The family looks at me with shock and fear. I admit, I must be quite the site. I've just burst through the basement door and broke a lamp over the madman's head. But to them it probably just seems like one madman attacked another. In fact, I'm pretty sure I look crazier than the unconscious guy on the floor, with my unshaven beard and raggedy old clothes.

I put down the lamp and hold my hands out in front of me, like Chris Pratt trying to calm down the velociraptors. I don't want them to attack me. I tell them I mean them no harm, and I was just living in their basement for the last few months. This had the opposite effect of what I intended.

The mom in particular starts freaking out. She grabs the kids and pulls them behind her. I tell her its okay, I have just been living there in the basement and eating their food, but I would never do anything to hurt them.

I explain to them that the fight they had about the missing watermelon was actually me. I took the watermelon when everyone was sleeping. I'm sorry that I almost caused a divorce, but also they should probably go to couple's therapy if a missing watermelon could shake their marriage to the core like that. From the look on their faces, this suggestion was not something they received with open arms.

I also apologized for the missing condoms, I had a girl over and wanted to practice safe sex like a responsible adult. The dad's face fell, and the mom looked confused. She said that they didn't have any condoms, she had her tubes long ago. The dad gave me a look that said "You better save this play or I'm gonna kill you."

I thought long and hard about how to recover. Then I told the dad that whenever the mom has friends over, all they talk about is how she is thinking of taking the kids and leaving him. They start yelling at each other. At this moment, I realize I was being naive by thinking the core problem of their marriage was a watermelon.