Here's the original prompt, word for word right here for reference: https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/11keke0/wp_humans_are_the_proverbial_sleeping_giant_and/

We might not be the largest or the most well-known company on earth, but our reach extends into every corner of the globe, our impact bleeding into almost part of the world.

We're a headhunting, recruitment, and marketing firm for the gods, and we have been doing this for a thousand years. Yes, you heard it right, we are one of the oldest companies on this earth. Gods come and go, they shine and then fade away. Or so that's what the public thinks. What really happens is we rebrand them when their domain falls out of public favor.

Odin is one of our most famous customers, my great-great-grandma was proud to present to him the job of Santa Claus, and he has been slaying it. Eostre is now the Easter Bunny, Tiamat is now popular among the D&D crowds, and Lucifer has signed yet another contract for a Sandman remake.

As old pantheons fall, so do new pantheons rise. We help new pantheons recruit new gods, and help old gods find new jobs and domains. And we're the best at the line of work.

Now you've heard my pitch, are you going to come into my office to talk or keep pacing around my lobby?

Hey you, the nervous scar-faced, redhead in the lobby, are you coming in for a job?

He doesn't say a word, he just follows me into my office with his eyes fixed on the floor. I invited him to sit across from me and requested my assistant to get us both a cup of coffee. If he is exactly who I think he is, this is going to be a long day.

"Yes, I'm here to find a job."

Finally, we're getting started.

"Loki isn't it? You've delayed making the transition while the rest of the Norse gods have moved on ages ago. Why now?" I asked. "Surely, with your shapeshifting powers and charm, you have plenty of opportunities."

"I...blew them. I tried my hand at acting, Lucifer introduced me to a few producers. I was blacklisted after I made half the cast pregnant and the other half so horny and drunk on mead they couldn't do their jobs. Nobody wants tricksters, either they already have Anansi jumping from pantheon to pantheon, or they just got tired of my usual shtick."

My data analytics feed and report came back; Loki had somehow gotten himself barred from almost every typical job in dozens of countries. He wormed his way into almost every employer's pants, male or female or other genders, and was caught cheating on over a dozen directors. He can't even sweep the floors for one day without dunking the contents of his dustpan onto his superior and getting fired for it. Caught repeatedly lying on his resume after one too many debacles. Nobody would want anything to do with him after he broke teleportation and time-traveling regulations frequently just to give famous people fucking wedgies.

"So what can you offer Loki? That isn't on this banned list of things Loki isn't allowed to do." I printed and thumbed through the thick stack of papers.

"Anything...I would literally do anything for Odin not to mock me for being a freeloader, or get thrown back into that cave and have snake venom dripped on me. Please."

I pause and start flipping through the reports again.

"An actor, or actress. With your shapeshifting powers, you could be anything, including a black man pretending to be a white chick posing as a white man. Or just yourself, your antics are prime hollywood movie material. Also, Pride month needs some representation. You're one of the oldest bisexual queers in the pantheons. You'll need to scrub clean your social media accounts and start anew. No more making fun of Baldr for dying to a mistletoe. Agree to stick by our company's rules of engagement and no more mishaps or monsterfucking, Loki. Managing your children's careers is already a serious handful."

"So...do I get to keep my name or do I get a new one as part of rebranding?"

I quickly opened a random name generator and picked one of the first names that came up.

"You're Tom Hiddleston now."

so Shadowrun, but with eldritch horrors alongside the great dragons.

for easy reference, here's the link to the series: https://www.reddit.com/r/TregonialWrites/comments/11tkt9w/eldritch_god_elvari_series/

Part 8 is that Tinder prompt.

I'm chuffed you caught the reference, even though I didn't link the earlier prompts or used any familiar names from the series. :D

There are a few other references to other prompts I've sneaked in too, hehe.

When those two drug-addled humans agreed to provide a sacrifice in exchange for having their burgeoning debts paid off, I wasn't expecting a small human in a cheap, tattered flower girl dress knocking at my door.

"I'm Jane. Daddy said you bought me, and I'm your bride now."

I am absolutely certain I made myself clear that I no longer accepted human sacrifices. My instincts told me they peddled her over to me in a bid to get rid of her to continue their debauchery. Nonetheless, I had accepted their offering for fear they would approach a less merciful god. I thought I could perhaps try my hand at parenting for the very first time in thousands of years. Some of my followers were parents; surely I could pick up some good advice and tips.

But she was here as a child bride. Did they think of me as some kind of pedophile, that I would marry rather than adopt this small girl?

Take deep breaths. Try to lower myself so I don't excessively tower over her, and hide my tentacles beneath my robes. Checked my face in the mirror to ensure I looked mostly human and comprehensible. I pushed open the doors when I was ready to talk to her.

