The knight looked down at his child. What was he going to do now? It came from his loins afterall, he did not want to kill it. Even if it did singe the knight's eyebrows with it's fire breathe.

The king was livid. He wanted less dragons in his kingdom, and this was the opposite. This was more dragons. Maybe not a lot more, in fact only half of one more, but that is still the opposite direction from where he was going.

The knight wanted to keep his son, but also knew that if he did not obey the king, it was very likely that he and the baby would both be killed. He figured he would try to reason with the king, who he thought might come to understand his position. Unfortunately kings, by nature of being kings, tend not to be understanding. Something about holding omnipotence over a kingdom does not help empathy. Who would have thought?

The knight laid how his reasoning. How he misunderstood the assignment, but this is where they now were. It was nobody's fault, it was just a miscommunication. How this was now the knight's family and could not murder a member of his own family, even if it did have little wings. He begged the king to try to see this, and told the king that perhaps there was even a way to use the child, maybe learn more about dragon's and find their weaknesses.

The king thought about this for a while, and finally after much contemplation decided to keep the weird dragon child alive. The knight celebrated. He thanked the king. He groveled and kissed the king's shoes. Finally the king asked the question that everybody was thinking. How did the knight do it?

The knight answered. "With a lot of lube."

The aliens were very frail once we took all of their equipment away. They really were the epitome of 'little green men,' standing at about three feet tall. While in battle, they all were in these giant mech suits, but once you took them out of the suits, they looked like the kid that would get bullied on the playground.

There were debates of whether to put them into labor camps, what would have essentially have equated to slavery, but that didn't sit right with people. Pretty much everyone tweeted out against it from their phones that were built by Chinese slave labor.

Some thought straight up extermination was the answer. Line them all up and just shoot them. Or put them all on some patch of land in Kansas and throw a big ol' bomb in the middle. But that Kansas government said no because it would get green goop all over their corn, and people would not buy corn that was covered in green goop.

Others wanted to integrate them into our society. Have them take up jobs and learn our culture and assimilate. Maybe we could teach them things, and they could teach us things. You know like we could teach them about Earth culture, such as soccer and bangbros. They could teach us their culture, such as... well I guess invading other planets and trying to take over. Maybe we should be the only ones teaching the culture. Many were against this as well though. People didn't want to work side by side with the aliens that tried to mass exterminate us. They didn't want to see them at McDonalds or Target.

A vote was held and the last option was the winner, to the dismay of many. It didn't matter, there were never going to be any answers that did not upset people. Because there were no good answers. We chose to take the supposed high road, and hopefully by choosing it, the aliens would be grateful and not try to kill us all ever again. That's the goal anyways. Call me an optimist.

I have unfinished business. And I am not leaving until I figure out what to do about it. I died here. At this dumpy little gas station. You may be wondering how I died. Well let me tell you, that is quite the story.

I stopped by this gas station for some reason, I can't remember exactly why... Oh right. I needed gas. And a I was filling up my car I went into the little shop to buy some bullshit for the trip. Some Slimjims. Some Salt and Vinegar potato chips. Just stuff you could grab and eat while you are in the car.

But then I saw it. The gas station sushi. It looked so delicious, and I love sushi. Something about raw fish that hasn't been cooked is just so delicious to me. I just had to grab it.

As I leave I am not even back in my car and I am already ripping off the lid and shoving the orange fish in my mouth. It is so fucking good by the time I am sitting in my car it is already almost empty and a minute later I am licking the plastic container clean.

And that is when I feel it. A gurgle in my stomach. And then a second gurgle in my ass. I run out of my car and dart to the gas station bathroom. I need a key, it won't open. I run inside and ask the guy at the counter but he says he can't help me, it is for employees only. I don't have time to argue so I just run back out and start kicking the door, I don't have time, ff I don't shit immediately, there is going to be a big issue. It's too late, the door won't budge, I run into the bushes next to the gas station and just explode all over. It is disgusting and the last thing I remember before becoming translucent.

I float around for a bit. My car is still parked at pump 4. I try to get in but I can't. I wonder how long it will stay here before someone comes and tows it away. I go inside and start yelling at the guy at the counter who wouldn't give me the bathroom key. He doesn't seem to hear me. I rub my dirty undead ass in his face. He crinkles his nose, I know he can smell my diarrhea that has stained my ass in the afterlife. I vow to never leave this gas station ever again and keep my shit covered ass in this guy's face.

