(34F)(34M) she said my needs don’t matter. I said if she honestly believes that we shouldn’t be together.

Submitted by ThrowRA_tireddad22 t3_zzzii5 in relationship_advice

My SO and I have been married for 10+ years. She is a stay at home mom. I work from home and try to be involved as much as I can.

My daily routine: 7am -8am I get our 1yo daughter up, dressed, fed 8:30am-5pm work 5pm-7:30pm dinner, bath, bed

Over Christmas break I thought things were going well and I was watching our daughter to try and give my SO some time to herself. Today we had a huge fight because we both want to have some kind time off over the holiday to do our own stuff like spend a few hours on a hobby.

Now the holiday is coming to a close and neither of us feels like we have really had much time to ourselves. I realize this is part of parenting but I believe we both need to find a way to recharge.

Today during a fight she said my needs are being met with work and hers aren’t being met at all by watching our daughter and that her needs are more important than mine.

I said “that doesn’t sound right, we need to find a balance so we can both feel like our needs are being met.” And just because I have work doesn’t mean I don’t need a break too. I said that there is no way for everything to be perfectly equal, if she is saying that me having a job means my needs don’t matter, then I would just be perpetually in debt to her, she just shrugged.

She pushed and said “no, my needs are more important than yours.”

I said “I don’t accept that, and if you really feel that way I don’t see how we can be together”

As you might expect things are worse.

Am I looking at this the wrong way? I thought both our needs were important and valid. And by “needs” I’m saying like spend a couple hours in the garage doing some woodworking or something.

I’m really at a loss here. I don’t know how to give anymore than I already am. Help..

TLDR: newish parents fighting over personal time and validating each others needs.

———————— Update: first off, thank you all. I am really amazed at the level of engagement and support this thread has been. I had such a hard time figuring out how to post in this group that by the 5th bot denial I was about to give up. I’m glad I didn’t though.

My wife and I had a good conversation and I think we were able to actually resolve our issue which ultimately I think came down to being burnt out from the holidays and just the difficulty of having a young child. Thanks again everyone and I hope you all have a great new year!

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Comments

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Consistent_Patient88 t1_j2ejrtz wrote

Both needs are equally important and it’s maybe time to speak to a marriage counsellor. Both of you are entitled to have some time to yourselves and also together without the kids.

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nurseynurseygander t1_j2fmi99 wrote

Honestly, I think you both need a reality check about expectations while raising young children.

Short of hiring a nanny, neither of you are going to get anywhere near as much as you need, of anything, for a certain number of years. The maths simply doesn’t work. You’re both going to spend those years running on empty and you’re both going to feel shortchanged, in general and in comparison to one another, and unless you’re both saints, you’re both going to express that in your own head, and possibly overtly, in unfair and ungenerous terms. Marriages IMO survive this period by simply toughing it out, recognising that a lot of thoughts and words are simply products of exhaustion, and not taking any of it too personally. They may be what people really think/feel in that overstretched moment, but they’re not necessarily what they really really think, the chosen values that really guide their life.

Reddit has a lot of young people and that’s why advice tends towards absolutes, black and white, leave in the face of unacceptable statements and behaviour. That’s quite appropriate. You shouldn’t embark on gargantuan feats like cramming intensive toddler care, relationship care, self care, house care, jobs, and sleep all into the same 24 hours with people who can’t even behave decently when it’s just the two of you. But when you do agree as a partnership to embark on such gargantuan feats, you’re kind of implicitly accepting that it is a stretch and should give each other some extra leeway and forgiveness for the relationship damage that goes with it. It’s temporary damage, if you’re both willing to view it as temporary damage, then draw a line under it and do the work to rebuild later.

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ATXRedhead420 t1_j2f0ndn wrote

It sounds like she may be unhappy as a SAHM

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PixieOnAcid t1_j2eiw98 wrote

I think this is a matter that needs to be worked out in couple's counseling.

Does she still want to be a SAHM? When you're home does she still get to go out and work on her hobbies like you tried to do over the break? When is the last time she went out of the house and did something just for herself without your or your child? It sounds to me like she either resents you for being able to lock yourself in a room away from them for the day, and/or she doesn't respect that while you're locked in your office or wherever you do your work, that you're actually working and not just relaxing in there.

It does sound like you do help out a good amount with your child but is there anything you can do to help with the mental load on your wife?

It might be worth looking into getting a babysitter for one day every couple of weeks so your wife can go out and get a break. Either that or discuss her going back to work and you getting childcare.

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ThrowRA_tireddad22 OP t1_j2ejrgb wrote

I do take of work every Wednesday for a few hours her to go to counseling and fridays I quit early so she can go to yoga.

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Sad_Entertainer6312 t1_j2eighg wrote

Marriage counseling

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ThrowRA_tireddad22 OP t1_j2eimr1 wrote

Yea, we have gone off and on over the years. But maybe we need to try again.

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Sad_Entertainer6312 t1_j2ek2me wrote

Did you find it helpful? Did issues get resolved?

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ThrowRA_tireddad22 OP t1_j2elj5v wrote

Sorta? Marriage counseling has been hit and miss over the years.

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PantalonesPantalones t1_j2fq10o wrote

What about individual counseling for you? Marriage counselors will generally try to save the marriage, even if it's not worth saving. A counselor for you may help you see that you deserve better.

