Submitted by AliciaWrites t3_10rywup in WritingPrompts
sevenseassaurus t1_j75qpj4 wrote
“The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life.”
Those were the words painted in gold cursive on the side of Dedalus Dirkstrom's telescope. He licked his thumb, smoothed a wayward lock of hair, and peered through.
In the distance, below the skyline of a foreign port, a pack of sea dragons circled in the water. Their dark silhouettes churned and coiled, but for as long as Dedalus watched, their backs never broke the surface.
He was seated on the deck of his dirigible, miles from home and alone but for the company of his flying donkey.
"Tinker?" he said. "I have a job for you, but you're not going to like it."
The donkey brayed its disapproval.
The contraption Dedalus cinched to Tinker's back was comprised of a basket, a knot of gears, and an iron bit. When Tinker chomped on the bit, the gears would turn and the basket would open, releasing its contents to whatever waited below. Thus equipped, Dedalus smacked his donkey on the rump and sent him with a load of half-rotten fish to fly over the spot where the sea dragons swirled.
Ready again at the eyepiece of his telescope, Dedalus waited. Tinker dropped the bait, and in a flurry of seafoam and tarnished-brass scales, the dragons burst from the sea.
Fins flashed and serpents snarled, and Tinker escaped their ravenous jaws only by the hairs on the tip of his tail. As he flapped back to the dirigible, braying accusations at his master, Dedalus was filling his sketchbook.
A fin here, a wing there, an arch of precisely this degree. A lever, a hinge, a length of rope, and a whole lot of paint and silver and gold. Oh yes; by the gods and the heavens above, this was his greatest project yet.
When he returned to shore and home, Dedalus Dirkstrom had twenty-two pages of scribbles. With barely a stop to hitch his donkey and dirigible, he ran to the royal court, raised his sketchbook over his head and, out of breath, cried "I've done it."
The king, bemused by the spectacle of his exhausted-yet-overenthusiastic court engineer, stroked his beard in contemplation. "Oh? What have you done?"
"I've designed a new dreadnaught," Dedalus wheezed. "With fins and oars and ironclad sides, and it spits foam and fire from its bow." He shuffled through his papers, holding schematic after ink-smudged schematic before the king's nose. "Every detail is here, from the curve of the fangs to the silver-foil glint on its reinforced scales; a man-made sea dragon, built to command an armada."
The king folded his arms. "Well, it certainly sounds impressive," he mused. "But what of the enemy catapults? The ones on their sea wall, the ones I asked you to reverse engineer?"
With a moment to re-collect his breath and thoughts, Dedalus remembered the foreign port he'd journeyed out to see. "Ah, those," he replied. "I'll get to them tomorrow."
FyeNite t1_j7ln7ln wrote
Hey seven,
Haha, darn whacky engineers. Always ignoring their assignments in favour of designing far too expensive flagships in the shape of sea leviathans.
But anyway, I loved the sheer amount of description and tension you managed to add here in such few words.
> Fins flashed and serpents snarled, and Tinker escaped their ravenous jaws only by the hairs on the tip of his tail. As he flapped back to the dirigible, braying accusations at his master,
The description of the contraption as well as the sea dragons themselves was really good. And I liked the bit of humour with the donkey there at the end.
I just have a few bits and bobs for you,
> A fin here, a wing there, an arch of precisely this degree, a lever, a hinge, a length of rope, and a whole lot of paint and silver and gold.
I think adding a period rather than a comma after "degree" could make the story read a bit better. It's a fairly long sentence. Also, at this point, we don't know what Dedalus has planned. I assumed he was just sketching the shape and look of these animals, not trying to model a ship after them. So adding a period here could do well to highlight the "lever" and "hinge" and such. Things that don't really make sense until you get to the end of the story. But that's just a small thought.
> The king, bemused by the spectacle of an exhausted-yet-overenthusiastic engineer, stroked his beard in contemplation.
One small issue here, this line makes it seem like the king doesn't know who Dedalus is specifically. He knows Dedalus is an engineer, but that's about it. It fit at first, as I initially assumed Dedalus was some random rogue engineer who had just burst into the king's throne room with his passion project. But in the end, we learn that the king actually specifically instructed him earlier. I hope this makes sense.
"...an exhausted-yet-overenthusiastic Dedalus..." could work better, maybe.
> Dedalus remembered the foreign port he'd floated out to see.
This line didn't make much sense to me. Did he float by the port? Or was that the port he went to? Just a bit confused with the wording.
I hope this helps.
Good Words!
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