Oh man, here I go, the fucking kid spilled his juice, I guess the mom is about to grab me. Yup she did it. I guess I'm going in head first.

Oh man, this is gross. Ugh, she's just dipping my face into this juice, ugh I'm getting so soggy. At least I'm Bounty strong so I'm not tearing, that's nice. I don't have to deal with the rips, just the gross wet feeling all over my body and the purple tint. I'm pretty sure I'm picking up old dirt and dust that was already on this table too. Damn, this is so disgusting. At least it's almost over.

Oh she's taking me to the sink and.... oof, she's wringing me out. She squeezing me into a ball and squeezing the juice out of me. This hurts, I am not a fan at all. And the worst part is, if she's wringing me out, in means she's about to shove me back into the gross purple puddle again.

Yup, here I go. Ughh... if only I was some masochist, then I might actually enjoy this. If only I had something nice to look forward to. I should really savor this though, because once she's done using me up she's just going to throw me in the garbage with some smelly rotten fruit and raw chicken bits.

I really hope in my next life I'm reincarnated into something better like a cardboard box.

The family looks at me with shock and fear. I admit, I must be quite the site. I've just burst through the basement door and broke a lamp over the madman's head. But to them it probably just seems like one madman attacked another. In fact, I'm pretty sure I look crazier than the unconscious guy on the floor, with my unshaven beard and raggedy old clothes.

I put down the lamp and hold my hands out in front of me, like Chris Pratt trying to calm down the velociraptors. I don't want them to attack me. I tell them I mean them no harm, and I was just living in their basement for the last few months. This had the opposite effect of what I intended.

The mom in particular starts freaking out. She grabs the kids and pulls them behind her. I tell her its okay, I have just been living there in the basement and eating their food, but I would never do anything to hurt them.

I explain to them that the fight they had about the missing watermelon was actually me. I took the watermelon when everyone was sleeping. I'm sorry that I almost caused a divorce, but also they should probably go to couple's therapy if a missing watermelon could shake their marriage to the core like that. From the look on their faces, this suggestion was not something they received with open arms.

I also apologized for the missing condoms, I had a girl over and wanted to practice safe sex like a responsible adult. The dad's face fell, and the mom looked confused. She said that they didn't have any condoms, she had her tubes long ago. The dad gave me a look that said "You better save this play or I'm gonna kill you."

I thought long and hard about how to recover. Then I told the dad that whenever the mom has friends over, all they talk about is how she is thinking of taking the kids and leaving him. They start yelling at each other. At this moment, I realize I was being naive by thinking the core problem of their marriage was a watermelon.

Haha definitely not inspired by fights with my ex at all

I couldn't believe it when I heard an actual person's actual voice. And not just some stupid recording but an actual voice talking back to me. Actually responding to the words I just said? At first I was skeptical, I thought it might be one of those annoying voicemail messages where they pretend like they actually picked up and then it turns out to be a prank and they did not pick up at all. But I tested it by farting into the phone, and she actually responded and asked me if I just farted into the phone. I lied because I was embarrassed and told her I shit my pants to throw her off the trail. This was the first human I've talked to in decades, I wasn't going to fuck this up.

She asked me where I was, and i told her I was in Idaho. She said she was in Florida. We started to make plans to meet each other. At first she wanted me to come to Florida, but I told her there was no way in hell that I would ever go to Florida, even if it was before the apocalypse. We agreed that we should meet in the middle, which was Kansas. Not much better than Florida, but all things considered I figured it was fine.

I started packing up my things. I always end up forgetting one thing when I travel, so I was trying to be extras careful. Towel, underwear, toothbrush, phone charger... Ugh, this is why I hate traveling.

Finally I set off on my adventure. I put on my backpack and started walking. I hoped on the way I would be able to find a running car, otherwise this was going to take a while one foot. Especially a bad knee. I was also worried about all the demon spirits that were flying around ever since the end of the world, but I figured why would a demon spirit want to go to Kansas? I was probably safe.

On our journey, every day we would chat on the phone at night. I started feeling smitten towards her. Despite the fact that she was from Florida she did have some good qualities about her. The main one was that she was alive. All the girls I've talked to in the last twenty years have been dead, so she is doing amazing on that front.

