[22F][39M] I had to fight my boyfriend [of 3 years] after he picked me up and tried to carry me back to the house in a petty argument. I should leave, right?

Submitted by Rando161803 t3_1005b6a in relationship_advice

I was walking to the neighbors after a break in an argument and he came after me after pretending not to care about our whole discussion and said "If you're leaving, you're gonna do it in an airplane." Grabbed me by the upper arm, I said "What are you doing?" And he doubled down and grabbed the other one to carry me. I'm not a fighter, but I was so angry and scared I just flipped my whole weight to the ground as best I could and actually tumbled him over (I'm 5'0 and 95 lbs, he's 6'0 and 180 lbs) After that I ran for my life to the neighbors because I assumed he must be in a blind rage and still coming after me. But he is actually really beating himself up over this and I'm so glad I kicked his ass. I don't know why my instinct is to be forgiving, because this is the same exact trap that so many fall into in this situation. And while it feels like the point doesn't need more context, (how CAN you justify something like that, right?) I gotta say he's never done anything quite like that before, and it's not like he tried to outright strike me. Regardless, it's of course a MASSIVE breach of respect and is indicative of just about the worst version of his internal half of the dynamic. I worry there's an element of that ever-so-common difficulty of separating sex from real life for men, as I have expressed quite rough sexual desires to him in the past. But I'm a VERY communicative person and that's all I've ever tried to do with him. We talked a little and revealed it was probably partially subtle internalized sexism in the vain of labeling me a 'crazy, negative bitch' for very calmly and casually bringing up the effects of soda (yes, it really was that stupid) a beverage which is his one and only choice in life. I'm a constructive person and I was being constructive about it. He's admitted that he just got needlessly fucked up about it, and he is completely understanding of me wanting to leave him over this. I just need to talk about it. Help? TLDR; My boyfriend manhandled me in an argument for the first time and I had to fight him. He's expressed remorse but I don't know what to do

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gcitt t1_j2fm67z wrote

A large 36 year old man got with a small teenager to have control. Full stop. No questions.

He is participating in this bizarre "discussion" and telling you that he understands if you want to leave because he wants you to feel like you're in control. If he can make you believe that you are in control, you'll ignore people like me when we tell you that he's a grooming piece of shit.

He put his hands on you, and your body knew to fight and flee. Deep down you know what to do.

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Rando161803 OP t1_j2fmyug wrote

That's deep, man, you're right in that regardless of where he's really coming from with his part of the 'discussion,' it's ultimately a pitfall which leads to settling even being an option. It's true, I can't be a doormat

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gcitt t1_j2fo881 wrote

Contact a DV organization in your area. I saw your post from a few months back. You are in physical danger.

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Rando161803 OP t1_j2fox1o wrote

Oh okay so not to defend this guy, but that old post was actually about a completely different abuser! (They're everywhere, right?) It was a situation my mom was in a while back but luckily that's actually been resolved. I'm really far away from her so I just didn't know what to do. But it's still pretty bad, right?

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gcitt t1_j2fr3sd wrote

I think you may have modeled your life choices after your mother's.

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Rando161803 OP t1_j2frz8h wrote

I appreciate you trying to make sense of this, but my mother's life choices are one of my main driving forces to BE better in the first place. These two men don't share all that many similarities on the outside. I may have fucked up in getting with someone who's so much older than me, but that was never her particular problem. I suppose you mean choosing the wrong partners in general? But I mean, it did take three years for this to happen and I'm immediately considering leaving, so do we really have to put it on the same level?

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Rando161803 OP t1_j2fs6t8 wrote

Sorry for being so emotional but you kinda struck my trauma nail right on it's head. I am constantly feeling the responsibility to fix her mistakes

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gcitt t1_j2fslb8 wrote

We pursue relationships that reflect what we think relationships should look like. When we are young, that usually means mimicking our parents.

I want to be very clear that you are not to blame for your current situation. But you are responsible for fixing the problem now that it has been explained to you.

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Rando161803 OP t1_j2fvp9c wrote

Thankfully, (if you can even say that) my mother's abuser is not my father. She got with him when I was 11. I never had to live with them but for a short year (by my own foolish choice) when I was 16-17. And I hated every second of watching them interact. That man is the only person I've ever truly wished to die in my life. So I don't think it's necessarily JUST like that, but I will admit my actual father to whom I've bonded (while being a very good person) DOES happen to be 11 years older than her, and I'm pretty sure that's why I go for older men. Which in turn does indeed lead more often to these sorts of dynamics, even disregarding the actual physical abuse. I know I'm not to blame, though, I just wanted clear that up somehow. I'm definitely responsible and that's where I'm stuck, because I might seem mature but this is my first relationship ever, which happened to correspond with a spiritual and sexual awakening which basically took me out of a long ass depressive episode that I thought was just the way my brain was gonna be forever and in the beginning anything felt possible. Like I didn't even want to commit to the relationship at all, but I'm not exactly the most mentally stable and I got so used to the comfort his quality of life has provided that I'm utterly terrified to face the world on my own. And I think that's probably because I need to save more love for myself instead of throwing it around willy nilly, hoping for some return. I know you can't help me with everything lmao you don't have to actually dissect that but thanks for being here

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mightymite88 t1_j2flmuu wrote

yeah girl get out of there. and find someone your own age next time. someone who will see you as an adult and not treat you like a child

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Rando161803 OP t1_j2fmay4 wrote

You're right bro, that's the vibe I get from this. It's just that it's always been pretty subtle and he regularly denies having that viewpoint of me because I'm 'so mature,' (lmao) but he is not the most introspective person and probably does have lingering complexes of which he is not aware

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