Submitted by OldBayJ t3_113bpzd in WritingPrompts
Tomorrow_Is_Today1 t1_jaanaff wrote
Reply to comment by FyeNite in [OT] Poetry Corner: Fire! by OldBayJ
Great pome, Fye! Glad you joined us :D. This has excellent vivid imagery and lovely flow. A few bits of crit:
>The inferno swirls around me like a gargantuan w wall
Repeated "w" there.
>A perfect storm raging outside my mind
Defended by nothing but meagre mud grind
It may be small and it may not be much
But it's all made better with chocolate and such
I love the shift in focus here, but I feel the ending itself is a bit sudden. You spend a whole poem describing this raging inferno, and then jump to "it's all made better with chocolate and such". And that doesn't mean you can't end it that way, but I'd like a bit more along with it or perhaps just a more serious tone than the somewhat dismissive "chocolate and such".
Good words!
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