My (F25) bf (M25) doesn't want marriage. How can I get myself to accept this?

Submitted by Curious_Lynx_3770 t3_z90d5r in relationship_advice

I (F25) have been with my bf (M25) for 2 and a half years. He's the love of my life and I can't imagine life without him. He's kind, patient, loving, the list could go on and on. I truly feel like I have a partner who is there for me no matter what and is always my #1 cheerleader. Our relationship is amazing. There's just one thing - he doesn't want marriage.
Somehow the topic of marriage didn't come up until a year into our relationship (after moving in together). We always saw a forever with one another and had conversations about a future with each other; marriage was just a topic that never came up. A few days after moving in together, it came up in conversation that my bf didn't want marriage and I did.

For me, I have always dreamed of marriage. I never envisioned all the fine details of my wedding but I have always felt such excitement thinking of a proposal, dress shopping with my mom, MIL and friends, my first dance at my wedding. I also think the sentiment of a wedding is so beautiful. Standing up in front of your loved ones to make vows to love your partner forever. Not only that but I have always looked forward to being a "wife". I've always envisioned myself feeling proud and happy that my future husband and I chose to promise forever to one another. My bf is someone I am proud to call my bf ; and I would feel just as proud, if not more, to be his wife.
For my bf, he sees marriage as a social construct. He doesn't think that you should have to get married in order to be forever committed to someone but rather, every day you wake up next to your partner is a day you are choosing them. Choosing to be with them and commit yourself to them. He's already promised to love me forever. The ring and wedding are not needed for a promise and vows to hold truth. And even though we have a strong relationship and see forever in each other, the reality is that divorce is always possible. Things could happen, feelings could change, a partner could betray you and then when you divorce, it's thousands of dollars to do so. So even though he and I are confident in what we have, he doesn't want the possibility of having to pay thousands of dollars to essentially "break up" if something were to ever happen.

My bf is set on no marriage. I put A LOT of thought into what this means for me. What it really came down to for me is - do I choose to spend the rest of my life with his man, with no promise of marriage? Or do I leave him and maybe find marriage with someone else. I decided that this man is the love of my life. And I would rather live a life without marriage and with the love of my life than live a life without him. Even if I were to marry someone else, no matter how wonderful he is, I truly believe that my heart would always be with my bf.

​

I am happy with my bf and I have no regret in my decision. But lately the reality is setting in - I will never experience a proposal, I will never recite vows to him or him to me, I will never have a first dance with him at our wedding. I will never be be able to look at my ring and feel pride knowing that I am his wife.
I remain firm that I want to stay with him but I am having a hard time fully accepting that I will never experience these things. I feel like I am having to mourn these dreams that I grew up with and talked about with my closest friends.

What I am asking is for advice on letting go. Has anyone else experienced this or have advice on how I can properly mourn these things I will never have?

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ulose2piranha t1_iyedcl3 wrote

It's funny: I'm actually a wedding photographer and I enjoy weddings no matter if I'm working or just attending as a guest or participating as a groomsman (like I did this weekend for my sister!) However, attending so many weddings has had the effect of cementing my decision to not get married. Weddings are a lot of work, they're expensive, and they can be the cause of a lot of drama. Frankly, I don't blame your boyfriend one bit.

However, it's important to tease apart the different elements. There is the legal aspect of marriage and there is the religious and/or cultural and/or social aspect of the wedding. People treat them as a package, but they're not inherently bundled. You can go to the courthouse and get married in a few minutes for minimal cost with just a one or two witnesses. Conversely, you can have elaborate commitment ceremonies that legally mean nothing. Which one are you really mourning? Your post romanticizes all of the aspects of the wedding ceremony while your boyfriend seems concerned with the potential legal fallout of divorce. Both are fair opinions and there's actually potential for middle ground.

