<Fantasy / Comedy>

People had called Kothar an unhinged madman, but the necromancer's insanity was nothing compared to the hero's jaw... literally unhinging! Kothar might not have been as surprise were it a reptilian species of some sort - Lizardfolk, Argonian, Reptoid, anything - but a human? To call watching a man's mouth expand to the point that an entire cheese wheel fit 'unsettling' was an understatement.

"Are you...are you even ch-chewing?" Kothar asked, his eyes narrowing as his face twisted in discomfort. The hero just stared back at him with a ferocious intensity while lifting up a roast chicken. His teeth sank into it but he did not bite through; rather he was just using them to hold the chicken in place as he shoved it inch-by-inch into his gullet.

Kothar felt nauseous. He had not had a stomach in over eight centuries but this was getting to him. The spell that had been glowing in his staff had long since faded away as his concentration was utterly destroyed. Another wheel of cheese came out of the hero's pack and as he opened his mouth again Kothar could see the whole chicken still in the process of being swallowed.

"Please stop," the mage said weakly, taking a step back. The hero stepped forward as he forced the cheese into his mouth, not even blinking as he glared at Kothar.

"Stop this at once!" Kothar said, pointing his staff threateningly but fear was gripping the necromancer now. He had done some despicable and disgusting things but this was unnatural even beyond his dark magic.

When the hero pulled a watermelon out of his pack, Kothar shrieked and threw the staff down on the ground. He turned and ran away, glancing back as he made for the hidden escape tunnel and saw only the hero, watermelon half in his mouth, giving chase.

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r/TomesOfTheLitchKing

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Villain asked in horror.

"Me? I am hungry. You want some? Have a few more cheese wheels! It will help you regain your stamina." Hero answered. As he took another bite from a sausage.

"How can you devour so many things so fast? How big is your stomach?"

"I dunno, it feels like just a click. And it is gone."

"And where, how did you carry so many foods around? What about your health? Don't you have high cholesterol or something?"

"Nah. Healthy as a cow. I will live long enough to eradicate your kind from this world!"

The villain dropped his weapon. "I am not gonna fight you anymore. I mean we have our differences. But dude, you need professional help. Like real shrinks or doctors and stuff. And why bother fighting? You gonna die of heart attack in a few years anyway."

The Hero was angry: "Hey, where do you think you are going. Hey! Are you calling me fat? So you are both a piece of shit and a body shamer? Hey. Don't leave me here alone! Come fight me! I have mead. We can drink after the fight."

He kept yelling as the villain left the battlefield.

The hero staggered, exhausted, bleeding from a dozen wounds. The villain grinned and brandished his sword preparing to swing the final blow and end yet another foolish crusade.

The blow never fell, it was like some form of paralysis gripped the villain, he couldn’t even move his eyeballs. If that wasn’t disconcerting enough it was like all sound had fled the world, right down to the buzzing of the bees on nearby wildflowers. Not surprising really as through the dark fog that suddenly blanketed the world he could see the bees were frozen too.

Not so the hero, he was rigid below the waist but his hands twitched and his eyes flicked about rapidly as if seeing some kind of vision. He suddenly reached into the tiny satchel at his belt and fetched out a whole roast chicken; It was piping hot and full of stuffing. While the rest of the world was frozen about him the hero ate.

He didn’t stop there, after the chicken was consumed he pulled out a wheel of cheese from the satchel that had already been too small to contain the chicken. Again the terrible sound, the gnashing of teeth and the slapping of lips and tongue, made all the worse for being the only sound in the muffled and dulled world.

It was as the hero produced a second wheel of cheese. The villain noticed that the terrible wounds were knitting back together, as they the blood disappeared from his skin and soaked back out of his clothes. Even the broken links in his armour and the cuts in leather and cloth fixed themselves.

Finally the hero reached deep into his bag and produced a melon. He ate it like it was nothing tougher than a sweet roll. His teeth crunching through rind and wet pink flesh alike.

When the melon was gone, pips and all the hero had a satisfied looking on his face and smirked as light and sound rushed back into the world and a blow that had been hanging frozen in time was easily blocked by arms that had regained all their strength and vigour.

The villain wanted to run, his ears were still ringing with the terrible smacking of lips, he could not though. Even as his bowels quivered and loosened at the monstrosity the hero had been revealed to be, the compulsion to fight bound him as tightly as the spell that has stolen most of the light and sound from the world.

Just as the villain was prepared to throw himself at the hero again in a punishing flurry of moves the hero crouched and…

What was he doing? There had been a sound he came to investigate, he remembered that much, there should be something here in-front of him, but when he concentrated his head just got fuzzy.

“Must have been the wind,” he said out loud though no one was in earshot.

The villain sheathed his sword and headed back towards the fire. Something was bothering him but he couldn’t place it, he could just hear the echoes of gnashing teeth and smacking lips, he shivered as he sat down on his log and held his hands up to the heat.

Thunk.

&#x200B;

It was probably the most terrifying sight he'd had seen.

Not because most of his men were dead in battle, but because the hero was standing above him, his sword about to come down. . .

"One moment, sorry." The hero said, taking a large supply of food containing a roast chicken, cheese wheels, and a watermelon from his infinitely large pockets.

"What are you doing? Isn't this the part where you kill me?" Said the villain.

"Kill you? No. I need to like...Revive my health. You understand, right?"