After a couple months I finally arrived in Kansas City. I relax, happy to know I finally can stop walking. I find an empty house that I can live in for the time being. It is not the biggest house on the block, but moving has become incredibly easy even since everybody died so I am not worried about it. I can upgrade whenever I want. I wait for her for a couple weeks, but she is slower than me. She asks me if I could keep walking towards her so that we can meet in the middle.

I tell her we had an agreement and she should stick to it.

She tells me she understands but we could meet sooner if I just put in a little more effort

I tell her that the division of labor was equal, we chose a spot that we equidistant from both of us, so I should not have to feel bad about finishing the task sooner than her.

She says she knows it was equidistant, she is just asking if I can be flexible.

I pack up my bags and move back to Idaho.

I have always been lactose intolerant, so I have a lot of diarrhea. And it's a lot of diarrhea. I'll be honest with you, it is not fun at all. It is very... splashy.

But it's worth it. It tastes so good, I can't help myself. And don't even get me started on superpowers. I just wish one of those superpowers could be to always have solid poops and no gas.

I didn't know what was going on at first. When I was a kid, I think the only cheese I ate was Kraft singles and the cheese on pizza, so I didn't realize my powers were cheese-correlated. It wasn't until I had my first brie that I realized I got super strength right after. And then then I had a cube of smoked cheddar and laser beams shot out of my eyes.

It took a while, but I finally got teleportation and that made things infinitely easier. I could now travel internationally and try and cheese I wanted. I got more powerful by the second.

Heroes feared me. I don't really know why. Yes I had an unfathomable amount of superpowers. But the only crime I really committed was stealing different cheeses. And I know that is still a crime, it is still stealing, but I wasn't holding governments hostage. I wasn't murdering children. I was just stealing and eating cheeses. These heroes must have better things to do, right? Maybe the heroes are secretly owned by the cheese corporations. Or cheese lobbyists are putting pressure on politicians to get the heroes to stop me. Is it a conspiracy? Is big cheese in cahoots with the government and the superheroes?

I think more likely they fear what could happen if I get too many powers? Maybe they think I will take the world hostage and there would be nobody to stop me? Which is kinda already true, I'm so powerful that nobody could stop me from doing whatever I want. But I'm not doing anything. I don't want to beat this dead horse into the ground, but my crime is just stealing cheese.

Well, once I was flying and had emergency diarrhea and pooed over a small town. That was gross. Sorry Huntingville.

I look around confused, what does he mean? Get out? The doors are closed how could anybody get out. And besides, everybody just got in, we all have to get somewhere, we aren't just gonna get out right away? What the hell is he-oh SHIT!

People start wailing on Captain America trying to take him down. But Captain America, being Captain America, gets free and starts knocking them all around with his shield. I don't even realize that I am screaming and crying in the corner of the elevator until it has already happened. I try to catch myself and stop but a guy falls over unconscious next to me and I start screaming even louder.

All I wanted to do was resubmit my expense reports. Accounting has been on my ass about this forever, and I finally set up a meeting to get it taken care of. I guess something went wrong? I don't really know, I thought I filed it all correctly, but I filled it out wrong and they wanted to talk to me about it. It sounded serious, I hope they don't think I'm stealing money. It seems like a silly thing to be worried about now. What I should be worried about is my brain getting split in half by that heavy ass shield.

I watch in terror as the last man goes down. He looks at me cowering in the corner. I can tell he is trying to make up his mind. Whether he should kill me or not? I don't know. Why is Captain America fighting SHIELD agents? Is he the bad guy now? Or maybe they are the bad guys? I'm so confused. I wish I didn't cry in front of Captain America, this is humiliating. I also wish I didn't shit my pants in front of him.

He decides to ignore me and pulls open the doors to try and leave. There are more of the agents coming so he decides to jump out of the window instead. Now I just am sitting in the elevator alone with the broken glass and a bunch of unconscious bodies. Everything smells like shit. Next time I am taking the stairs.

The ratio was about 80/20. That is to say the ratio of actors who are playing superheroes to the actual superheroes. The vast majority of the people are people putting on playsuits and playing pretend. I am one of the few in the League of Justice who actually has powers.

It was a big shock really. When I was joining the League, I was kinda confused as to all the secrecy and paperwork that was involved. It was pretty weird, I had to sign an NDA... I mean I guess there were definitely secrets involved in this, people obviously have weaknesses and secret identities and thinks like that. But it just seemed weird the way they were presenting it as official. And it turns out the reason was that they were not hiding weaknesses, they were hiding the fact that it was all big show-business production for the gods.

