Why is RI so difficult?

Submitted by [deleted] t3_xxpazj in RhodeIsland

Hi all, I’m not here to rip apart the state or Rhode Islanders, I’m genuinely interested in why it is so hard to meet people and make friends in the state of Rhode Island. (starting and keeping a business will likely be a different post)

I’ve compared the social aspects to family i have in the south, southwest and Midwest, all polar opposite of RI social style. I make friends, which turn into acquaintances, then turn into people “I used to know”, everyone hibernates after labour day and I feel like unless you were born here or are connected through whoever, you’ll have to fight to make a friend. Been here a while now, started coming here in the summer as a baby in the 80s, ended up going to risd, moved away, came back etc..and on the verge of giving up entirely. Am I missing a social cue or something? I’ve never felt so alone in a place where I “know” so many people. **I’ve been hesitant about posting this due to the potential negativity and backlash so please, please don’t be mean.

-kinda sad in south county

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FlashbackBob t1_irdldt9 wrote

I think it’s because of where you are living - South County. It’s a beautiful area with plenty of beaches, but it’s largely suburban and rural which makes it harder to meet people. Folks there already have homes and they are content to stay home and tend to their properties and go out to dinner with friends once in a while. Places like Providence and Newport are much easier to make friends. You can try looking up events and things to do in those areas and see what you can find.

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Sydthebarrett t1_irdpjot wrote

South county represent! I love it here and I’ve found that my friends and groups I’ve made here are fairly solid. I’ve found lots of different friend groups depending on the job/activity/lifestyles you do. What would that be?

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[deleted] OP t1_irdvdfw wrote

Since the beginning: server/bartending/sailing/retail/film/graphic design/ Instacart/ art/ warehouse management/ clay club/ yacht club/ beach club/ winter coat drive/ search and rescue… I’m certainly trying

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Dopey-NipNips t1_irdwkug wrote

You've done all that but still can't make friends?

Maybe RI isn't the problem

Edit woooow op reported me to the reddit suicide hotline. Classy. No wonder you don't have any friends, /u/indianawasthdogsname

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[deleted] OP t1_irdy70h wrote

.

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[deleted] OP t1_ire7etk wrote

[deleted]

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goldenhandz007 t1_irf1ck7 wrote

How was Florida? Considering moving there

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[deleted] OP t1_irf7tpk wrote

[deleted]

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goldenhandz007 t1_irf9peh wrote

The cost of living is that much higher compared to RI? I’ve been there in the late summer and it didn’t seem that bad to me personally. I enjoy when it’s hot in RI

Hm yeah if I move there I wanna have kids there and I don’t want their education to be poor.

I most definitely have experienced poor customer service in Florida. It’s probably the biggest complaint among people I know from there.

Thanks for the info

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[deleted] OP t1_irfij1m wrote

[deleted]

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goldenhandz007 t1_irfrrjf wrote

Yeah I heard it’s a no fault state so if you get in a accident your rate still goes up

Damn 230 is a lot. I pay like 60 now lol

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mkmck t1_ireeeud wrote

You obviously have more issues than not being able to make friends. Reporting Dopey to the fucking suicide hotline is a bitch move, clearly demonstrating to all why no one wants to be your friend. Do yourself (and us) a favor and go back to Indiana

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degggendorf t1_ireabwx wrote

> Contributing to the state suicide rate

Uhm, what?

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Proof-Variation7005 t1_iresfrp wrote

>Contributing to the state suicide rate

This isn't even meant to be an insult or a slight at all, but please try therapy. It's helpful. It'll let you vent and learn some shit about yourself. It will help.

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tiredofthisalready t1_irdzxuh wrote

I'm not sure how old you are, but making friends after your 20s can be exponentially more difficult regardless of where you live. People get married, have kids, have careers, etc.

Have you tried meetup.com? That's where you'll find people interested in making friends.

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noungning t1_irdetjj wrote

Speaking from someone who was born here, grew up here, and still live here. Making friends was easier in school (K-12). The ones from college never stuck around. Then after that age, it's work friends. But they are more like acquaintances, however I've seen some develop to be good friends but I personally haven't.

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rudedudelivingcrude t1_irdyhne wrote

I can relate here. Born and raised, my friends from high-school who I was tight with all found other circles. My work friends are my work friends and that is all. Even they are local yocals and have their own groups. It's tough OP, I feel for you

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geffe71 t1_irdx9ti wrote

It’s not a RI thing, it’s a Northeast thing

We are a hardy bunch up here and keep to ourselves

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CommentAway2893 t1_ire0sak wrote

We're kind, but not nice. Somewhere else they'll watch you fix a flat and say what a bummer it is for you. That's nice, but not kind. We'll stop to fix the flat for you, but call you an idiot.

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[deleted] OP t1_ire0v9a wrote

Lol tru

Think Im meant for somewhere else. I should probably delete this discussion/thread before 9am or I might have a really bad day 🙃

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[deleted] OP t1_irdywhg wrote

Ya, should’ve included all New England, my bad!

