My (26f) relationship with my fiance (24m) has always felt like friendship

Submitted by ThrowRAMaybePlatonic t3_127klg6 in relationship_advice

We "officially" got engaged a week ago. We've only been together for 6 months. Since then, I realized that maybe this isn't a good idea - but first with some backstory.

When we met, we were immediately drawn to each other. We started dating within a week. We both had the feeling that we were at home when we were together. We both often talked about how safe and secure we feel with eachother.

He is has a secure attachment type. I'm getting better (through lots of therapy) but I originally have a fearful-avoidant attachment type. I'm not sure if this is what's causing me to feel this way.

I used to be addicted to the turbulent push/pull of a dysfunctional relationship. Feeling pursued when I pulled away, chasing when I wanted more. As emotionally taxing as these relationships were, the high of feeling "in love" when we came back together is what I craved.

Now, with my current relationship, it's always been steady. Because of this, there's no emotional high of coming together, it's just kind of .. neutral. My therapist told me that this is what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like.

But I don't feel like I'm in love. I see my man and my heart doesn't pound. I don't get a thrill when he winks at me from across the room. Instead, I feel like I'm playing around with my best friend. I'm not obsessed with him as I have been before with exes that I've always known wouldn't last. I feel like he's my best friend but I'm not in love. As far as I know.

As for the engagement - we both talked about marriage and future goals/hopes/dreams/parenting/values/needs/etc. and we have the same / similar views on all of these important things. I have no doubt that we would have a happy and secure future together.

But can a relationship like this last if I'm feeling like there's no actual spark? (Sex is fine - but it doesn't happen spontaneously. Every night when we go to bed but it seems that neither of us want to pounce on eachother during the day.)

I guess I don't know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look/feel like and I'm a little unsure if this is "it" or not.

Yes I am holding off on wedding planning until I figure this out.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

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CuckooPint t1_jeeir32 wrote

Look, as someone who considers my husband to be my best friend, let me tell you what true love is.

True love is not a turbulent whirlwind of excitement and adrenaline. True love has the same vibe of sitting cuddled up in a warm cosy cabin with a fire burning in the hearth and snow gently falling outside the window. It's not meant to be a rush of excitement. It's meant to be comfortable. My relationship with my husband is exactly that. Warm and comfortable and relaxing and gentle and safe. It's not about always wanting to jump into bed with each other. It's wanting to always be side by side. To hold each other. To respect each other. To be forever comfortable and warm in each other's presences.

The "high" of being constantly wild and turbulent is not true love. It's lust/infatuation. It's being obsessed with the idea of a person (or the perfect image you have of that person when they aren't showing their flaws), not actually bonding with them as a soulmate.

But, that said,

It's only been six months. Now is NOT the time to get married.

You need to spend longer together, to truly know each other and your relationship. Because yes, sometimes things will fizzle out, or you will notice flaws that weren't present during the honeymoon period.

And what I will say is this: you personally need more time to learn what a healthy relationship feels like. It's not a good idea to immediately latch on to the first person you have found a healthy relationship with just because you're finally in a place of emotional safety.

I am not saying break up. I am saying do give your relationship a chance, but put off things like marriage or major commitments until you know you're ready and that your partner really is the one, and that you're not just clinging to him because he's the only person who's ever provided a healthy safe relationship for you.

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ThrowRAMaybePlatonic OP t1_jeej8h7 wrote

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I am painfully aware that I'm not ready for marriage yet. I'm not going to rush anything and I know that my man won't rush me either. We do need to spend more time together - and I do need to know what a healthy relationship feels like. Like you said. Thank you.

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HatsAndTopcoats t1_jeehig8 wrote

You shouldn't get engaged to anyone after only six months in, even if your sparks are so big they're catching the roof on fire.

You also shouldn't get engaged if you're not truly.happy with the way the relationship makes you feel and you're eager to feel that way forever.

