Withholding sex in a situationship/relationship - bad thing or not? F26 & M25

Submitted by MoonchildEm96 t3_1280kw1 in relationship_advice

I’ve been seeing a guy for around 2 months now.

With hindsight; I made a mistake on our first day of meeting each other, which was having sex within hours. Usually I never jump in to bed with a guy that fast. Since then the pattern has continued, in that we’re having sex every time he comes down to see me. There doesn’t seem to be a lot to us beyond that. We still haven’t even gone on a date yet.

With other circumstances in the mix, I have already mentioned to him that I wanted to take a step back and slow down.

I told him last night that next time he’s down, I’ll be due on my period (to be polite, he said there’s other ways we could do stuff). So I said no, and that I wanted to take the opportunity to go on a date instead. See how he can comfort and take care of me during it; lazy day with snacks and cuddles are my thoughts - to which he said that was unfair.

Personally I consider that to be a red flag response from him. So my question stands; is it unfair or bad, to withhold sex in exchange for wanting actual dates with him; 2 months in to seeing each other?

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Logical-Wasabi7402 t1_jegrb1w wrote

The phrase "withholding sex" implies that you're retaliating because of something he did. Like a punishment.

You're just saying "I'm not comfortable having sex on my period" which is 100% reasonable. And if he can't respect that, it's time for him to find a new fuck buddy.

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MoonchildEm96 OP t1_jegrkop wrote

I just know he may see it that way, as his ex used to withhold affection and sex apparently. I’m not getting in to that specifically though, that’s a whole ass problem in itself - and one I have zero facts for.

But yeah it shocked me that he was seemingly genuinely frustrated at me saying no.

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Logical-Wasabi7402 t1_jegrn68 wrote

Tell him that it's not fair for him to use you as nothing but a sex toy.

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MoonchildEm96 OP t1_jegs0q4 wrote

I asked him a few weeks ago what he actually liked about me. From what I remember, his answer was based around the things I do for him. Nothing about me as a person. He was also surprised that I even asked him that to begin with.

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StarryCloudRat t1_jegua04 wrote

Yeah, that sounds like a line to make you feel guilty for not wanting to have sex whenever he does.

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the-mirrors-truth t1_jegnwhq wrote

I think you need to establish what you both want out of this relationship. Sounds like he may only be interested in sex and thought that's what you wanted too so now he feels the rug has been pulled from under him.

But at no point due you owe him sex or your body.

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Total_Eagle_7359 t1_jegnx1k wrote

If u need to do this, then yeah he’s not the one for U

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HHIOTF t1_jegqgee wrote

Why would someone date you when they can screw you and leave? This isn't a relationship it's a situationship.

If you want a relationship move on and learn from your mistakes. You are worth more than that.

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MoonchildEm96 OP t1_jegqtns wrote

He often stays for a few nights at a time and sometimes talks about “making it work” in regards to him possibly having to move away - but despite that I’m inclined to agree. He never wants to go out and do anything. Whether that’s walking the dog together, grabbing lunch in town, or anything of the sort.

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HHIOTF t1_jegr6n5 wrote

words don't matter, actions do. People lie to get what they want out of you.

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MoonchildEm96 OP t1_jegrc4r wrote

I forget how shitty people can be. 26 years old and too naive for my own good I think.

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HHIOTF t1_jegrn1s wrote

It's a good learning experience. You know you deserve better so go out and get it!

Good relationships aren't hard. Remember that as you go forward. You are so young and have so much time to find your person.

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MoonchildEm96 OP t1_jegrtz7 wrote

As I say, sometimes I think people only come in to our lives for us to learn something, in one way or another.

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