I (26f) haven't had sex with my fiancé (27m) for longer than I can remember

Submitted by 8vox8 t3_127m0at in relationship_advice

So, our intimacy is a struggle. And it's all on my end. He's very sexually attracted to me and wants to be intimate daily, however I just have little to no interest anymore. We've been together about three and a half years. For the first year and a half things were great, couldn't get enough of each other. But I've slowly become less into it and more anxious about everything. I've gone through thinking it was a mental health issue, a physical issue and now I'm wondering if I'm just not feeling that attraction anymore. I think he's an attractive person I just don't want to engage sexually with him. The more he asks me about it the less I want to do it because I just feel guilty and broken for not being intimate like a "normal couple". For context we don't go on dates, don't really go out, he isn't really interested in doing anything like that. Anytime I suggest something (even just going for a walk) he's just not into it at all. He does lovely things for me sometimes but also falls flat for things like my birthday, when I got a promotion, valentines etc which leave me feeling quite dismissed/not thought of. For example my birthday present was something I picked out, we don't do valentine's, there was no celebration or anything when I got a promotion I worked really hard for. Whereas I feel that I really try to do thoughtful things for him, I put effort in to his presents, celebrating his achievements etc. I'm responsible for our home/bills/cleaning etc and I work part time . He also works part time but gets paid better than I do so I do more of the home stuff. I just never thought I was massively into being romanced but I think the stagnation of our daily lives, stresses and not spending time as a couple outside of our home has just worn me down. I have sexual urges and thoughts but no desire to act on them. I'm just not sure what to do, is it a lost cause or can it be worked on? Any advice is appreciated, thank you

Edit to add, I really do love him and he's a wonderful man, just this area of our relationship is lacking and it takes a toll almost daily. He's my best friend, makes me laugh and feel safe, I'm not slating him at all this is just how I feel about our intimate life in particular.

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YourRAResource t1_jeepk8k wrote

The hard truth is that it's more than likely a lost cause given the fact that you have a three and a half year sample size where nothing has ever changed. As such, you have no reason to believe it's ever going to. I'd say to sit down and talk about it, but it seems you have and always get dismissed.

That begs the question as to why you'd have agreed to enter into a legal relationship with him knowing all of this. Marriage isn't going to change anything. The relationship you have now is the same relationship you're going to have after signing a piece of paper.

Now, I realize I'm being very matter of fact here, but for context, I'm a guy and I'm happily married. I tell you this so that you understand I'm not being negative for the sake of being negative. I'm not at all anti-marriage. I love love and I wish you nothing but the absolute best.

To keep it simple, the two of you are fundamentally incompatible. Your sex life is honestly an afterthought in the big picture here. You've lost interest in having sex with him, because you're overall unhappy with him. Even if you started having more sex, that wouldn't change the fact that the other problems still exist. You're not being unreasonable to want intimacy in your romantic relationship, and that's beyond sex. It just simply doesn't exist here. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life?

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8vox8 OP t1_jeeq0n2 wrote

I appreciate the honesty and perspective. It's just so difficult because he is a wonderful person, I really do love him and want him to be happy. He always says he would be lost without me and I just can't imagine ever hurting him. But I'm not sure that I am happy, I'm not sure that I want this and I'm not sure this is right for me. It breaks my heart but I don't want to hurt him. I want it to work so so badly but I'm not sure what else I can do

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jeeod4m wrote

Well for sure don’t marry him. Seems like this isn’t a good fit. You could try therapy, talk to your doctor, etc but this doesn’t sound like it’s “just” a libido thing. Not that sexual incompatibility isn’t important—it is—I mean that it seems like the whole package is problematic and not meeting your needs.

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Creative_Recover t1_jeeqeu0 wrote

It doesn't sound like your fiance values you very much (or is even that into you) and that you love him an awful lot more than he does you. If your fiance will not put any effort into either your sex life or broader things in the relationship, then nothing you do will change anything. I would seriously consider calling off the wedding because once he is married that will make him even less incentivised to change.

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8vox8 OP t1_jeeqvmm wrote

He does value me, there's a lot more to it than just the intimate side, I know he loves me and if anything that makes it harder because he always says he'd be lost without me, loves me more than anything, can't see a life without me etc. I know he loves me I just don't think he shows it in the same ways I do

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Creative_Recover t1_jees4nc wrote

Actions speak louder than words. Getting comfortable and codependent in a relationship is not the same thing as really valuing another.

"I just don't think he shows it in the same ways I do"- Like what ways exactly? Bceause it sounds like he doesn't show it in almost any ways at all.

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8vox8 OP t1_jeeticn wrote

He tells me he loves me, he couldn't be without me, works hard to support us financially, he's protective, idk what ways is he supposed to?

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Creative_Recover t1_jeeuq5a wrote

"What ways is he supposed to?"- for example putting any effort into your sex life, gift giving, going out together and caring about important things going on in your life (Etc). As a couple you should be putting in equal efforts for each other.

Telling someone you love them is easy. And I'm pretty sure that even if you weren't together, he would still work hard at his job.

"Protective"- In what ways is he protective? Caring about your partner is a super basic requirement.

Look, people can get comfortable and lazy in relationships. You feel dismissed and unsatisfied because you have good reasons to. But any suggestion from people here that your partner might be at fault of this and you get immediately defensive about him. It sounds like you don't want to deal with the source of the problems where they actually lie and are just trying to blame/rationalize yourself into accepting these negative feelings as your own fault and responsibility.

If your partner won't put in effort (and you won't address your partners lack of effort), then there is no hope of anything getting better.

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8vox8 OP t1_jeevj49 wrote

I just really care about him and don't want to hurt him

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Creative_Recover t1_jeewoxq wrote

Bringing up these issues shouldn't be hurtful to him. And if he really loves you, it will matter a lot for him to discover that he has been making you feel so dismissed (and he will want to do something about it).

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8vox8 OP t1_jeewz6k wrote

I've tried to discuss these things with him in the past but nothing really changes and I'm tired of saying the same things over and over y'know

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Creative_Recover t1_jeexcdy wrote

Then why are you so admantly convinced that he cares about you as much as you do him?

I think you need to face up to the fact here that you are very poor at forming boundaries and that your partner simply isn't that invested in your relationship. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you as much as you do them.

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