"Hello Jane, do you want to come in first for some tea and cakes?"

She remained standing outside, twiddling her thumbs and staring at her feet.

"I'm not going to hurt you, and I'm not going to actually marry you or make you my bride. In fact, you can have this credit card and go live your life. But first, you look like you could come in for some tea. If you need anything else, just let me know."

She convinced me to promise never to try to pawn her off again. Apparently, it wasn't the first time her parents tried to sell her, but I was the first blockhead to actually agree and let her live with me. I feel for her, my own father had disowned me too, eons ago. I would take this chance to be a better father than my old man.

My followers were very insistent that I was to find her kind, loving, and may I emphasize, HUMAN adoptive parents. They said an eldritch god could not fully understand what it means to love another. I think they're right, I've only tried dating on Tinder recently, and the tenets of romance and love mostly elude me still. But I'll do my best for her.

Jane was determined to stay by my side, and I was equally adamant about signing the adoption papers to be her father.

They relented when I told them, unlike human parents, she will never fear outliving me. I can always be there every step of the way in her life. I could do everything in my power to ensure she lives a naturally long and fulfilling human life.

It's not that hard, I think. A human lifespan to me is what a mayfly is to humans. Brief, fleeting, but possibly impactful.

But most of all, barely anyone would try to hurt or mess with her under my watch. Not even a god of death could claim her before her time, I would fight Death to keep her on this earth until she was of a ripe old age for a human.

you would be right, here it is, exactly word for word.

https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/wkeip5/wp_the_eldritch_god_stood_before_the_girl_in/

When the charming, doe-eyed little boy in the cardboard armor approached the holy god, pumping one fist in the air and raising his toy sword triumphantly with his other hand, Dominicus found it hard to resist inviting the boy into one of his nearest guilds.

"I'm a hero! Do you know where the bad guys are?" piped the little boy.

Dominicus nodded and hoisted the boy on his shoulder, carrying him past the gilded doors of gold. He dropped the boy onto the carpet in his office and his secretary Glenda wheeled two chairs in for them to sit. He snapped his fingers twice and Glenda brought him a list of contacts.

"Nezirich? That boring lich already refused me once. Retired for millennia, he insists. At least I got a forbidden tome out of that visit." Dominicus frowned.

"Would you like to consider the Demon King Voragus?" Glenda offered.

Voragus it is. It was time he called in that favor when he had chosen to spare Voragus' life so he could live to see his daughter grow up.

"Greetings Voragus. This is Dominicus the Holy Blade, God-hero of the Holy Inquisition. I have a hero who wishes for the chance to vanquish evil..."

"Do I get to crush your hero like a bug?" asked Voragus over the line.

In the Holy Inquisition's office, the wannabe boy-hero had spun around so many times on the swivel chair he was emitting unhappy dizzy noises before he fell down with a loud thud. Glenda activated the on-hold music to cover for the noises, trying her best to hide from Voragus that there was a child in the room.

"Oh ho ho, is the Holy Blade of the Inquisition now babysitting?" Voragus let out a boisterous laugh.

"Look, the hero coming after you is 10, can you just play along and let him win?" Dominicus could already imagine the massive eye rolls Voragus must be doing right now. On all 12 of his eyes.

"No can do, Nicky. I have a reputation to maintain. I refuse to throw a fight with a dinky little 10-year-old kid. What will my minions ever think of me? Fuck off, I ain't playing games with your kid. Pick an older, sensible hero or something and I might reconsider."

"Mind your language, Demon King, I have the kid just nearby within an earshot. He just needs an illusion of winning. We can do it in neutral ground, a location where none of your minions can see you lose. I'll arrange something and my secretary will keep you posted with further details."

Glenda presented a proposal she quickly drafted while her god was on the phone when he hung up. Dominicus sighed and signed it off.

So it was agreed upon by all parties. The boy hero would barge into the church, the doors would open on cue for him, and he would run up to the Demon King Voragus, who stood upon the stage, defiling the church altar with his evil energies. All while two gods observed from the upper balcony of the church.

With a snap of the holy god's fingers, a bright light shone from the toy sword, blinding Voragus as he tried to dodge-roll out of the way, flattening several church pews in the process.

"You will be footing the bill for any damages to my church, won't you?" Elvari asked as he slid a plate of papal cakes toward Dominicus with a tentacle.

He clenched his fists and nodded solemnly, refusing to touch his cup of tea on the balcony's edge.

"Dominicus, I did not poison the tea. It is safe to drink."