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YourRAResource t1_jeejdcv wrote

First, I can't go so far as to say this is a healthy relationship. Is it better than your past of dysfunctional relationships? Sure. But you're sort of ignoring the fact that this relationship is dysfunctional.

You've been together for six months and are already engaged. Why? Even if we don't sit here and make an argument that this is entirely rushed, look at the entire premise of this post; you don't feel like you're in love with your partner. If that's the case, why would you agree to enter into a legal relationship with him?

You list out some very important attributes as it relates to compatibility. That's great. But you can't sit here and say that you have no doubt you'd have a happy and secure future together when you're again, literally here questioning whether you're in love. That's not someone who's secure in their relationship.

I'm happy that you're at least holding off on wedding planning until you figure this out. To address the situation around the "spark," what I'm struggling with here is how you define it. To me (I'm a guy and I'm happily married for context), the "spark" is working together as a team to remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place. You don't need to be doing new and exciting things 24/7, but it can't never be happening either.

You see the spark as an obsession. Obsession is unhealthy. You should never need someone; you should want someone. But there's a difference between just not being obsessed with someone compared to feeling generally apathetic about the person. It feels like the latter for you, and if that's the case, why would you be in a relationship with them, let alone be considering marriage?

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ThrowRAMaybePlatonic OP t1_jeeyj8w wrote

Mmm, thank you for your comment.

In his culture, it's pretty standard to get engaged quickly if those values of compatibility I mentioned in the post align. In my North American culture, it's different. We had another conversation about it since and he's willing to wait.

As for the obsession aspect - I want to be with him all the time. I think that's a part of me that I need to unlearn in what my understanding is of a healthy relationship. You're right though - it is dysfunctional in the fact that I'm a bit unsure about what a healthy relationship looks like.

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pineboxwaiting t1_jeej1fe wrote

You’ve only been together 6 months. You should be delaying wedding planning for about a year and a half. You don’t even know each other.

No sparks isn’t “normal,” nor is the lack of desire to rip each other’s clothes off. That doesn’t mean that either of those things are absolutely necessary to a happy relationship.

You need to be together for a lot longer to figure out if what you have is sustainable.

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ThrowRAMaybePlatonic OP t1_jeejrfu wrote

Thank you, yes I will give this a chance and work on reprogramming my idea of what a healthy relationship is with my therapist

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SecretHoliday1752 t1_jeemksw wrote

Why exactly did you get engaged if you aren’t sure that you’re in love?

6 months is already not a super long time to get to know a boyfriend, much less a life partner. Why not just stay boyfriend and girlfriend while your relationship develops is you’re already not feeling just …..eh, and not exactly sure if things will last ?

Could you explain a bit more what the reason for was for an engagement at this moment ? Besides you having similar values ?

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ThrowRAMaybePlatonic OP t1_jeexob2 wrote

Mmmm, well it's more of a cultural thing I think. I'm from North America, he's from East Asia. In the area we live in now, it's pretty standard that people get engaged quickly. I've told him about my customs in my home country, and he's willing to wait it out as long as we need - I did tell him I needed more time until we get married.

My therapist has reassured me that this relationship is GOOD for me, and that it will take time to learn what love is supposed to feel like, as opposed to lust - as other commenters have pointed out. I didn't want to turn down the proposal and make him think that I was rejecting him - but we did have a conversation afterwards.

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facinationstreet t1_jefcjpr wrote

We "officially" got engaged a week ago.

We've only been together for 6 months.

Since then, I realized that maybe this isn't a good idea

I would be less worried about there being a spark and more worried that you think getting engaged at the 6 month mark to a 24 yr old that you barely know isn't the red flag you should be concerned about. Please do hold off on wedding planning.

If there is no spark, why did you get engaged? If you are unsure how to have a healthy relationship, wouldn't it be prudent to work on recognizing healthy and unhealthy dynamics within a relationship vs. (apparently) believing that whatever relationship you are in is THE relationship? It is called dating for a reason. You date, you figure out what you're looking for in a partner, what is totally unacceptable, what your goals are, what your relationship goals are, etc.

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