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katpoker666 t1_j7v7hzh wrote

Wow—such an intense, emotional piece with a lot of beautiful descriptions, Tubman. Eg: >> The doctor handed her over to me wrapped tightly in the pink-and-blue striped hospital blanket, her skin yellowed from jaundice.

It’s also incredible as a true story and feels very real. I hope everything is ok there as it sounds like an intense experience

The one crit I’d have and I struggle to crit this is that it’s more telling / observing than showing in spots. And feels a bit more passive than active. Like here I think you could just rephrase a few things to bring such an incredible story even more to life: >> In the delivery room Gemma had been crying the whole time, but stopped immediately as soon as the doctor gave her to me and I started talking to her. My wife was asleep, exhausted, but everyone in the room witnessed this, the obstetrician, two nurses, my-mother-in law. She remembered my voice. She knew she was safe.

And this was gorgeous: >> We are all written into the Grand Novel with just a few blank pages. Though few, our pages are important. They can’t be penned by Shakespeare or vicariously lived through your favorite streamer. Only you can write them.

Very well done!

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