The health bar on top of the hero went all the way back to 100, after swallowing all the food at once. The villain looked up, he had a health bar, too!

"What the heck! This isn't some sort of video game, right?!" The villain asked.

"Ugh. Did you not read the fine print?"

The villain and the hero continued bickering. . .

"The screens frozen! What a bad arcade game! Wait a minute. Are those characters. . . Talking?"

Lord Vatio laughed as he flung two massive fireballs at Markus, both striking the young adventurer true. Markus fell to the ground, both his skin and lungs burning with intense pain.

"Foolish boy, you think a "friendship" and " a prophecy" is enough to scare me? I've been planning my invasion for over a century, and I won't be stopped by a foolish farm boy with a death wish!" Lord Vatio roared, green energy flowing into his palms as he prepared another attack.

As he launched a green beam from both his hands Markus rolled out of the way at the last second, his seemingly only way of keeping himself alive. "You're wrong Vatio! My friends have been pulling me through this entire journey! Darcy, Milio, and Rava have all been there for me, and even though they're not here they've given me the key to make your ass mine!" Markus shouted, a mix of hope and rage in his voice.

"Oh, and by chance what would that "key" happen to be? An ancient artifact that will give you the advantage? A spell that will channel all your rage and give you a new form?" Vatio taunted, a wicked grin painted across his face.

"NO, THIS" Markus said as he pulled out a rotisserie chicken, a watermelon and two cheese wheels from his satchel. Just as fast as they appeared they were gone, and Markus glowed as his skin returned to it's normal color and every cut and bruise faded into nothingness.

Lord Vatio's smile dropped for the briefest second but immediately spread again like butter on a hot pan. "That's how you'll defeat me? With a picnic spread?" He laughed again, preparing another roaring fire ball. He threw the miniature star at Markus, and it hit dead center.

Markus was as charred as used kindling, but with the last ounce of strength he had he reached into his satchel and pulled out a rotisserie chicken, watermelon, and two cheese wheels. And again it had vanished, taking the damage Markus received with it.

This time Lord Vatio's smile didn't return this time. "What's the meaning of this? How are you doing... That?" Lord Vatio asked, gesturing to all of Markus.

"The key to beating you. Luckily the village elder of Rava's village gave me a magical item that can store vast amounts of items. Darcy's village specializes in healing items, and Milio's mom makes some damn good food." Markus said, a smile now stretched across his face.

Lord Vatio shrugged, "It will take more than a few servings of food to take me down." He said nonchalantly as he formed the green energy from his hands into a scythe.

"Oh yeah? Well is 250 lbs enough to take you down?" Markus asked as he downed another combo of chicken, cheese and fruit.

Lord Vatio grew pale. He already wasted a fair amount of energy dealing with this brat so far, and now to hear the battle wasn't even a tenth of the way over visibility shook him.

"When I said your ass was mine I meant it. I ate plenty but I'll always have room for seconds!" Markus said as he took another swing with blade.

In a castle with big black throne, a creature with black spikes protuding from its back laughed, "HAHAHA, look at you right now hero, not so tough anymore huh? You came to my castle only to get killed."

In front of the creature there was a guy with white and gold armor. The hero, was what people said, a brave young man who slain countless abyss monster. Right now he was in pitiful state, he lost his ears, his eyes, and one of his arm. While panting the hero shout, "NOT YET", and food suddenly popped out of nowhere and the hero swallowed an entire roast chicken, two cheese wheels, and a whole watermelon. After swallowing those food, the hero regrew his ears, eyes and arm, and even looked much stronger than before.

The creature shouted, "Wha.. what.. WHAT THE HECK? How? Why? This is bizzare! I cut your ears, stabbed your eyes, and even burned your arm so you could not reattach it. Now you just grew everything back??"

Hero said, "you know, food effects, I roasted the chicken with shards of dragon horn for regeneration. Watermelon with berries to heal me back to my peak condition. Two cheese wheels with durian to buff my body."

The creatures jaws slacked and started throwing a tantrum, "this is NOT fair, I lived for 200 years and never heard of it!"

The hero shrugged his shoulder and said "well, your loss, it is new invention. I got these ideas from someone inside of my head, I called them God, they called themselves as player"

The creature shocked, "player? I knew about them, they were divine beings who foiled a lot of my friends evil plans!"

Then the creature is looking at you, "Hey you, yes you, the person behind this screen, can you stop cheating and let me fight fairly?"

"What the hell. What's wrong with you?" I shouted flabbergasted. The dark haired mans face was slowly turning green and seconds later he started burping kindoff uncontrolled.

"I'm healing in combat you.... Burp.... vile fiend. Now take this." And he came for me again, stumbling now clearly green in his face. I avoided the attack with ease and planted a fist in his gut. And all his precious healing started leaking out of his mouth. He groand" what have you done to me, what is this vile magic preventing me from healing."

Slowly it dawned on me what me meant.

" Are you actually serious? How old are twenty probably plus a few years?"

"uh yeah why are you asking"

"Because this is fucking real life." I shouted "There I no such thing as healing quickly like in a fucking video game you'll just upset you stomach, gods you even swallowed the chicken bones, what in the living burning hell is wrong with some people."

I stepped to the vomiting disarmed hero and splatters his brain across the floor.

" Idiots" I mumbled.

[deleted]

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