Never trust an eldritch, Dominicus told himself. Especially one who has a million-dollar bounty he himself had placed. "Ironic", came a low whisper that invaded his mind. "You trusted me to provide the venue, did you not?"

"Do not mock me, eldritch horror. My monster slayers once successfully dismembered you and left your soul drifting in limbo for many years until your head priest revived you."

The boy kicked high in the air a few meters away from Voragus, who did an exaggerated backflip and flopped down to the ground dramatically, his heavy mass leaving branching cracks on the floor and shattering several floor tiles. Voragus picked himself up and did a running headbutt, only to miss by a mile and ram into a pillar, which creaked and cracked, before collapsing on the Demon King. There he lay on the floor helpless, "dizzy and winded" from the collision as the boy hero slowly approached his target.

"This is going to cost you." Elvari narrowed his eyes and Dominicus averted his gaze from the extensive damage that was taking place below the balcony. "You could have just asked me! I can play this game without breaking a sweat! Or any furniture. Voragus doesn't like losing to a kid, and he's clearly venting his frustrations on my furniture."

Dominicus took a deep breath and gulped. He couldn't argue at all.

As the freshly victorious boy-hero stood over the "fallen" Demon King and cheered, Dominicus groaned as Elvari gleefully swiped the former's credit card and keyed in an exorbitant amount that was going to take the Holy Inquisition years to recoup.

it certainly beats warm and stale non-alcoholic beer, that's for sure!

You are now in "The Good Place"! You love your soul mate, who loves you back, but it is an unhealthy, toxic sort of love that neither of you can leave each other for! You were made for each other, to drive each other nuts while all the other aspects of your life is GOOD!

you are assuming Lucifer won't conspire to make it non-alcoholic beer that you can't get drunk off.

I stared at my impossibly long task list, the requests numbering into the millions. It was tedious, mind-numbing work I was punished to do for all eternity. Dad, I hate you for this. I just baited a young woman into eating some fruit and now I am stuck here.

"I want to be rich! To be swimming in gold" came request #49383892 on my screen.

"Mammon, drop that sucker a big fucking pile of gold. Make sure it crushes him," I gave the order and chuckled a little as I watch the hapless mortal scream as he disappeared beneath the massive pile of gold dropped over his head.

That's just how I ease the boredom, I fuck these fools up who think they gonna get it good just because daddy up in heaven changed the rules to let humans choose what happens to them, and removed all limitations. I'm like some kind of fucking jerkass genie in a lamp, compelled to grant wishes while having the power to really make them regret those wishes.

"I want to live in the lap of luxury!"

With a waggle of my finger, I turned that bitch into a lap dog forever glued to the lap of a golden statue. Another one of those "get rich and get pampered" requests. Boring shit. I picked up programming recently so I could run my own analysis into these requests, and I fucking swear, 70% of them are all about luxury and pampering.

"I want expensive hearty meals! Eat good food all day!"

Lazy fucker. Couldn't he just call delivery? You only get one shot at choosing what you want in hell and you just want to eat? I much prefer reading the hilariously grandiose wishes, it made it all that much more fun to twist them. Maybe that human was hoping a simple wish would be harder for me to get creative, but I had to try.

May you always be served with expensive, but expired bear hearts, and may your beer always be warm and stale. Bon appetit.

I was drinking another bottle of Vodka when Brother James approached me with a few exorcism assignments.

"Bevra? Baron of 6th Hell? Pfft, that's small fucking fry. You should know by now I'm only called upon to take on the big bad boys," I snorted.

James bowed and showed another assignment. Mammon. Duke of Greed in the 9th Hell. Now we're talking. Now, this is the sort of challenge I live for. Can't wait to fuck this one up and show him who's boss. But first, I still have to attend one of those boring customary mission briefings.

James reminded me not to be rude, and no profanities in the presence of the cardinal. Eh, kid, you seem to be forgetting, you might not like my ways, but I'm the best exorcist you got. I just love this job so much, well, most of it, besides the boring briefings.

Ah yes, Mammon is wrecking shit in New York again. I nod, smile, and pretend to pay attention while the cardinal is yapping away. He glares at the vodka bottle I brought into the room but doesn't say anything. Of course, he doesn't mention it, the one time he objected to my drinking habits, I just went on a month-long sabbath, munching popcorn while a few demons trash a few towns.

So I take my rosary, my exorcism book, and a bottle of water. Is that water holy? Eh, who gives a fuck, I never really needed to sprinkle it at all. Looking for Mammon isn't hard at all, he's a big, dumb, greedy brute tearing his way through food factories and stuffing his face with anything that fits into his gigantic mouths.

