I stared at my impossibly long task list, the requests numbering into the millions. It was tedious, mind-numbing work I was punished to do for all eternity. Dad, I hate you for this. I just baited a young woman into eating some fruit and now I am stuck here.

"I want to be rich! To be swimming in gold" came request #49383892 on my screen.

"Mammon, drop that sucker a big fucking pile of gold. Make sure it crushes him," I gave the order and chuckled a little as I watch the hapless mortal scream as he disappeared beneath the massive pile of gold dropped over his head.

That's just how I ease the boredom, I fuck these fools up who think they gonna get it good just because daddy up in heaven changed the rules to let humans choose what happens to them, and removed all limitations. I'm like some kind of fucking jerkass genie in a lamp, compelled to grant wishes while having the power to really make them regret those wishes.

"I want to live in the lap of luxury!"

With a waggle of my finger, I turned that bitch into a lap dog forever glued to the lap of a golden statue. Another one of those "get rich and get pampered" requests. Boring shit. I picked up programming recently so I could run my own analysis into these requests, and I fucking swear, 70% of them are all about luxury and pampering.

"I want expensive hearty meals! Eat good food all day!"

Lazy fucker. Couldn't he just call delivery? You only get one shot at choosing what you want in hell and you just want to eat? I much prefer reading the hilariously grandiose wishes, it made it all that much more fun to twist them. Maybe that human was hoping a simple wish would be harder for me to get creative, but I had to try.

May you always be served with expensive, but expired bear hearts, and may your beer always be warm and stale. Bon appetit.