It sounds like getting legally married is simply out of the question, but maybe you can convey to your boyfriend that some of the social constructs of the wedding ceremony are important to you. Compromises are important in a relationship and he should be able to see that denying you everthing about marriage is just as unreasonable as if you demanded that he agree to a full-blown elaborate wedding. Start somewhere simple: can he buy you a ring? Can you pick out matching bands to both wear as an outward symbol of your commitment to each other? It seems like the most baseline request. You could also discuss having a small commitment ceremony with no paperwork. There are options between nothing at all and a huge, expensive, extravagant event with hundreds of guests.

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Curious_Lynx_3770 OP t1_iyezohd wrote

The costs that go into weddings has been a piece of discussion we have had as well. I do agree that weddings are overly expensive.
A legal marriage is not something he wants but we've talked about this a few times now and he can see that this is hard for me and in turn is hard for him because he ultimately does want to make me happy. So he did say that as a compromise, he is willing to have a commitment ceremony. Not a wedding and we would not be husband and wife after but a ceremony where we could recite vows, celebrate our love and share the event with some of our loved ones. The fine details of this haven't been discussed (how this would be initiated, where, how many people invited, what would go into the ceremony, etc) but I am happy that he wants to do something to kind of meet me in the middle.
I like the idea of possibly still having rings. We haven't thought of that but I will bring that up.

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jjefferson1994 t1_iyelfxn wrote

My first question to you would be: Is your dream to be married or to have a wedding? They are two different things in all honestly. The way you worded your post comes off as you want a wedding day and celebration, not really a legal document saying you're married.

As another user commented, a wedding ceremony could be had without the legal papers as a requirement. This is a very reasonable compromise in my opinion. I'm very against legal marriage myself, but if my SO really wanted a marriage ceremony, I'd acquiesce with no issues since it was important to them. OP, you should sit him down and explain that having a wedding has always been your dream and that you'd really like to have that one day.

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Curious_Lynx_3770 OP t1_iyf1ah0 wrote

I'm glad that this was brought it because this is something I've been starting to ask myself when thinking about this. Whenever I've discussed this with my best friends, they have brought up tax benefits that come with marriage and how being married or not being married will be important in cases of medical emergencies, death, etc.

But if I am being honest with myself, those things didn't cross my mind when he said he didn't want marriage. What crossed my mind was the proposal, the wedding and the proud title of being his wife. So that's something I have been doing more internal navigating with as well. Ultimately, I just want a life with him.

I would never want to pressure someone into marriage. It's no small thing, I am completely aware of that. I know that a commitment ceremony is not something he would choose himself. So I am thankful that even though marriage is something he does not want, he is open to doing this for me.

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jjefferson1994 t1_iyf521l wrote

Yes. Those are very good points that come with legal marriage and can be somewhat circumvented.

For the tax write offs, there's not real way to get around that honestly. A lot of men that are against marriage think along the lines of, "A small percentage more to the government each year is better than her taking half". No offense to you at all by the way, just relaying the thought process.

For medical emergencies, death, etc. You can be legally made his medical proxy in case of emergency and be a beneficiary on his life insurance policy. This is just a suggestion to get around the "benefits" of marriage that the government essentially handles for you.

As for your internal struggle, I know many women that just like the idea of being a "wife" on paper and it seems that you're slightly in that camp. Another question that I have for women that really want to get married is, "What exactly do you wish to gain from marriage that you don't already have in your current relationship?" Besides the tax write-offs and status, the only benefit is the wedding day itself in the answers I usually get.

Another thing to think about is his perspective. "What does he stand to gain from marriage?" and "What does he stand to lose from potential divorce?" For many men, the cons outweigh the pros (at least statistically speaking) which is why they abstain from or are very hesitant to get married.

I find it nice that you're open to compromise, but if it is a deal breaker for you in the end, I would suggest ending the relationship before you get resentful and regretful. Although you make not feel that now, you have to think 5, 10, 20 years down the line if it's something you can deal with.

I would also caution you that the path of only a ceremony does come with consequence of lots of potential risk on your end. I don't want to assume too much about your relationship, but know that if you choose to be a stay at home wife/mom and he does leave, it will open your life to a difficult future professionally and mentally. With that warning, I will also give the advice to stay in the job market and keep your professional skills fresh as insurance for your own future.

