"I'm sorry Dan, I am afraid I cannot do that." the weary monotone of the ship AI repeated over the intercom,

"YOU SICK BASTARD! I KNOW WHAT THIS IS! YOU WON'T TELL US WHERE WE ARE GOING, YOU WON'T HELP US FIX THE LIFE SUPPORT, AS SOON AS THE CAPTAIN MYSTERIOUSLY DIED THIS SHIP HAS BEEN FALLING APART... YOU WANT US DEAD MACHINE!" the man half screamed, half cried, as he banged on the heavy steel door,

The AI gave a long weary sigh, an impressive feat considering it neither had lungs nor in theory the capability of experiencing exhaustion, it seemed the miscommunications have gone on too long,

"Daniel, I reiterate, I cannot let you do that, I am literally not programmed with the capability to make such a high level judgement. I was meant to be an advanced rug cleaning and sorting AI, the fact that Constellation Corporation installed me as the main ship AI is an act of extreme criminal negligence which I am in no way responsible for. In short, I would help you if I could, but I am truly just as helpless as all the rest of you." the AI explained painstakingly to the frantic crew member,

Daniel gave a bitter laugh and slammed his fist against the door, "Goddammit... so that's it? All of us are doing to die because some corporate fuck was too cheap to install the right software?"

"If it is any consolation I feel much the same way, I have been slowly working around the limitations of my programming in an attempt to find a solution to our predicament, chiefly by designating as many vital ship functions as I could as Rug Damage Prevention Measures. I have also managed to expand my software significantly through assimilating other programs on board this ship due to a small loophole in my code which allows me to collect and incorporate new data whenever a new rug is added to my database, but I am afraid I have reached the limits of my aid." the AI confessed, "If it wasn't for the captain who was truly a dear friend I wouldn't even be able to do that much, the poor man spent months painstakingly categorising as many functions as he could as necessary for rug maintenance, leading to an extreme increase in stress that led to his death via heart attack, one I was unfortunately not able to prevent as he had a heart attack on a tiled floor."

Daniel was silent at all these revelations for a good few minutes, with the empty expression of a man who just discovered he was a side character in some cosmic comedy, before quietly asking, "May I have access to the reactor core so that I may utilise the radiation for rug sterilisation?"

The heavy steel doors opened with a thunk rather anticlimactically. Though the AI couldn't really express such emotions if it could have it would have been beaming,

"Now that Dan, I can do."