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You did the right thing in telling him. He can now be a better support since he's in the loop of what's going on.

>I feel like i have to support my bf too and make sure i am “happy” even if i am not on the inside when i do see him again

That's just being in a relationship. You support each other.

Stay in therapy. You seem like you're suffering from clinical depression. Stay safe, OP.

You should support him.

You should NOT support him by being "happy". That's a really shitty idea.

If you put on a happy face and pretend, that'll make you feel isolated, lonely and perhaps more suicidal.

You don't want that, and he definitely doesn't want that. You deserve love, you deserve to feel seen and heard. You don't deserve to have to deal with your mental problems yourself.

Don't punish yourself for being open with him, that was super fucking brave of you.

Personally, even though the age difference is only 10 years, this man is grooming you. I don’t believe on your own that you want to have other partners I think you want to fall in love and be with the person you love. And I think some of your distress is because he is pushing you so that he can cheat when he’s gone and make it legal so you have to deal with it. You need to get out of this relationship. Your suicidal thoughts though probably have origins in other things previously are due to stress of living in a way you don’t really want to live. And I’m not sure if you’re even aware of it.