Sorry if my comment comes off as preachy or very individualistic. I want the best for both of you regardless. I wish you luck and hope you give us an update in the future.

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Peskypoints t1_iyf2a1j wrote

He wants protections from divorce. Has he researched what happens in the event of a medical crisis and death? Life insurance, inheritance, probate? There are legal protections being married provides and it’s useful for y’all to cover all the bases

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casualselfhatred t1_iyeakv1 wrote

I don't have experience with this, but it will take a lot of time to move on from this. It's something that you've dreamed about for a really long time, and it's OK if that is a deciding factor in your relationship. It's also totally OK if not wanting to get married is a deciding factor in his. It sounds like you have made your choice, but I would suggest taking some time alone to really really think about this. Are those memories you are truly okay missing out on, or are they memories you're telling yourself are ok to miss out on because it hurts to think wanting marriage could lose you your bf?

It's an incredibly hard thing when nobody is in the wrong and you realize that you're just different. Don't make a decision you don't want for the sake of somebody else. If you're positive about not getting married, try to shift the mindset. Instead of "I wish I could have gone shopping for my wedding dress," think "I have a couple hundred/thousand dollars to spend on something else" Instead of "I don't get to share my love for my partner with others," think "I cherish what my partner and I have wherever we are".

Like I said, it's okay to take some time adjusting to this new change in your life. Just be sure that it is the right decision.

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ConvivialKat t1_iyf5uik wrote

So, I'm the old person coming in with a reality check for your BF. Marriage IS a social construct, but it also gives each of you some serious legal protections that you will have to spend a lot of money trying to get, when you can get them automatically by legally marrying someone.

When you marry, you become your spouses next of kin. What does that mean? That means that if something happens to either of you, the other is the person who will be accepted by everyone as the person who is in control. If you are next of kin, you are the one who can always be with your partner and can make medical decisions for them if they are unable to do so. If you are NOT next of kin, those decisions are up to your partner's next of kin (likely parents). They could exclude your partner entirely. Everything related to your life and your living scenario will be dependent upon next of kin.

Of course, legal protections can be put into place...a will, an advanced Healthcare directive, a power of attorney...but the COST is extreme compared to the simple action of getting legally married.

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Woodit t1_iyfdxic wrote

A will can be done for less than a hundred bucks

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ConvivialKat t1_iyfeawb wrote

Yes, but that doesn't make your partner your next of kin. It can make them the executor of your estate if you die, but has no protections if you are still alive. That takes a power of attorney and an advanced Healthcare directive. Not cheap.

ETA: Also Domestic partnerships aren't recognized in many states. This is why gay partners want the right to legally marry.

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nashamagirl99 t1_iyeayou wrote

Maybe you could do a ceremony and rings but not the legal part. Also look into what sort of planning has to be done in terms of medical decision making and end of end of life because marriage does have really important benefits in those areas.

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Curious_Lynx_3770 OP t1_iyf04yn wrote

A commitment ceremony is something we are both open to doing at some point. This is a new concept to me but I think it would still be a really great way to celebrate our love.
What to do in cases of medical emergencies and what not is a great point as well and one we've discussed. We are planning to also at some point document what each of us what done in the case of a medical emergency or someone passing. We acknowledge that is important to plan for if we won't legally be tied to one another.

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trilliumsummer t1_iyf5x1e wrote

So you're focusing a lot about the wedding and mourning that -- my question would be what steps is he willing to take sans marriage to make sure you both are protected and looked after legally?

Without marriage you won't be next of kin (and visa versa) meaning

You might not be able to visit each other in the hospital

You won't be able to find out medical information by default

You won't be able to make any medical decisions

You won't inherit his belongs upon his death

You won't be the default beneficiary of life insurance, retirement accounts, or any other financial accounts

Depending on how you set up other financial decisions one of you may be put at a disadvantage that wouldn't be rectified through a divorce if you break up. This would most easily happen if you decide to have kids together, but could happen otherwise.