I can't say that I am not disappointed. Here I was stopping crime and fighting evil on the streets, and I always had this big goal of one day being worthy of joining the League of Justice, and it turns out it is a big jerk off. People playing pretend on ropes in front of greenscreens, shot to make it look like found footage. I always wondered why when I saw a battle in New York on the news, I would go there the next day and it looked brand new. I figured the clean up crew was just amazing.

I thought about exposing the whole thing. Letting the people know that the people they looked up to were all frauds. Lets live in a world where people knew the truth for a change! But then I thought about it... What would actually happen if the league disbanded? The gods would get bored and destroy the Earth... right?

I thought about everything I have done. Stopped guys with knives mugging old ladies. Punched bank robbers as they tryed to run away with giant canvas sacks of cash. What have I never done? Stopped eldritch beings from destroying every living human on the planet. Never done that. I guess these actors might actually be more hero than I am.

Doesn't stop them from being obnoxious narcissists though.

The old generation of vampires rolled their eyes and the young ones. Their virtue signaling as they posted how iron supplements and Vitamin D was just as good on TikTok and you didn't even have to murder people. Ohh-la-la. So woke these young vampires.

And then you had the young vampires. Looking at the older vampires with equal if not more contempt. These old vampires who are so set in their ways. Who value 'tradition' more than they care about adapting and becoming better people and treating the world and society better. You would often hear them talk about how the older generation of vampires would just have to eventually die off and then the world would be more woke as the younger vampires got older. But for how many generations have they been saying that?

The divide between generations has just been getting bigger and bigger. The camps have been getting further and further away and they started living in their own bubbles. Young vampires were not talking to older vampires and nobody was able to work together to find a solution that they could both find. But at the same time, whenever the generations were able to come together and try to understand each other, they found they actually had things in common. They both enjoyed sunsets. They both enjoyed turning into bats. They both got annoyed when they had to floss around their fangs because the fangs would accidentally cut the floss.

Maybe if they just talked to each other and saw the others as equals that were trying to get by in a crazy convoluted world, things could get better. Who knows? I'm not going to be part of that solution though, fuck old vampires, they're pieces of shit. I'm gonna go take my iron supplement and some molly and go to a rave.

That is a good note! Thank you, I will try to keep it in mind for next time!

There was a sprinkle of that in there, I'm glad you caught it :)

Thank you for the kind words!

This genie ruined my life. My wife left me. My kids won't talk to me. All of my money is gone and I am struggling to get by, day-by-day. This was all different before. Before I met the genie I was happy. Before I met the genie I had a beautiful house with a beautiful couch. Now my house is a couch.

I don't know what game this genie is playing. Is it some game where he is supposed to be teaching people "Watch what you wish for?" Or is he just some sadist who liked to make people suffer? Did he just want to teach me a lesson? If so, I never want to be taught a lesson ever again.

Maybe I will never know why the genie tortured me so, but I have been planning my revenge ever since. I closed all the loopholes. I made it airtight. I even got a lawyer to look at it.

When I give the genie the document, he reads through it. There are moments when he looks excited, but they are followed quickly by a furrowing of a brow. Whatever loophole he thinks he will find, I am sure that each furrow is him realizing that I was already three chess moves ahead.

He finishes and stares me down like a motherfucker. But it was my wish and he is contractually obliged to do what I say. So he snaps his fingers and starts convulsing in pain. It is beautiful. I watch it with glee. The hate in my heart swells with pride as I watch the suffering of the one who ruined my life. Vengence is powerful and strong, I don't care what that Spider-Man movie says, this feels great.

I just sit there and watch him. And keep watching. And keep watching. I am immortal afterall, that was one of my wishes that he granted and twisted. I can just keep watching him squirm like a bug forever. Eventually I get bored and start picking the gunk out from underneath my fingernails. Its hard though, its so dirty, and you always miss some, so you keep going back in, but you can never get it quite all and you wonder why you don't just go wash your hands. But at the same time its kinda a fun challenge. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, there's a squirming genie in front of me.

Anyways thousands of years pass. He keeps squirming, and I keep alternating between cleaning the gunk from my nails and watching him. Every so often I go back to my couch to take a nap. I realize that I could have been using the time to better myself and work my way up again so I didn't have to live on a couch in an alley. With this realization I make a big decision. A decision to change everything.

