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“Babe! It’s starting!” I plopped down on the couch as my wife rushed into the room. It was Sunday, and our weekly tradition was about to begin.

“Good evening,” a sweet baritone voice rang out from the TV. “I’m Bill Owens, and tonight we have a special historical edition of 60 Minutes.”

“A historical edition?!” my wife giggled with glee.

“Shhh! I can’t hear Bill.” I shot back.

Bill Owens took a seat in that famous chair and stared directly into the camera, “Murder. A secret society. War. Sex. Cake…” He paused for dramatic effect. “The Cake Wars of the 1700s plunged Europe into chaos…”

My wife interjected, “Did he say cake?”

“Shh!”

“… A young queen, torn down in her prime; the architect. Despite her impending death, her words activated the Red Velvets. A secret society of bakers, sworn to overthrow the stability of Europe. Their sweet tidings were anything but, as Europe was plunged into a new dark age.”

Bill took a deep breath and shuddered, “That’s right. Marie Antoinette, the infamous Queen of France, was responsible for the deaths of millions. The Red Velvets activated by her words many loathe to repeat…”

Bill stood up from the chair and looked into the camera, “… Let them eat cake. Tonight, on 60 minutes.”

My wife’s eyes widened, “Woah.”

I nodded, “Crazy right? I told you it would be a good one. Pass the popcorn.”

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They say the Atlassian Rum Cake was the one that started it all. A cake with alcohol content so high that even a hardcore drunk would think twice before touching the stuff. It was baked in Montenegro by the baker named Davor. It was supposed to be a christmas cake -- baked as a gift to the baker Petar who was the only baker in town that gave Davor some competition. When the Atlassian Rum Cake arrived at Petar's bakery it was received by his mother Anastasija. Anastasija was short, fat, and had a sweet tooth. She couldn't resist the allure of the cake and ate it. When Petar returned to the bakery, his mother was no more. Anastasija's liver couldn't keep up with the toxicity of the cake.

Petar would outdo Davor and create a cake infused with mustard gas, but it's impact would reach far and wide. While Petar did achieve his goal of taking Davor's life, the mustard gas infused cake was confiscated by the government and the baker arrested. This would, however, turn out to be a fake arrest. The baker -- Petar -- was in fact employed by the government to bake cakes which could be used for assassinations.

Davor's Atlassian Rum Cake was not as lethal as the mustard gas cake, but it's recipe was far simpler and out of the government's reach. Terrorist bakers used the Atlassian Rum Cake in a major incident at the G20 summit where a terrorist organization affiliated caterer whose connections to the said organization were unknown to the secret services mixed in the rum cake with the refreshments resulting in the death of six major world leaders.

Dirty cakes were used in war. Dictators used them to squash revolutions. Cakes became the new battleground.

Soon people stopped consuming cakes and resisted eating any baked items. To eat a cake in this day and age is like playing russian roulette.

Year 4000

Cake. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of it? Delicious, isn't it?

But should it?

You must thinking why is this author talking about cake all of a sudden. Dear viewers, put away your cakes before strapping in for tonight episode "Cake Wars," a show that sounds like a bake off but is actually a divine tragedy that took over a billion lives.

The year was 2020, the world was fighting something new, something unknown, the Corona virus. But unbeknownst to all another threat loomed ahead of the world. Cake.

First used as a weapon of destruction by a Country X to end cold war and start an actual war. A meagre cake. Yes, you heard it right. Just a small dose of poison and a sweet treat and an offer of peace turned into a horn of war.

It has been debated if that cake was exchanged and that the real cake was infact thrown away and the poisoned cake was used by Country X's opposition to start the war they desperately wanted but all this speculation bear no fruit as their has been little to no proof.

Soon, the world of dessert was the weapon of choice. It was easy. The recipies that could be tinkered with 90% success rate and virtually untraceable.

The horrors of war is the one thing that kept it from being funny. It wasn't Country Y dropped a cupcake bomb on Country A that every single thing resembling cake was banned. It's design, the dessert everything.

Poor bakers could not raise their voices because cake was the new weapon. And for almost half a century war raged on and cake remained banned.

It wasn't until peace was established in 2050 that the ban on cake was lifted. It took even longer for people to start trusting it again. In fact, Red Velvet cake, once a crowd favorite, was considered bad. Even now people are afraid to buy it because they think that the red colour comes from the blood of the innocents from the war.

Peace has resigned for centuries now and to think it could be broken by just another supposedly inconsequential thing like cake is truly scary.

On the next episode of That Happened we'll dive into the world of Oyster armies raging war on the found city of Atlantis.

I know where you got this idea.

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I enjoyed this very much.

(And had the desire to read it out loud)

Thanks! I hope you gave the characters different voices!

Oh, I will!

My head canon is that the names of the country's have been redacted by the network.

It began with the Swiss of all people, when the Swiss ambassador presented the Prime Minister of Canada a Pumpkin Creme Swiss Roll cake. But it had a secret ingredient: Compound SCRaNCl-35, a poison so deadly that it kills in seconds following ingestion.

From there the Cake Wars began, as the world was plunged into chaos. Then Latin American countries formed the Tres Leches Alliance and assisted the US and Canada's Red Velveteers push back European forces. The richness of the tres leches hid more of the compound and was even mixed with many illicit compounds to expedite death.

In Europe, France and Germany were surrounded on all sides, their fragile alliegiance close to shattering when the tea and sponge cakes came from England. Trained pidgeons brought the safe consumption to French and German citizens while cake bombers released the deadly ones on their enemies.

In 2068, most countries had a ban on baking if the baker was not in the employ of the government. The war lasted for many centuries yet to come, ending on March 14, 2389. When world leaders sat together to make peace and eat cake.

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I want this, but for Storage Wars. :D

Banana Wars spin-off

Red Velvets... the secret society of bakers... Marie Antoinette... help me oh my gosh. I loved it! Thank you for writing.

CAKE WARS: A DIVINE TRAGEDY.

CAKE BANNINGS.

I loved this, thank you!

I want a poisonous illicit tres leche to expedite my death now... that sounds delicious.

Thank you.

I'm screaming... not the alcoholic cake and then the mustard gas cake... the commissioned cake assassination... THE RUM CAKE BEING A TERRORIST WEAPON. Ahaha I loved it!

I'm glad you enjoyed it :)