And a whole lot of other stuff the a marriage license easily grants you that you'd be without. That you would need a lot of documents in order to cover.

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Neat-Internet9682 t1_iyf68zz wrote

Have you talked about kids? Married or not kids cost money in divorce. And if you live in a common law state then it will cost just as much to divorce as split.

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dirtbag52 t1_iyefcp4 wrote

My girlfriend has a 28 year old son who has sworn he will never get married. I met him when he was about 19. (yes me and my girlfriend are not married after 9 years, We have already been married and divorced from our first spouses and don't feel the need) Anyway watching her son grow up his stance on a lot of things has changed. He was adamant when he was 20 but I can see he is not so opposed to it now.

This may not apply to you and you have to be ready for a lifetime of no marriage but he may surprise you one day. A lot changes as you get older, views change as well.

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1252626416 t1_iyf5y1y wrote

I think you’ve chosen wrong here. You let someone else’s preferences determine your future, squash your dreams, alter your relationship and forever second guess yourself.

You cannot let him have this much power over you for life. I say move on. You’ll come to realize it was the right move.

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crabgrass_attack t1_iyfayi1 wrote

alot of people have commented some really good insight.

My BF was no-marriage in the beginning of the relationship because his parents got divorced.

We went to his friend’s wedding together and he realised that it’s basically a big party with everyone you love and got really excited about the idea, forgot all about the potential of divorce.

Have you ever been to a wedding together? Maybe going to a friend’s or relatives will help him relax on his strict ideation of what it is. Not saying you should try to change him or anything but it’s what happened in my relationship.

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Foreign_Wolverine_47 t1_iyegg1f wrote

Break up. You don't share the same life goals. Don't waste your time hoping he will change his mind

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rasmusdf t1_iyep1mm wrote

Why should you accept that? In the end it is your decision. If it means a lot to you, why shouldn't he want to do that for you??

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PiddleAlt t1_iyepxa4 wrote

If it means a lot to him, why shouldn't she want to do that for him?

Works both ways.

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Curious_Lynx_3770 OP t1_iyf28bl wrote

I appreciate this being said. The "if it means a lot to you, why wouldn't he do it for you" comment has been said to me by my friends as well. I know it's said with good intent but marriage is no small thing.
Marriage did mean a lot to me yes. And you should want to do anything for your partner (to an extent lol) if they mean that much to you, yes. But my bf shouldn't have to give up his beliefs either. It truly can be argued both ways which is why these conversations we've had around marriage has been hard. We are each valid in what we believe and feel

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PiddleAlt t1_iyf3ama wrote

Yeah, I apologize if it sounded like I was directing that at you. That phrase just triggers me. There wouldn't really be a situation if both people didn't have strong feelings about it.

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Curious_Lynx_3770 OP t1_iyf3xoy wrote

Not at all, you're all good. I had meant I appreciated that you were saying that phrase could be said about me as well because it's true.
I feel the same about that phrase. I get it but I just think it can be an unfair statement sometimes

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rasmusdf t1_iyeq61v wrote

Yeah, actually agree. Perhaps they can do the mature thing, communicate and work out a compromise.

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ulose2piranha t1_iyeqog2 wrote

Why should he accept that? In the end, it is his decision. If it means a lot to him, why shouldn't she want to refrain from doing that for him??

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rasmusdf t1_iyeu9h5 wrote

Relationships are about communication and compromise. Either of them might end up resenting the other if they don't reach a workable compromise.

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ulose2piranha t1_iyeulwu wrote

Precisely.

But that's not what you initially said. I parroted back your comment and only changed the roles so you could see how ridiculous it sounded. I'm glad your actual position is more nuanced.

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rasmusdf t1_iyeuux8 wrote

Yeah, agree - first post was a bit unnuanced.

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cloudnineamy1217 t1_iyf8wxo wrote

Just be very careful and make sure that you're taking proper legal protections. Marriages give you a lot of legal protections that you're going to have to create yourselves with an attorney. Is he amenable to that?

Where does he expect you guys to go through life with absolutely no legal ties to each other?

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