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AndreasBlaustein93 t1_j22upcc wrote

"To be fair, my lord, the dragon did slay."

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"SO WHAT?!" said the king, frothing at the mouth. His drool dropped down on the floor in front of the wooden throne where he was sitting.

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"Well, there was slaying taking place. Maybe not of the sort you imagined, but it did occur."

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"The fuck is this? Fab 5?!" said the king.

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"No, but if it was they would agree with me. And believe me, this dragon did NOT need a make over of any kind so I don't even see why the Fab 5 would be here."

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"Heeeeey queen!" a voice said. It came from the entrance to the king's hall. Both the knight and the king looked at the entrance. A man with long hair and a skirt had opened the doors to the hall and he was catwalking towards the king and the knight. His hair was flowing in the wind, even though there was no wind. He was followed by four men, all catwalking. A thumping music filled the giant hall of the king. "All things, all things, all things just keep getting better" somebody was singing. It was not the five men singing it. The sining voice and the music seemed to seep into the hall from the very stone in holding the walls and ceiling up. Suddenly the men stopped in front of the king and the knight holding his human-dragon baby. The music and the singing stopped too."We're here to make the knight ready for the night," said the man with the long hair. All the men cheered. One of them walked up to the baby. He had a wide brimmed hat and glasses.

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"O.M.G., so cuuute," he said. He held out his finger and let the baby hold it. "Hi, my name is Karamo," the man said.

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"Who are you?!" said the king, standing up.

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"We're the Fab 5, of course!" said the man with the long hair. "I'm Jonathan, that's Karamo who's saying hello to the baby, that's Anthony, that's Bobby, that's Tan. You called our names and here we are!"

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"You said something about my knight earlier?"

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"Yas queen!"

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"I'm no queen! How dare you mistake me for the weaker sex?"

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"Oh my god, feminism much?" said Jonathan.

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The dragon-human baby burped and accidentally burned Karamo's finger off. "Oh my god, guys, look" Karamo said as he held up the charred stump where his index finger used to be. "The baby totally burned my finger off!"

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The Fab 5 all awwed at the baby and the stump.

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"That baby is an abomination! It must be slaughtered, like a pig! And you, Fab 5, I shall give you the mercy of not killing you - if you leave IMMEDIATELY. We do not want cross-dressing men here!"

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"Queens, should we get rid of him so that we can focus Sir Knight here?" said Bobby.

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"Yaas, let's go!" said Tan.

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Anthony snapped his fingers and the king exploded in a cloud of red, blue and green glitter.

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"So," said Karamo, "We're here to help you with a make over. Can we talk to you?"

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"Yeah, sure!" said the knight.

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They all sat down in a circle on the floor. The human-dragon baby was passed around and cuddled with by all the Fab 5.

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"It must be hard working for that king," said Karamo.

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"Yes. He always ordered me to kill a bunch of dragons. I did it the first time. But it hurt me so bad and it still haunts me today. I really need help etting over that because it was a dark period of my life. It did'y get better until I got this little fella," he said and pointed at his baby that Tan was currently holding and playing with.

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"And what about food? Do you cook?" said Anthony.

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"No, not really. I never have time. I'm always off to war and stuff."

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"If you're always off to war, do you, like, never wear fancy clothes?" said Tan.

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"Never. I'm always in this armour. I never feel happy or sexy in it.

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"Can you take off you helmet so I can see your hair?" said Jonathan.

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The knight took off his helmet and his greasy hair fell down to his shoulders. Jonathan started touching it.

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"So what does your house look like?" said Bobby.

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"I have no house. I live in the military quarters with a bunch of men."

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"Woooooo!" said the Fab 5 simultaneously.

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"No, not like that guys," said he knight. "I do have my love and she's a dragon."

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"Sure she is! She's got to be HOT!" said Tan.

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"Absolutely!" said the knight. "Just ask Karamo!"

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Karamo held up his charred finger and they all laughed. Karamo later got sick because the finger wound was infected. They all ended up at the medieval ER where they all got infected by all sorts of diseases. Then they all died.

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PS! Thanks to Affectionate_Bit_722 for the funny prompt!

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aevana t1_j22uzfn wrote

Bro I- bro... I'm too high for this shit. XD

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WanderToWhere t1_j2322qy wrote

this is so campy but i legitimately want to read a book like this WOW i enjoyed that

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LoveandScience t1_j23gtqa wrote

Please note I mean this as positively as possible but what the fuck

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AndreasBlaustein93 t1_j240kc6 wrote

You know what? I actually agree with this. I promise I can write a bit more normally though. Just a bit

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sussy_femboy t1_j23c5sx wrote

what the hell is that ending. it reads like teen fanfiction

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P0werPuppy t1_j23jnyc wrote

Jesus Christ. This just got more ridiculous as it went on.

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photoshopper42 t1_j2339bi wrote

The knight looked down at his child. What was he going to do now? It came from his loins afterall, he did not want to kill it. Even if it did singe the knight's eyebrows with it's fire breathe.

The king was livid. He wanted less dragons in his kingdom, and this was the opposite. This was more dragons. Maybe not a lot more, in fact only half of one more, but that is still the opposite direction from where he was going.

The knight wanted to keep his son, but also knew that if he did not obey the king, it was very likely that he and the baby would both be killed. He figured he would try to reason with the king, who he thought might come to understand his position. Unfortunately kings, by nature of being kings, tend not to be understanding. Something about holding omnipotence over a kingdom does not help empathy. Who would have thought?

The knight laid how his reasoning. How he misunderstood the assignment, but this is where they now were. It was nobody's fault, it was just a miscommunication. How this was now the knight's family and could not murder a member of his own family, even if it did have little wings. He begged the king to try to see this, and told the king that perhaps there was even a way to use the child, maybe learn more about dragon's and find their weaknesses.

The king thought about this for a while, and finally after much contemplation decided to keep the weird dragon child alive. The knight celebrated. He thanked the king. He groveled and kissed the king's shoes. Finally the king asked the question that everybody was thinking. How did the knight do it?

The knight answered. "With a lot of lube."

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QueerDefiance12 t1_j23iby0 wrote

This is just the D&D Horny Bard.

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re_error t1_j23izf7 wrote

Dnd character idea: a bard who's looking for treasures in order to provide a hoard for his quickly growing half dragon offspring.

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