I decide never to go back to the couch again and just enjoy watching this genie squirm until it dies. I didn't make this wish to learn a lesson. I never want to be taught a lesson ever again.

Thank you, much appreciated!

Thank you!

I wonder what happened if I just decided to boycott. What would happen? Would the author of my life just simply stop writing if I decided to lay in bed for the rest of my life? Would the author be able to force me out of bed by just writing about it? Am I enslaved to whatever the author says I have to do?

I decide to try it. I don't want to solve a mystery that has no real world implications, it obviously doesn't matter if I am just a character in a book. I lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling. As I do I begin to wonder... But what if maybe this is part of the author's story. What if he is writing for me to lay in bed and contemplate my existence and if any of it matters? I almost sit up in rebellion, but then think about what if that is the author again, making me realize his plan in an effort to get me out of bed. Nice try author. I'm staying in bed. I don't play by your rules. I'm going to stay in bed and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Your book will not get a third act as I am not going to solve any case for you. Sorry bro. Or sis.

Is this creator a man or woman I wonder? I could probably figure out if you are male or female, I am a famous detective after all. I'm sure there is some evidence that could lead me to learn more about you. But no! I am a retired detective! I am not going to solve any more mysteries, I don't care. I just want to lay in bed and watch YouTube on my phone. You can't do anything to stop me.

I think about the case I left behind. How a dozen children have been lost and may die unless we solve the riddles left behind. I remind myself that the children aren't real. That the kidnapping isn't real. How none of it matters. We are just a story for idiots to read for pleasure. Well I hope you people enjoy a story about a guy laying in bed forever! A story about a guy who let a dozen children die because he had an existential crisis! Let's see if that book ends up selling!

Detective Planter and the Existential Crisis Resulting in a Dozen Dead Children went on to sell 80 million copies worldwide

As I finish the book, I am confused by what I just read. I have to double check the cover a few times to make absolutely sure that I picked up the right book? Could this really be the right book? The draft that I read was a self-help book about how to organize your life and find inner peace through organization. It didn't have any mention of any dragons. And it certainly didn't have any male dragon on male dragon erotica.

I start thinking about what this could mean. Is this her way of saying that she is unsatisfied? Does she want me to dress like a dragon? If she does would I be willing to do it? I don't know, I guess I could.... Sounds like a hell of a costume. Where do I even go for such a thing.

Maybe I am overthinking it. Maybe she doesn't want me to dress up at all. Maybe it is something else. I remember how vividly she described the dragons. How they had length and girth and veins. The monstrosity and power of the size. You know what, never mind. I'm gonna go with that she wants me to dress up as a dragon. Final answer. That is definitely it and nobody is going to change my mind. And if anyone even whispers "male fragility" I swear I will go slap city on you.

Sighing, I realize that the truth is I am just going to have to talk to her. Why would she hide this from me? Why is this a completely different book from what she said she was writing? And why did the one dragon breathe fire up the other dragon's bunghole?

I hear the garage and know that she has arrived.

I approached her with a smile and held the book up signaling that I bought it.

She smiles back but questions why I bought it when I've already read it at home.

I tell her the final draft was significantly different from the version I read.

She tells me the editor probably made a few final edits.

I tell her that she should try opening it up if she hasn't already.

And she does. At first there was confusion. Then shock. Then anger.

She is on the phone with her editor, her publicist, her agent. She is yelling about the smut that ended up in her book. There is confusion all around. Nobody knows how it happened. And the main thing that I think is that I guess I painted my balls green for nothing.

The fireball shoots through the ceiling of his office and into the sky. I smile as it now seems if I have a spotlight over my head from the sun shining through. My smile disappears as a large piece of ceiling falls on my head and leaves me with a large bump.

Still it is nice to see the dumb look on my professor's face. His mouth half-open like an idiot. I think about reminding him to swallow, but I don't and a big glob of drool drops down onto his shoe. I start to wonder what I am going to do next. When I was planning this entrance, this is about as far as I got. Shooting a fireball. Hindsight being 20-20, I guess I should have thought about what my next move would be.

"Professor, would you agree that I... brought the heat?"

