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moinatx t1_j56fr83 wrote

Reply to comment by OldBayJ in [OT] Poetry Corner: Chasing Dreams! by OldBayJ 

When a pessimist dares to dream

I am looking at the world through unfamiliar eyes
My legs don't feel like mine
My thoughts don't sound like me
I keep swimming toward a vision though I'm no visionary

Outside my conscious head
Within my waking heart 
Nothing is what it seems.
Unrooted and drifting.
in this restless ocean
of long-deferred dreams.

I've risked it all before.
I've lost it all before.
Dreams don't come with proof;
Do I dare sacrifice
My cynic's safe harbor,
my cautious, careful truth?

So late to try again.
So old to dream again.
I declare myself maker
with canvas, paint, and brush
Painter! Risk-taker!

Waves of uncertainty
Waves of audacity
I sink, yet I will
emerge optimistic.
Going under in hope,
Drowning, I grow gills.

I am looking at myself through unfamiliar eyes.
My feet don't move like mine
My words don't sound like me
Could drowning in dreams mean I'm becoming a visionary?

*bonus constraint words: Sacrifice and emerge
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Tomorrow_Is_Today1 t1_j60ok3u wrote

Awesome poem, moinatx! It has such a nice flow to it and I love how you tied together the beginning and ending.

Both the sounds and the story flow nicely from start to finish, so the bits of crit I have are particular lines. For "Going under hoping", I was a bit confused at first until I thought maybe it was "Going under" as in sinking and the "hoping" comes after. If that's correct, I wonder if maybe putting a comma after "Going under" could make that clearer.

There was also a typo in "Drowing, I grow gills."

Good words!

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moinatx t1_j60pawg wrote

Hey, thanks for reading and also thanks for the crititicism.

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