Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

eigen-dog t1_j8r1obb wrote

Reply to comment by Nightchildd in [OT] Poetry Corner: Fire! by OldBayJ

I like how the mood more or less rises consistently from start to end.

I'd say maybe be more deliberate about- / experiment more with rhythm. For example, the last line of the first verse > Desperately in need for the nice breeze

feels a bit jammed into the rhythm of the previous lines. Same with the second line of second verse. This can be totally ok and even great if done deliberately, to highlight something about what the line is saying, sort of how a long galloping-sounding sentence can emphasise movement.

Also, every line being a new clause gets (semantically) repetitive and limits what you can do with rhythm, try some enjambments.

A useful method I sometimes use is to start a poem conforming to a specific metrical structure (like using only iambs, only n stressed syllables, etc.) then as I start to hear the poem better I let myself break the structure where it feels right. YMMV but this usually helps when I don't have a clear aural picture of what I want to say.

Hope this was useful!

2