I telepathically whisper into his ears in the ancient language. Told him to play my game, then fuck off and crawl his fucking way back to Hell. His eyes widen once he sees it's me, and he gets the hint. Maybe not so dumb after all. He raises his arms and flails about while I read these lame-ass prayers from the book. Sprinkle a bit of water on his face, and he's ready to head home to Hell.

Easy-peasy. All in a day's work, just posing, prancing, and praying for a bit before I tell them to beat it and fuck off back home to Hell. I love how easy it is to rake in good money.

I guess I ain't the only one because there is this little demon kid shuddering in the corner, watching me at work.

"I want to be powerful like you too," the kid declared. "How you take a perfectly human shape and just send them packing like that."

"Just give it a few million years and you might just get there," I tell him plainly. "Stay alive long enough while building power."

"I can't build power if everyone keeps robbing me or laughing at how human and simple my name is. Teach me your ways, oh great and wise President Haagenti. I want to be a President and a member of the 72 demons of Ars Goetia just like you!"

Cute. I'll take this kid with me. His human form is very rough around the edges, but there's definitely some raw talent I can work with. After all, it does take a powerful demon to truly assume a convincing human form, so the kid is halfway there. Maybe we can form an exorcist duo, chewing bubble gum, drinking wine, and kicking the asses of other demons.

I swirl the "holy" water bottle, turn it into wine and offer it to the demon kid. Tell me your name, kiddo.

["I'm Amy. Soon-to-be-President Amy."](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_(demon)

That dusty tome in the old man's hands was so incredibly vague and difficult to translate and comprehend, the cultists were reduced to throwing everything they could buy on the altar. It was so engrossing watching their determined faces. Keep going, I'm sure all of you will get a response eventually.

They had been shouting and chanting complete gibberish I did not understand. Do they even know what kind of monster god they were trying to contact? Or what their god liked or disliked? I had no inkling and neither did they. Not that it stopped their devoted fervor towards their worship.

After over 18 hours of non-stop attempts at sacrificing something to appease a god they barely knew, dancing and singing in noises that did not match up to any language I knew, the cultists fell to the ground, drained and exhausted.

But I wanted them to keep going. It was amusing and endearing in a manner of sorts. So I opened a portal from the Abyss to the mortal realm and offered them this thing I recently learned about from my own followers: "Energy drinks".

To most foreigners, Toledo is a much sought-after place to live the American Dream. Beneath the hustle and bustle of the city, there lies the designated Urban Fantasy Districts, where all manner of supernatural creatures live.

Toledo Untold Stories is a storytelling project to help humans and supernaturals share their stories of the challenges they face when they cross the line established by the Masquerade.

A man struggles to adopt a nocturnal lifestyle for his vampire girlfriend. A woman is heartbroken to lock up her werewolf fiancee every full moon. A child says goodbye to their mermaid friend because the river is too polluted. These are their untold stories.

"For me, falling in love with Carmilla quite literally turned my life upside down. I had to quit my cushy job and pick up a lower pay as a night shift duty guard so we could actually have time together. Otherwise, I will be working when she is asleep and vice versa! The nocturnal life is a chaotic mess for my biological clock and sometimes I wonder if my sanity was worth giving up for the love of my life. Sometimes I wonder if she will remember everything we did together when she inevitably outlives me..."

• Richard, a 32-year-old former finance manager who now works as a night shift security guard while dating Carmilla, 151-year-old Countess of Karnstein.

"My female friends tell me of their monthly troubles, but my trouble is double! My 2nd trouble is locking up my dear George every full moon. He's such a sweet, gentle man, but his wolf side is an absolute horror he cannot control! What did he do to deserve this? He didn't ask to be turned! All he asked was to be chained and thrown into our basement every full moon so he wouldn't hurt anyone. Before this mess, he wouldn't even hurt a fly! I haven't even told my parents my fiancee was bitten and turned into a werewolf...would they accept him now? I don't know..."

• Lisa (not her real name), an accountant whose high school sweetheart was bitten and converted into a werewolf just a year ago.

"I loved swimming, as a kid, I used to go down to the Smolbrok River because its waters and surroundings were beautiful. It was there that I met my best friend Ariel. She was a lovely mermaid who always gifted me with wonders from the river after our weekly swim together. My last swim with her was decades ago...before Matlan Pharmaceuticals moved in and their laboratories contaminated the rivers. It was so sudden when Ariel just blurted out that this would be our last swim. It still feels like yesterday sometimes...I've posted a few photos we've taken together online, please help me find my childhood best friend..."

• Benji, a 45-year-old fisherman, recounting a tale of lost innocence and friendship as Big Pharma ruined the once pristine waters of SmolBrok.

