I (M34) married a black void of negativity (F35) and I need help pulling him out of it

Submitted by ThrowRAOpenIn8306 t3_11ejxj8 in relationship_advice

We're together 5 years, married 1 year. I know I married a massive grump but with a kid on the way, I'm afraid he can't pull himself out of it on his own. It definitely affects my own mood and is often very embarrassing when done in public.

His mood gets killed by every little rude encounter he has, e.g. when someone pushes in front of him at the supermarket.

On the sidewalk he expects people to get out of his way quick and gets snarly if they don't. He's not even confrontational at all, just huffing an puffing all the time.

When he returns home from work and I ask him how his day was, it was usually "annoying", "stressful", and his co-workers suck. I have an open ear but he spends the evening just being moody about it.

Thing is except some encounters he can seem extremely well-mannered, but so many things take him over the edge. And since I'm his partner, he takes his whole mood home to me.

Confronting him about it he says I'm the one in a bad mood, that he didn't notice, or that he wants to "show" people how rude they are and not "let them get away with it." Note that this entails him huffing and puffing and complaining about it to me.

Couple years ago waiting in line at a bar he felt slighted by some middle-aged women and threw nasty slurs at them under his breath, which they heard and one women later confronted him about with me at the table. I was very clear that this was almost a moment I broke up with him and I think he understood and regretted it. But smaller things like this still happen all the time... Everyone's an idiot out to get him.

I though about books on stoicism - when you can't change your environment, change how you deal with it etc. Have you guys pulled yourself out of such things? Any way to name/pathologise his behaviour and get some starting points for help?

There are no therapy spots where we live and no online counseling.

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SalamanderPop t1_jaek3jg wrote

This guy sounds like me in my 30s. I was awful and I hurt my wife and children with my anxiety and the hair trigger that came along with it. I can't put into words the amount of regret I carry with me and, with that, this incredible sense of loss because I wasnt the person my family needed and deserved.

Your man needs therapy from a licensed therapist. The best YOU can do is stop caretaking him, if you are doing it, and end any other behavior that enables him to not experience the consequences of his shitty behavior including the consequence of you not wanting to be around him.

One tactic here is to find a couples therapist and book an appointment, since telling him "you need therapy" likely isn't going to go over well. Ultimately start with couples counseling and the therapist will hone in on all the ugly bits in your relationship all on their own and help guide. If you book it and tell him lovingly and out of worry about your relationship and all that, and he doesn't attend, go by yourself anyway. They will be able to help you navigate this one better than us strangers on reddit.

On behalf of a former anxiety filled, hair triggered, inexcusable and irredeemable asshole, I'm so very sorry. I hope for the both of you that y'all find your way. Together or, if necessary, apart. As long as happiness is at the end of it.

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ThrowRAOpenIn8306 OP t1_jaelj24 wrote

Man that's the type of reply I was looking for, not to confirm my feelings, just from someone who dealt with it and came out the other end. He does indeed struggle with anxiety and the occasional panic attacks. I never truly put it together that it translate into such erratic behaviour. He's trying to get off his meds too with his doctor but I feel that guy is downplaying quite some symptoms.

Therapy spots are extremely hard to come by here, we actually already talked about it last time he had a panic attack. I will just slightly nudge a bit more to at least start looking together. There is some urgency since we have our first kid on the way and I want him to go into it with a bit more focused mindset. Thanks a lot for comment.

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SalamanderPop t1_jaeq4vh wrote

I would bet that his anxiety, panic attacks, and behavior is tightly linked together. I think seeking marriage counseling as soon as possible with that kid on the way, is super important.

What woke me up, after a rocky point in our marriage, was my wife telling me she was leaving me. The consequences of my own actions hitting me so squarely that it was like an instant overwhelming epiphany of what I had done.

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stellastellamaris t1_jaek8k7 wrote

>We're together 5 years, married 1 year. I know I married a massive grump but with a kid on the way, I'm afraid he can't pull himself out of it on his own.

What you describe is way beyond someone being grumpy. And it isn't something you can fix.

He "felt slighted" waiting in line at a bar and "threw nasty slurs" under his breath, which they heard??

And "Everyone's an idiot out to get him"?????

I do not think books on stoicism are the answer.

>There are no therapy spots where we live and no online counseling.

Why is online counselling not an option?

ETA: In a comment you say you live in a "huge city" - there are no therapists there? (Or do you live in a place where therapy is not common?) In any case, online therapy is available from all over the world.

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ObiWanCanShowMe t1_jaegpz3 wrote

He's not happy with his life or his situation.

He either needs a full change (job) or needs therapy and I say that as someone who thinks therapy is a crapshoot.

That said, you pulled up an incident from a few years ago. That seems ... odd. A one off isn't an indicated of a black hole. His coworkers could suck. They could be making him miserable.

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ThrowRAOpenIn8306 OP t1_jaehg4z wrote

Yeah I understand it could read like I'm resentful but he still does it, not as crass, but practically to everyone he feels slighted about. Under his breath and sometimes quite nasty.

He definitely hates his job, I'm trying to be supportive, but he was the same when he has a couple months of paid redundancy, it's constant. That's why I thought about getting him into stoicism etc.

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ObiWanCanShowMe t1_jaeic9j wrote

>stoicism

That's can be a powder keg. Some people are not compatible with stoicism.

I do not know either of you or your situation, so my advice is suspect, but IMO he needs a change of some sort. How are you at helping the situation? Do you ignore, point it out, yell or demean, are you agreeing/enabling with him? How does that dynamic work?

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Polikonomist t1_jaegten wrote

When he's in a relatively better mood, suggest doing meditation together. If done consistently, it will improve his mood and help him be more deliberate about what he focuses on. This will allow him to choose to focus on more positive things.

Find a regular time you can both do it every day even if it's only 5 minutes at first. You don't need to be good at totally blanking out your mind, just constantly bringing the focus back to your breath is enough to get the benefits.

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