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Bigoltater99 t1_ireaxf3 wrote

Go spend a weekend in Vermont, people are completely different

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deadl0ckx2 t1_irdbtgi wrote

As a whole the state might not be as receptive to friendships as other places. Maybe it’s got to do with the population density - it’s the only statistic where we especially stand out. Just means you’ve got to work harder to make friends. Going to a bar or a show in the hopes of making friends isn’t a great strategy. Do something more involved and consistent, like an adult sports league, club, church, volunteer fire department, the list goes on and on. Joining an organization is an objectively better way to make friends because you’ll see people repeatedly. If you’ve already done something like that, then I’m out of ideas lol.

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[deleted] OP t1_irdcfd9 wrote

Thanks, those are great suggestions. Maybe relearning how to surf would be good

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Distinct-Ad5751 t1_ireb9f8 wrote

Try surfing. You’ll meet lots of people. Join a running group, there’s one in Westerly that meets weekly downtown.

I’m in Westerly, I made friends by just … putting myself out there. Keep at it and you’ll find some people you connect with.

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Beezlegrunk t1_irdg8x1 wrote

>Maybe it’s got to do with the population density - it’s the only statistic where we especially stand out.

… and gets used as the reflex answer to every comment — does no one do any independent thinking here?

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crimepais t1_irdlq06 wrote

We moved to Barrington (har har) for a job as we previously lived in Chicago as well as a number of foreign countries as part of my job. My sense is that RI values how long you have "been here" above all else so my family found it quite difficult to integrate. In the end we found a nice Chicago ex-pat community as well as some Brits that were open to us.

I just chalk it up to people that never left. My neighbor still did daily runs with his high school friends which blows my mind.

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MagneticNoodles t1_ire6z7x wrote

RI needs a Portillo's

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takenoprisoners513 t1_irfgbfo wrote

Grew up in the burbs outside of Chicago...I would kill for a Chicago style hot dog and cheese fries from Portillos right now.

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[deleted] OP t1_irdo4z0 wrote

Thank you, Chicago ex pats and a few brits, nail on the head! That’s kind of how I felt when I lived in Newport a few years ago, at least I felt it was on the up, I grew up overseas and met some people in npt who seemed to want to hang out. Once I started crossing the bridges to help with family stuff, it’s like I left the country! 🫤

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degggendorf t1_irebb5t wrote

I am more or less a New England native and feel right at home here. People keep to themselves by default, which I think of as being polite. Like, okay we're at the grocery store. We're clearly here for a reason. I'm not going to strike up a conversation with a stranger because they surely have other places to be.

But at the same time, when someone does express a need I'll (and in my experience, we'll) bend over backwards to help. Oh shit, your deck is falling apart? Here are my truck keys, go but the lumber you need and I'll meet you back at your house with all the tools we need to get it fixed.

That said, I am not sure how that squares with your experience of meeting people and becoming friends only temporarily.

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Proof-Variation7005 t1_iresmpv wrote

>Like, okay we're at the grocery store. We're clearly here for a reason. I'm not going to strike up a conversation with a stranger because they surely have other places to be.

I think if anyone talked to me at a grocery store beyond "excuse me", I'd just abandon my cart and leave.

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RI-Transplant t1_irkl9ax wrote

I always talk to random strangers at the grocery store but I’m from the Midwest. We had an extra keg left from a party and put up a “Free Beer” sign on the highway, met all sorts of people. But there’s so many apartments here it doesn’t feel like a neighborhood.

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[deleted] OP t1_irfofbo wrote

I think your experience as a native new englander sounds pretty common, I wasn’t born and raised here so it feels difficult to make friends with those who are

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degggendorf t1_irfpffw wrote

That's a good point, I bet that's it. I am definitely guilty of thinking people are odd for no good or no particular reason. I wonder if that subtle cultural difference is what gives that this person isn't one of my people feelings.

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[deleted] OP t1_irfswfl wrote

I think you’re right. I’ve actually discovered that not telling people where I grew up (a Schengen country in Europe) helps immensely in continuing the conversation

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Burn_ThemAll t1_iretzad wrote

I hear you. I've been in RI since 2010 and have not made a single, long-standing friend. Plenty of acquaintances, plenty of new people I get really excited about due to hitting it off at first and then the relationship fizzles out. It really seems like people stick to the friends they made during childhood and I didn't move here until my 20's.

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[deleted] OP t1_irewj8y wrote

You hit the nail on the head, you are quite literally explaining the exact same situation as my own. It’s so perplexing

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Burn_ThemAll t1_irjthmh wrote

I think native RI’ers just have an inclination to stick with what they know.

They don’t like to drive far, many of them have never traveled much (my mother-in-law had never even left the state until middle age, when my spouse and I took her on a trip), they just kind of keep to their own bubbles both geographically and socially.

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Wide_Television_7074 t1_irde40h wrote

pick up a job in the service industry, you can meet so many folks in RI that way

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UncleJimmee t1_ire3xh4 wrote

I used to work in restaurants in south county and this is good advice.

