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TyphoonCane t1_iyf7upg wrote

You don't get to turn your attractive parts on and off like a flashlight. The kindness that drew you in is the same kindness you despise him showing others. It just doesn't work that way. Either learn to accept that this is part of why you chose him or pick someone who isn't as kind.

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swollemolle t1_iyf870x wrote

Ex-nice person here. It will take time before he realizes that all this being nice to people is not going to translate into the same for him. People take advantage of you. People take your kindness for granted. Hell, some partners will take your kindness for weakness and lose respect for you. I was that guy. Until I had enough and I decided not to let myself be that guy anymore. Now, I am only kind to those who are kind to me. It sucks because I used to be happier when I was letting people run me over. But you realize that you haven’t learned how to have/manage healthy relationships. I hope your BF realizes this before it gets too late. May I suggest gifting him “No more Mr. Nice Guy”?. It’s a great book that really puts things into perspective.

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imnobodyhavenobody t1_iyf8o35 wrote

I love that he’s kind and I wouldn’t want him to change who he is but I just want to be put first sometimes. It feels like my needs come last because he worries about everyone else. It’s not nice when your planning a weekend together and he leaves early because his mom misses him. I understand sometimes things come up but it’s every week, I don’t think it’s unfair to feel hurt that my feelings aren’t taken into consideration

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EvilFinch t1_iyf8p9k wrote

He is too nice to everybody except for you. He can't say no to his mom and dissappoint her but has no problem to dissappoint you. Everybody is more important than you. You can wait. Now tell me, is this man really nice? He hurts you and he knows it. He shows you clearly where his priorities are and you are on the bottom. In short: this man has no respect gor you. You deserve so much better.

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imnobodyhavenobody t1_iyf95kj wrote

I was also someone who was too nice to everyone until I had enough so that’s why I’m trying to be patient and understanding. But it’s got to the point it’s not just affecting him but it’s affecting me. I know it’s something he needs to realize on his own but I don’t know how much more I can take

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imnobodyhavenobody t1_iyf9hrt wrote

I know your right. I put him before everyone but I always come last. I don’t think he is intentionally doing it but it’s really shit. I suppose I can also blame myself for also being too nice and letting him do this over and over

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TyphoonCane t1_iyf9ux1 wrote

I'll be honest, I don't really care how you feel in this instance. It's not about you. It's about a trait you picked in a partner and now want him to be able to be a flashlight. It just does not work that way. Kindness gets shown to the people he interacts with. That is part of his essence. The kind man is kind because he wants to be good to others. His mom is part of it, you ma'am are part of it. You do not get to pick and choose when he is kind. You do not have that kind of controller. You get to pick him or not him. That's your locust of control.

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imnobodyhavenobody t1_iyfakv6 wrote

But is it kind to constantly leave me? Let me down over and over? My issue really is that he’s not treating me with respect to please someone else. He’s so busy trying to be good to others who don’t care about him that he won’t do the same for me. I’d do anything for him I just want the same back

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penny4athought t1_iyfbedn wrote

Hard pass, he's showing he xan turn it on and off like a flashlight when his actions are going to affect her, and only her. He thinks that she'll just love him unconditionally, his actions be damned. No way, doesn't work that way. He's just being inconsiderate

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penny4athought t1_iyfcmhj wrote

OP, I don't want to claim to know exactly how you feel, but I have BPD and I know how intense those feelings can be. Most people will just never understand how something so innocuous can feel like a dagger in the heart, and it's true those deep reactions aren't the problem of others to solve, but for a 'loved' one to keep putting you last is just wrong.

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