Over the last few years, we've gathered captivating stories that otherwise would not make news headlines from our diverse community of star-crossed friends and lovers, mortals and supernaturals.

Do you have an untold story to share with us?

Andy: Greetings! Supernatural tech support service center. I'm Andy, how may I help you today?

Bastet: Mortal, it has come to my attention that my laptop keyboard is jammed so I am reaching out to you via mobile.

Andy: Would you be able to recount when your keyboard began experiencing issues?

Bastet: My keyboard exhibited dire problems shortly after I started remotely working from home. I can say with much confidence I never had this issue when I had to travel to Bubastis to work.

Andy: I see. Bastet, would you be able to describe the differences between your work environment and your home environment? It could be an environmental issue that has caused your keyboard to jam.

Bastet: I believe the biggest difference is spending time with my numerous children and kittens.

Andy: I think one possible cause is that cat fur and dander have been stuck between your keyboard keys. I propose you pop them off and thoroughly clean them. And try not to let your kittens lounge and roam around your laptop again.

Bastet: Are you blaming my children for what is clearly a technical issue? It is in their nature for cats to lounge on keyboards, once in a while, I do lounge on Sekhmet's console for fun. I think it's the warmth generated, it tickles the belly.

Andy: No, no my lady. It's just probable cause. Please pop off your keyboard keys and clean them. This should resolve your issue. Please set a schedule to clean your keyboard regularly and you shouldn't have any issues moving forward. You may wish to purchase a keyboard dust cleaner or alcohol wipe to do so.

Bastet: Very well. I shall reserve my judgment. I will attempt your proposed solution.

--Issue resolved--

Customer Service Review:

"A little displeased this mortal dared push forth the narrative that cats lounging on keyboards is a terrible thing that can cause technical issues, but his proposed solution is impeccable. Never had any keyboard issues after setting up scheduled cleaning."

Thanks for reading! Please check out more of my writing here!

Andy: Greetings! Supernatural tech support service center. I'm Andy, how may I help you today?

Triton: Aye my tablet has these strange water droplets inside the screen, but I can't wipe them off! Attached screenshot here.

Andy: Hi Triton! Please check the Liquid Detection Indicator, perhaps you may have water inside your tablet. For your tablet model, the LDI is located inside your SIM card slot.

Triton: Pallas! Are you free? Come help your old man locate this S-I-M card thingy.

Andy: Hi Pallas! I'm Andy! Do you require assistance in locating the SIM card slot?

Pallas: I'm good, I'm not my father. The Liquid Detector Indicator you mentioned earlier, is it this red tab here?

Andy: That's a clear sign of water damage! Please turn off the tablet now! It's to save it from electrical damage.

Pallas: Okay I've done that. Any way for me to fix this tablet at home? Or do I have to take it to your service center?

Andy: You could use Silica packets or dehumidifying crystals. Put them in a ziplock bag, place your wet tablet inside, then seal for 24 hours. If the water damage is not too severe, the tablet will be in working order the very next day. If this does not work, please bring your tablet down to your nearest service center. In the future, please be careful to keep your device away from water.

Triton: But I live in the WATER! I AM THE GOD OF THE SEAS.

Andy: You may come down to your nearest retail shop to buy a waterproof tablet pouch to protect your device.

Pallas: You hear this, Father? Just use the tablet pouch I already bought for you!

Triton: But it's fucking Disney Triton!

--Issue resolved.--

Customer Service Review:

"Good service, willing to provide a great solution that does not involve going down to service center or paying dem dwarves."

Andy: Greetings! Supernatural tech support service center. I'm Andy, how may I help you today?

Cyclops: Forgot Password. Try Facial Recognition. No Recognize Face. Cannot Work. Why?

Andy: Facial recognition technology is invented by humans and built to register 2 eyes, 1 nose and 1 mouth. Perhaps you may wish to try another authentication method, such as finger printing.

Cyclops: Make ONE EYE Facial Recognition Work. If Not, File Racial Discrimination Suit.

Andy: I'm sorry Cyclops, this is beyond my capacity. Perhaps I could suggest to one of the dwarf engineers to work on a facial recognition software for one-eyed creatures such as your esteemed self. I cannot promise anything, it depends on the demand and viability. I'll let you know once our engineers get back to me.

Cyclops: Paste Eye Sticker. Facial Recognition Not Work. Why. You Said Two Eye Work.

Andy: Two symmetrical eyes! Not one big eye and one small sticker on the side of your face! Cyclops, please try fingerprinting for now, or stick to passwords that you can remember while I talk to our dwarf engineers on making facial recognition work for one eyed.

Cyclops: OOOKEY. THANKS.

