor. I would have to stand against the wall to do mountain pose.
I worried what everyone in the room thought of me. Surely they were thinking I was some kind of r-word. Or maybe they thought I was lazy and just not trying hard enough. I would tell my therapist all of this and she would say "No one is judging you as harshly as you're judging yourself, my dear." This was never comforting to me. But I was not assertive enough to tell her why.
But I'll share with you why I couldn't go along with this.
I was bullied as a kid for being clumsy. PE and recess were my least favorite periods of the day because that's when I would become the class laughingstock. I know child bullies can outgrow their bullying ways, but I also know that they don't outgrow all of their tendencies. The kids who grow up calling the clumsy kid the r-word grow up to be adults who think the r-word. So my therapist, however well-intentioned she was, could never convince me that no one was ever judging me harshly. It almost felt like she was trying to gaslight me by telling me that.
So unfortunately I had to help myself get over my self-consciousness in my own way. And the thing that worked for me was to constantly remind myself of the following:
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Many people aren't noticing you at all.
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Most of the people who are noticing you aren't thinking negative things about you. They are just dispassionately observing you falling out of your poses, just like how they might notice a squirrel running up a tree.
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There are indeed people who are noticing you and judging you. But most of those people are having rather mild judgy thoughts. Like maybe they are thinking: "That girl sure is clumsy, isn't she? I wonder what's wrong with her." Sure, this is kind of judgy. But it isn't mean judgy. It's the kind of judginess that we all experience from time to time. I might see someone moving awkwardly while standing in the check-out line and think the exact same thing.
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There is always going to be at least one person who really is judging you harshly and uncharitably. But that person is likely a jerk. Jerks aren't people you should worry about. You don't want to be friends with a jerk. You don't want to work for a jerk. You don't want to have anything to do with jerks. So what's the point of trying to impress them? They aren't worth your energy. Ignore them and their stupid thoughts.
I have found that this approach is more effective than trying to convince myself that no one is judging me. I think by telling socially anxious people that no one is ever judging them, we are only entrenching their belief that there is something important about the judgments of strangers. We should be telling them that the judgments of strangers don't matter, not that they don't exist. And it is way more validating. People who are self-conscious sometimes have very valid reasons for feeling that way.
MaMakossa t1_ixzjffl wrote
Personally- this LPT goes straight to my heart & I will place it on a sticky note in my brain to hopefully remind myself in moments when I need grounding.
Therapy do be like that, huh? It can feel like gaslighting. 😫 Good on you for forging your own mental pathway that resonates with how your brain functions & responds. ✊
Thank you very much for sharing your experience, perspective, & advice. This internet stranger values & appreciates it & finds it helpful. 💛🙏