Goddamn, why didn't I plan ahead. I should have researched time travel magic instead so that I could wipe that dumb line from existence. I guess it doesn't matter too much. He still looks like he needs someone to press his on button, dumbfounded by my stupendous fireball.

I now realize that I have been sitting hear thinking for a few minutes now while he is dumbfounded. Should I say something else or keep waiting for him to speak? I feel like I should say something else to break the awkward silence, but I fucked up my first line so bad, that I am scared to. But I look at him and realize that he is not going to be the one to speak, so I guess I will just have to wing it.

"Professor, don't worry, I understand that you are a little dumbfounded right now. Don't worry, I know I brought the fire."

Damn, why was I even worried? I nailed it this time.

Finally, he seems to be awakened from his trance and looks at me. "This was very impressive Ronald, but I'm afraid that I am still going to have to fail you."

Outraged, I ask why.

"Because this is an art history class. Sorry, but you are going to have to retake the class next semester."

I shoot a second fireball.

NTA

Honestly, your fiancé sounds like a piece of work. I am not a vampire but I did grow up in a Japanese household and my parents made sure that I was raised with Japanese culture and customs in mind. They ingrained in me the importance of my heritage and that it important for the world to accept not only our culture, but cultures of all countries around the world.

Now I know that Japanese culture and vampiric culture has many differences. For example, we like sushi and you guys like sleeping during the day. But we are similar in the sense that we should be respected for our beliefs.

My fiance hates sushi. But he eats it every day to show his devotion to me. He is happy to gag on the raw fish that he hates to respect my culture. And I am happy to keep feeding it to him and watch him gag. He asked me to watch the World Cup with him because it is important to him and I told him to fuck off as I shoved another piece of salmon in his mouth to shut him up. It honestly is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and I am so happy that I married him.

If your fiancé will not do this for you; will not let you bite her on the neck, will not let you pierce her skin so blood drips down and she screams in pain, will not let you change her entire lifestyle as a show of devotion to you, then you should leave her ass by the curb.

Everything was in shambles, people were hungry and infrastructure was breaking down. They tried to get rid of government completely but it has only brought about ruin and destruction so far.

Yes, King John overtaxed the people and sent them all into poverty. But at least there were systems in place. Now, there were not systems in place. Robin Hood decided that nobody should have to pay taxes to anyone, because they worked hard and deserved to keep what they made from their own hard work.

But now there only turned chaos. Prices were no longer regulated in a way to prevent price gouging. Roads and buildings were falling apart without anybody to put them back together. Mail wasn't being delivered. And there was nobody around to enforce the law anymore. It was like some post apocalyptic world that was aimed at young adults.

Robin Hood decided to put a government back together. He started appointing officials and creating departments in the government to work on these problems. But he was taking them away from their work, so he had to pay them somehow. He had to tax the people. People were willing to at first. To solve the problems that were going on. And of course they trusted Robin Hood, he was the one that saved them from King John. So Robin Hood taxed them. And he took the position of President, solving the problems of society. But as the society grew, so did the government. More departments were formed, and as more departments were formed, the higher taxes became. Robin Hood started to enjoy it in the castle. He became used his big rooms and cozy walls. No longer was he the guy who would sleep out in the wilderness under the stars, but instead a giant bed. He no longer saw the individuals and their sufferings and their problems, but just heard about their problems in meetings. They did not seem as a big of a deal from looking at the pie charts.

Robin Hood continued to raise taxes. He continued to disregard the people. He became King John

"Me? A God?" I laugh as he stares at me with that blank expression.

"I know you are. I can see it. I have seen your strength in gym class."

"I just like to work out."

"And how you know all the answers in classes"

"And I'm smart. Listen, I'm sorry I'm talented but that doesn't make me a god. And I doubt that you are a god either."

He grabs me and then goes off running. It happens so fast that I can barely register, but a few seconds later I am in the middle of a desert. I guess he is a god after all.

He tells me I have this power too, that I just have to unlock it. I am still not buying it. I'm just a regular Joe. If I was a god, I would certainly know it. If I was a God, I certainly wouldn't have pissed the bed until I was 13. But he is convinced, so I start training. I start running as fast as I can, but I never get anything near super human speeds. I mean, I'm still pretty fast, but nothing that anybody on the track team can't beat.