Customer Service Review:

"OOKEY MAN. NICE MAN. BUT WHERE MY ONE EYE FACIAL RECOGNITION. WHY.

--Ticket 10024--

Customer requested alternate facial recognition software or technology to identify Cyclops face. Will perform market viability testing and report back.

--UPDATE--

Market Viability is low. Among our smartphone users, only 2% are Cyclopeans. 12% of Cyclopeans are satisfied with our fingerprinting technology, while 18% are satisfied with using passwords. The rest do not have any form of password protection or biometrics.

--ticket closed--

Andy: Greetings! Supernatural tech support service center. I'm Andy, how may I help you today?

Bigfoot: ARGH. Ask me "Pressh ANY key". Where ish ANI key?

Andy: Just press any key, Bigfoot. There is no particular key called "any".

Bigfoot: Can not pressh key dat Arr can not find.

Andy: Let's try it this way. Do you have a favourite button to press?

Bigfoot: Arr likey dat "B" key. "B" ish fur Bigfoot.

Andy: Press the "B" key anytime you see the step to "Press Any Key". It will work.

Bigfoot: Arr yo da best! Ish works!

--Issue resolved--

Customer Service Review:

“Best service I have found! Today’s technology is unnecessary cumbersome and complex, but these guys know their stuff!”

(Bigfoot asked Sasquatch to write the above for him. Bigfoot thinks Sasquatch comment ish too long but whatever makes good hooman look good to his boss ish good)

Thanks for reading! Please check out more of my writing here!

Please send in a ticket or request and our customer service representative will get back to you soonest. Our dwarf engineers provide the best tech services in the supernatural multiverse!

If you liked our services, please remember to like and subscribe! If you will be so kind, do assist us to fill up our customer service feedback form and let us know how we are doing!

Thank you!

Andy: Greetings! Supernatural tech support service center. I'm Andy, how may I help you today?

Medusa: I think I may have bricked my laptop. Would you be able to help with that? I can send you a screenshot, I am borrowing Arachne's laptop to contact you.

Andy: My lady! That's solid stone all around your laptop! I thought you only turn people to stone when they look at you! Would you be able to retrace how that happened?

Medusa: I'm not sure, the last thing I did was argue with Perseus about how rude it is to punt a lady's head after decapitating it. Next thing I know, my laptop turned to stone!

Andy: Don't sweat it, my lady! Bring your laptop to your nearest service center, and we will assign a dwarf to mine your laptop out of that hard rock!

--ticket number 10009--

Dwarf Engineer Andvari has reported that the stoning affected only external components. Laptop has been successfully mined out of the stone and returned to customer fully fuctional.

--ticket closed--

Andy: Greetings! Supernatural tech support service center. I'm Andy, how may I help you today?

Ares: FIX LAPTOP NOW.

Andy: Please specify your problem so we may better diagnose your laptop problems.

Ares: SMASHED IT. LOKI IS FUCKING CHEATER. HACKER. AUTO AIM PUSSY. NOW LAPTOP DOES NOT TURN ON.

Andy: Ares, I may not be able to advise you over the phone. Please send your laptop down to your nearest service center for repairs. If our dwarf engineers deem the damage too severe, you may consider buying a new laptop.

Ares: THROW IT TO YOU. MUST CATCH.

Andy: Ares, please, that is very dangerous. Please be informed that it is a criminal offense to be violent towards our staff.

Ares: I WILL WALK.

--ticket 10010--

Dwarf Engineer Fargrim has deemed the damage too severe to repair. Customer laptop is within warranty period. Replacement laptop will be sent to customer address in one week's time. We will not replace laptop if customer smashes it again.

--ticket closed--

Andy: Greetings! Supernatural tech support service center...Whoa it has been a long while since you last came by our service center! You really should be getting out more often and getting some real, actual sunlight, not the illusionary stuff. You don't look so good today.

Gwyndolin: I requesth thy assistance to set up content control web filters on these covenant laptops.

Andy: Any particular websites or content you wish to block your covenant members from accessing?

Gwyndolin: A 'chosen undead' who recently joined mine covenant has been spreading R34 pictures of me. Thou shalt block these websites here in this list provided. If thou art a true discipline of the Dark Sun, thou shalt Hunteth these heretics.

Andy: I'm afraid the latter request is beyond me, we ain't in Anor Londo. Also, PVP isn't allowed here in this support center. I can definitely help with the website filters though. Would you be able to come back to collect these laptops before we close shop today?

Gwyndolin: I shalt return tomorrow morning. I have an evening appointment with Sulyvahn.

Andy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Gwyndolin: Thou shalt not shout in such an offensive manner. Pray tell, what thy know of Sulyvahn.

