Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

Curious_Lynx_3770 OP t1_iyf1ah0 wrote

Reply to comment by jjefferson1994 in My (F25) bf (M25) doesn't want marriage. How can I get myself to accept this? by Curious_Lynx_3770

I'm glad that this was brought it because this is something I've been starting to ask myself when thinking about this. Whenever I've discussed this with my best friends, they have brought up tax benefits that come with marriage and how being married or not being married will be important in cases of medical emergencies, death, etc.

But if I am being honest with myself, those things didn't cross my mind when he said he didn't want marriage. What crossed my mind was the proposal, the wedding and the proud title of being his wife. So that's something I have been doing more internal navigating with as well. Ultimately, I just want a life with him.

I would never want to pressure someone into marriage. It's no small thing, I am completely aware of that. I know that a commitment ceremony is not something he would choose himself. So I am thankful that even though marriage is something he does not want, he is open to doing this for me.

13

jjefferson1994 t1_iyf521l wrote

Yes. Those are very good points that come with legal marriage and can be somewhat circumvented.

For the tax write offs, there's not real way to get around that honestly. A lot of men that are against marriage think along the lines of, "A small percentage more to the government each year is better than her taking half". No offense to you at all by the way, just relaying the thought process.

For medical emergencies, death, etc. You can be legally made his medical proxy in case of emergency and be a beneficiary on his life insurance policy. This is just a suggestion to get around the "benefits" of marriage that the government essentially handles for you.

As for your internal struggle, I know many women that just like the idea of being a "wife" on paper and it seems that you're slightly in that camp. Another question that I have for women that really want to get married is, "What exactly do you wish to gain from marriage that you don't already have in your current relationship?" Besides the tax write-offs and status, the only benefit is the wedding day itself in the answers I usually get.

Another thing to think about is his perspective. "What does he stand to gain from marriage?" and "What does he stand to lose from potential divorce?" For many men, the cons outweigh the pros (at least statistically speaking) which is why they abstain from or are very hesitant to get married.

I find it nice that you're open to compromise, but if it is a deal breaker for you in the end, I would suggest ending the relationship before you get resentful and regretful. Although you make not feel that now, you have to think 5, 10, 20 years down the line if it's something you can deal with.

I would also caution you that the path of only a ceremony does come with consequence of lots of potential risk on your end. I don't want to assume too much about your relationship, but know that if you choose to be a stay at home wife/mom and he does leave, it will open your life to a difficult future professionally and mentally. With that warning, I will also give the advice to stay in the job market and keep your professional skills fresh as insurance for your own future.

Sorry if my comment comes off as preachy or very individualistic. I want the best for both of you regardless. I wish you luck and hope you give us an update in the future.

4