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Powerful-Platypus-65 t1_ireuqmc wrote

Moved here almost 7 years ago and I feel ya. I have made a couple of friends but it’s not like other places where there are BBQ’s every weekend or other events where people are always welcome. I can go weeks or even months without seeing some of my friends because they have many due to growing up here and Sometimes I feel like an afterthought. It’s worse too cause I work in Boston a couple days a week so not like I can hang out with work friends. So I know exactly how you feel.

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bluehat9 t1_irei216 wrote

What are your expectations for friendship? This could be a problem of unrealistic expectations.

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[deleted] OP t1_irfnzv0 wrote

I’ve lived in other parts of the US as well as Europe for 12yrs, it was always pretty easy to meet new people and make friends, as a newcomer I’d often get invited to peoples houses for bbqs and other activities because they knew I was new to town and it was always a welcoming gesture, maybe my expectations are high for Rhode Island

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ohmygoyd t1_irezgtb wrote

I'm from the southern US and have lived in a few different regions. It's like this everywhere.

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CommentAway2893 t1_ire1a53 wrote

Volunteer to work the elections. They are always in need and you meet a lot of people. They're generally very social people.

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UsedCollection5830 t1_ire69t0 wrote

New Englanders aren't really friendly people on the whole I've lived down south and in another country 18 years before coming here and making genuine friends in new England is extremely hard I've thought about this a lot I just don't understand it

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FoleyisGood t1_ire7v3y wrote

Non-native here. RI's aren't as nice and friendly as they think they are. Sure there are nice people in the state but the majority I have met are not natives either

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Gribblestix t1_ireat8y wrote

If you’re a music fan, go to some local concerts and chat people up.

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TheBlackestIrelia t1_irekgta wrote

I was born and grew up in RI. Left after college.

Its probably just because the ppl who live there made all their friends during school. I went to a high school with almost 2000 kids for example. Had i stayed around not only would I not need to meet random people, but i'd prefer to get away from some of the ppl i did know from HS cause everyone sucks lol. Also strangely, some of my best friends and even some people i still talk to know over a decade after leaving the state i have NEVER hung out with out side of school. We have shit to do, thats just how it is.

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takenoprisoners513 t1_irffiak wrote

I understand how you feel. Grew up in the Midwest (20 miles outside of Chicago) and have a lot of friends back home. Have also met and stayed friends with many people in other states, but I had the same issue moving to Rhode Island. I've been here for two years and have a handful of friends from work that I've gotten close with, but other than that I've found it difficult to make friends here. People seem more wary of strangers- not generalizing, just stating my experience with what I know of Rhode Island in my two years as a resident. My boyfriend moved here 6 years ago from out west and has had the same experience, which is fine because we are moving to Colorado in a few months near friends and family. In the Midwest neighbors say hello, people at the bar love to chat you up, and it was just generally easier to connect with randoms in social situations.

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omjy18 t1_irg5xjd wrote

One of the issues with growing up is it's harder to make friends. Not impossible but harder. Add that into being the new guy where people going back 4 generations literally never left a few towns? And this being a pretty normal occurrence as well means you don't know people because you aren't somebody's cousin like everyone else around you is.

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Original_Ad_4884 t1_irgzjjd wrote

Just gotta put yourself out there, your doing that now.

Sad really that people feel ashamed for trying to connect with others, whichever way that may be. I felt this way too!

We all need social connection, I'd be happy to find something to do with you.

Hope you see this!

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neveradullmomenteh t1_iritvob wrote

I'm 50 and moved to RI from my.hometown of Dallas, TX at age 20. I could have almost written this post myself (except the awesome RISD part). I am very nice, friendly, outgoing, generous, etc and have had the most difficult time making a real connection driendship here. I have 1000s 9f acquaintances and people I know that like me and we get along great, but not real friends. I have many thoughts on why this is that would bore everyone here and possibly get some of the same responses below, which I don't need.

Just PLEASE KNOW, it's not all you- I promise. I belong to a group of Texans in RI and we have discussed this ad nauseum (cue the inslt comment from a reddit about where I was born). The social issues are real and are a regional thing. It is what it is. Find you another transplant who hasn't gotten totally snarky yet like my sourpatch ass has and forge you a new path!

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l1meade69 t1_irkyfo8 wrote

If you're from a different state, there's probably some kinda resent due to you being from a possible rival state such as Connecticut or Mass. Also you're definitely gonna want to cut off some old stage lingo, since Rhode Islanders just gives it straight up.

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Alejandromano t1_is8tjc2 wrote

Start playing golf at a local course. You'll meet new people every day.

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Bigoltater99 t1_ireagyo wrote

I moved here last year, I’ve lived in VT, NH, NY (not NYC). Sorry to generalize, but people in RI are simply not friendly. All of the friends I’ve made are non-natives. I’m honestly just waiting for my lease to end and move right on out of here. I feel bad for OP with people commenting “maybe it’s a you problem” - I doubt it. I know EXACTLY what OP means.

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[deleted] OP t1_irfq50s wrote

Thanks, I totally agree. The “maybe it’s a you problem” comments make me want to move even more now

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