Andy: I played over 1000 hours of Dark Souls 3!!! I...I'll see you tomorrow. Please come to pick up the laptops tomorrow please.

--ticket 10011--

Website content filters have been set up as per customer specifications on all laptops. Pending customer collection.

--UPDATE--

Customer has not returned to collect the laptops for over 3 months and has not responded to phone calls, emails and snail mail reminders. Ticket has been automatically closed.

--ticket closed--

Fuck holier-than-thou angels, demons are the in thing now.

At first, everyone aspired to go to Heaven. It was the Good Place. For good people. Don't be a murderer, don't be a hatemonger, and don't be a sinner. Love yourself, love your neighbours, love your god.

Doesn't sound very hard, does it?

But then, somewhere down the road, they piled up on what is considered sinful. It didn't matter if you were the most awesome pet rescuer. Fucking gay? You're a sinner going down to Hell. It didn't matter if you were the most altruistic philanthropist. Wanna make a certain transition in life? You're a sinner going down to Hell.

Hell didn't care about those things. The demons embraced all men and women who come through the gates. You're all welcome, they said. You can suffer with your friends. Humans are social creatures, it would be boring as fuck hanging out with angels who do nothing but smite sinners and perpetually praise god. That's just fucking lonely shitty life. That ain't a good place for good people. That's just BOORING.

Lucifer isn't the evil devil in a suit, that's just propaganda from above. That's what the angels want you to think. Nah, he's a real chill bro in a Hawaii shirt and flip-flops, wearing big cool Ray Bans, waving in every new human streaming into Hell.

Fallen angels and demons aren't fucking outcasts tossed out from Heaven, they're the new popular kids in town, so many humans love them. It's all about acceptance. Love ya all, regardless of race, sex, gender, religion, or neurodiversity, ya all in.

Now, Hell has a new rocking deal in town. Why wait to die? Why not just sign your soul to us demons in advance, and we'll take Hella good care of you when you transition from life to death? We promise one Helluva roadtrip down to Hell. You'll love it, you'll remember it for all your eternity in Hell.

Just remember, it's a one-way trip to Hell. No refunds allowed, no take-backsies, bitches. When it comes to souls, once sold, considered sold.

Thanks for reading! Please check out more of my writing here!

When he first rose from the seas to greet the fishermen on board in the darkest of nights, they screamed in such a horrible manner they almost blew his ears out.

"Don't be scared...wait, it's 'be not afraid'...," the tentacled monstrosity blurted out as he struggled mightily to read the words on his smudged cue cards, no doubt from the moisture. Did he manage to get his words out? He could not hear himself from the deafening screams of these humans.

One of the fishermen stopped his incessant shrieking to gawk, two hands firmly gripping his fishing spear, pointed in his direction. He raised a tentacle and pressed the spear downwards; he sensed a rude hostility and desired to push that down in favor of trying to speak their language. He had cribbed some words from a few of those flying eye-things who called themselves angels, hoping it could come in handy to resolve potential miscommunication.

"Stabbing fish with spears, it's so primitive and unrefined. I wish to impart to you better techniques." He slowly raised his hands and most of his tentacles (not all of them, after all, he still needed to keep a few tentacles in the water) in the air. Open, raised appendages is a sign of coming in peace, if he remembered correctly.

The fishermen seemed to understand. Teach us then, they said.

"And so that's all I did. I taught fishermen to fish better. Okay, I concede, I also handed out Amulets of Protection to a few favored followers. You have to believe me."

The monster slayer snorted his beer and brutally punched the creature clapped in chains before him. The creature spat out deep crimson blood onto the interrogation table and kept his steely gaze upon the slayer.

"Amulets of Protection my ass, you use those to brainwash people. You're a typical tentacled eldritch horror. I've seen and killed too many of your kind. I know what they call you, Eldritch Lord of the Black Seas. They say you drive humans insane with your incomprehensible cosmic revelations. They say you're evil and want to end our world and plunge it into the darkness."

"I merely seek to enlighten, for too long humans have lived on placid lands of ignorance in the midst of the black seas of infinity. You barely know what lies in the oceans and the seas of your own world. Surely, human's unfathomable curiosity could not be sated by what roams the lands alone, and will one day dive the depths of the waters to seek knowledge and power.

What you heard about me is nothing more than lies and slander. Innsmouth has grown from a village to a bustling city under my guidance." The creature opened his palms and tried to spread his shackled hands. It's a sign of peace, he told himself, the human should understand.

All he got was a hunting knife stabbed through the palm of his right hand.

"That's just rude," the creature said ruefully with a frown. "Who is the real monster here? The one who looks like a monster, or the one who behaves like a monster?"