He tries making me throw around giant rocks. He demonstrates by lifting one and then throwing it across the desert. I try to copy him but I cannot lift it at all. I can feel my veins jumping out of my neck. My fingertips are so strained as I try to lift it, but nothing. I can see his disappointment. He looked at me so unexpectedly. He tells me he knows that I am capable of so much. That I could be a powerful god with amazing powers. We just need to figure out how to unlock my powers. He has an idea.

We go to the top of a skyscraper. I look over the edge. Yup. Definitely high up. He tells me to fly. Great. A real do or die scenario, just great. I look over the edge again. I can't do it. There's no way. It is way too far down and I am not even convinced that-

I can't even finish my thoughts because he just pushed me off the edge of the building. Now I am just shocked by the feeling of falling. And then by the feeling of splatting. He looks down at the red mess that used to be my body. I guess he was wrong. I wasn't a god after all. Just a regular ol bedwetter.

I'm listening to them speak and I guess it makes sense. It feels like all these random puzzle pieces of my life are finally starting to make sense. I should have suspected long ago, really. Like how could I not see it. Except for the fact that vampires are supposed to be imaginary.

I ask them questions. Like a lot of questions. They tell me it comes with the onset of puberty. Most kids have to worry about having a "no reason boner" in class. I have to worry about not murdering my classmates via neckbite. Also, no reason boners. Normal puberty also in full effect.

They tell me what to expect. The allergic reactions to garlic and churches will get worse. Stay away from old wooden things because splinters could kill me. The fangs are already setting in, but that's just the beginning. I have to stay away from pollen and dust because if I sneeze I could accidentally turn into a bat. It will get better later but these adolescent years are gonna be hell.

You know, last week I really wished I could have some sort of identity in school. I really wanted people to notice me. But I was kinda just hoping I could learn guitar and join a band. I guess I should watch what I wish for.

Thank you!

I look at him and I look at his wife. My eyes dart back and forth between them rapidly, almost cartoon-like in nature. They both look back at me confused by what must looks like very strange behavior coming from me.

We are at a fancy dinner function. Many veterans were invited honoring some general who did a lot of blowing up enemies. I obviously expected to see a lot of high numbers today. I am used to it, this isn't my first rodeo, and honestly not much surprises me at this point. But this. This surprised me.

It is not too shocking when you see a military man with his kill count at zero. It happens all the time honestly. Maybe they are just stationed at base, maybe they are never in action, and maybe they are just a bad shot. But this guy was a war hero. His count should be higher. And his wife... she is a traditional military wife, hosting parties and taking care of the children. Where did this 200 come from?

I start talking to this guy, asking him all sorts of questions. Trying to be subtle but really digging for information at the same time. I ask about his medals, why he is considered a war hero. "Everybody is talking about it and telling me about how brave you are." Flattery and things of that nature.

But he is coy. He doesn't give. He says he saved a lot of his brothers on the field. Okay, so maybe he is a hero because he saved people, not because he killed people. This is possible... But it still doesn't explain the 200 over his wife.

I do notice immediately that they are the same height. And that their physiques are honestly not too different all things considered. She is not particularly curvy, and he is not particularly muscular himself. Is it possible? Could they have? But even if they did, then why?

I ask her a bunch of questions now. How does it feel to be married to a hero? Again, buttering her up. Things of that nature. She remains coy as well. I cannot get anything that I can really use to figure out this mystery. I decide to give up. What ever their secret is, I am not going to figure it out.

I soon start drinking and forget all about it and just start having fun. Every so often I will see that 200 and wonder, but I let it go. I've been drinking so much I finally have to go take a piss. I excuse myself from some military guy's boring story and beeline towards the restroom.

At the urinal, Mr. 0 Kills comes up next to me. We do an awkward greeting. The kind you can only do while you have to acknowledge you know the other person but your hand is on your wiener. As I wash my hands and then leave, he blocks the door. I laugh uncertainly, thinking this might be some weird joke. But as I try to move past him, he blocks me again. From one of the bathroom stalls out comes his wife in her dress. Oh, and she's pointing a gun at my face. Not cool.

Now it is their turn to start grilling me. Why I was asking so many questions. Why I was so curious about their lives. I try to answer their questions without giving away the fact that I had this weird power. I can tell they don't buy it. My eyes dart around so I lunge for her gun in a last-ditch attempt to get out of the situation but slip on a puddle because someone pissed all over the floor. I look up at the ceiling. I hear three loud bangs.

The last thing I see is a large 201.