"I'm not playing your mind games, eldritch horror. You are completely helpless and at my mercy chained with these magic nullifiers. When my crew is done dealing with your brainwashed followers, they will join me in tearing you apart. And I will enjoy hacking each and every one of those accursed tentacles of yours."

But little did they know, true divinity could not truly be destroyed, only shattered. But it still is a major pain in the ass to pull himself together when reduced to bloody gobs of messily hacked flesh.

He gritted his teeth. He wasn't going to cave in and start bawling in tears despite the agonizing pain. After years of receiving prayers from his followers, Elvari, Eldritch Lord of the Black Seas, silently prayed for the first time this dismemberment would suck a lot less than the first time he was shattered.

This was fun. Couldn't resist cribbing a bit of HP Lovecraft here.

Click here for the 1st prompt that inspired this series..

the 2nd entry, and sorta 3rd here

Been thinking if I should make my own subreddit and turn this into a legit short story series.

2nd one indeed. makes you wonder about the 1st one, doesn't it. Should try my hand at TwoSentenceHorror.

Gods created men, but Colt made them equal. All are equal in death.

Gods created men, but Colt made them equal.

It used to mean that all are equal in their ability to defend themselves when handed a Colt gun. As Samuel Colt Jr, I brought a new twist to my family's slogan when I made the Godslayer.

Now Colt made men and gods equal.

Now, gods can die just like men thanks to the Godslayer, and it became my main business, killing immortals and gods who felt they lived too long and wanted to die like a mortal, while I handed over the Colt Manufacturing Company to my younger brother.

Today, the Greek goddess before has a different request than the usual.

"You, Godslayer, I would like to contract you to kill my husband. I have cursed all his lovers and jinxed all the children these lovers have borne him, but he never ever stops being the biggest horndog of Olympia!"

"Hera, are you asking me to kill Zeus for you? Have you brought him here?" I asked.

"You'll have to find Zeus, all I know is that he isn't Olympia, but hooking up with yet another girl on the mortal plane."

"Hera, with all due respect, I provide assisted suicides for gods, I am not a hunter. The gods come to me to die, I do not go out of my way to hunt down immortals."

"I can turn you into a slug if you refuse to take on this job," Hera glared, her eyes now burning coals of fire.

So I offered her my Godslayer and taught her how to use it. God-hunting really wasn't my forte at all. I think she got what she wanted, because the word spread and now many gods wanted me to forge them a Godslayer to kill each other. Sharing that power I forged was like opening a Pandora's Box, I could not take it back from the gods who bought it from me to murder each other en masse.

Time traveller from the future, if you are reading this, I am sorry for bringing about the collapse of the Heavens and the 2nd Apocalypse.

"Star Spotting Inc here, how may I help you?" Claire tried her best to sound cheerful and helpful over the phone.

"Hi, I'm Karen Howard. So, I made a wish on a wishing star I spotted when I signed up for your tour package, and now I'm stuck in some slice-of-life with some plain Joe who wouldn't stop mowing his lawns. I want a refund and a teleport back to where I was!"

"Ms Howard, according to our database, the wishing star has successfully fulfilled your wish. We do not offer refunds for successful wishes, only wishes that failed. You are in the world of your favourite anime, Saiunkoku Monogatari, as you wished."

"I didn't ask for a modern version of Saiunkoku! I didn't ask to see Jake, I wanted to hang out with the hot guys like Seiran and Shuuei! I want to speak with your manager! NOW!" Karen was getting frustrated over the phone.

"Our manager is currently busy at the moment, perhaps you could wish upon a wishing star if you see one. It would really help if you could be much more specific about your wishes, most of our genies are still relatively new at the job and do not fully comprehend human desires."

"Then you grant my wish to get back home this instant or I am going to downvote your app in Google Play!" Karen retorted.

"Ms Howard, I do not have the power to grant wishes. What I can do..." Claire didn't get to finish speaking when Karen slammed down the phone on her.

Claire hastily dialed an extension of her colleague. "Shemhuresh, I noticed that you granted the wish of a Ms Karen Howard when she wished upon a wishing star. Could you explain why her wish turned out the way it did? I would like to write her an email to provide an explanation."

"Yo Claire, I swear I did muh homework before granting that wish, but lemme tell ya, that Karen ain't gonna last one day if I dropped her into medieval China what with all the scheming and assassination attempts in the Imperial Court of Shi Ryuuki. I just made some adjustments to ensure I fulfilled her wish in a safe manner without her dying or getting embroiled in complex politics.

It would really suck ass if a customer got badly injured or died, don't ya agree? Better to be downvoted than sued to oblivion, yo."