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biteme717 t1_j2f0gr1 wrote

BOTH needs need to be met, find a happy solution for the BOTH of you ,if that doesn't work get MC, and if that doesn't work then you two are better off single.

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[deleted] t1_j2ezjqx wrote

That is an age old issue with children that are small. Good luck, I hear a lot of entitlement going on. You agreed to have a kid so take your time when you can get it, be kind to each other, and let most of this junk go. The kid will get older.

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Trick_Cake_4573 t1_j2fn2hg wrote

If your are a marriage of equals then both your needs are equally important.

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brambleshade_ t1_j2fl51c wrote

You need a couples counselor, because I heavily feel like both of you yell out things in the heat of an argument that neither of you mean. This calls for a mediator who can help you communicate your feelings better (and before the boiling point that sparks an argument) in the long run.

Edit: I see that you tried that already, but you need to find someone you both feel comfortable with. Someone you both feel heard by. Even if you have to go through 20 different counselors to find the one, it's gonna be worth it if you're both willing to put in the work.

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TYO_HXC t1_j2ezc1q wrote

So... you go to bed at 7:30pm?

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ThrowRA_tireddad22 OP t1_j2f65r6 wrote

No my 1yo does. I was saying I make her dinner, bath and out her to bed at 7:30. Sorry that wasn’t clear.

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UKNZ007Tubbs t1_j2f8rma wrote

Firstly your needs are both equally as important. And you are right that they needed to be discussed and a balance and compromise made.

You probably need to look at how to do more around the home, even if you don’t think you do, or arranging for some help so your wife gets some more time to herself on top of the counselling and yoga. But you also need to have some time for yourself.

If she doesn’t want to discuss and come to a compromise, then tell her to get a job that pays what yours does, and that you will swap places, but you will be expecting her to put your wants as more important just as she does now.

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trilliumsummer t1_j2f625v wrote

Ok first off you don’t work every second of your 830-5 job, correct? You get breaks, yes? The ability to step away from the computer, read the news, check your phone, text while doing zero work. Your wife doesn’t get that. The closest she gets is when your kid naps, but if she’s supposed to clean or cook during that time it’s not a break, correct? And while she likely checks her phone during the day she still has to keep an eye on her job (the 1 year old) because it won’t stay still until she’s done. So you need to realize that your wife is getting no breaks during that time if you’re not using your breaks to give her one.

Also, do not underestimate the power of being able to have an adult conversation throughout the day. Is it the same as hanging with your friends? No, but it’s still adult human interaction and every job I’ve had there’s at least some non work banter going in almost every meeting. Your wife gets none of that - she’s trying to figure out what someone who can’t fully talks wants all day - she doesn’t get full complete sentences until she interacts with you.

So yes you are getting two vital things at work that she’s not getting with your child - real conversation and actual breaks. The only way she can get it is when you take over for the kid 100% for a block of time or you guys pay for a babysitter.

Now, I’m not here saying you need to tough it out, but you need to realize and accept there’s a fundamental difference between what you get at your job vs what she gets at hers.

Are you giving her the equivalent of several hours alone in the garage and she’s not reciprocating? When did she last have several hours to herself that wasn’t sleep or running errands?

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YogurtclosetOk6197 t1_j2fbdvm wrote

I think some of what you are saying is accurate. I think we are all tired of the SAHM vs working mom/parent argument though. I’ve personally done both. I can say for a fact that both are equally challenging - just in different ways.

What I find alarming with this guy’s post is the wife actually saying “my needs are more important than yours.” She isn’t even saying that their needs are different. Just point blank that hers are more important.

That smacks of entitlement and arrogance.

OP, your needs are also important. This whole “happy wife, happy life” thing needs to be left in 2022.

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trilliumsummer t1_j2fjqrm wrote

Well especially with more info it seems like OP gets the sahm struggles and is doing what he can to give her alone time, but she’s saying it’s not enough while also not reciprocating at all. The whole one persons need is another want and hard to determine a baseline of which is more important without knowing what we’re talking about.

I just wasn’t sure whether her needs were just 30 minutes alone to talk to a friend vs his need to be in the garage for half a day - which in that case the needs aren’t equal. But it seems like it’s the reverse - she’s getting a higher level of needs accommodated than him. Asking for a 5th candy bar stating she needs it when he’s just asking for one candy bar.

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ThrowRA_tireddad22 OP t1_j2f9u9p wrote

Absolutely true. I know this is not the same. And I am not even asking for equal time. Yesterday, for example. I took care of our daughter from 7am-3:30,she wakes from her nap at 4. (I take care of our daughter all night as well and have the baby monitor up on my side of the bed although she has been an incredible sleeper and isn’t usually waking up all night). During the time I watched her I washed and changed the sheets, did multiple loads of dishes and cooked two chickens for chicken soup im making today. I also went through our daughters closet and took out all the clothes that don’t fit her, changed her sheets and did her laundry. Then last night we got into this fight because she said she never got any time to herself and I don’t know what else to do for her. She spent the morning sleeping in, going to her favorite coffee shop and working in her studio. So I said “wait, I thought you had most of today off?”. I said I needed to understand her expectations so I can meet them and I couldn’t just write her a blank check. I told her I need a break too and we need to find a way we can both recharge. I’m perfectly fine with taking the majority of responsibility with our daughter especially over the break. But I’m not ok having someone tell me my needs don’t matter and that as long as she’s a sahm they never will.

As far as naps.Our daughter has two naps usually a total of 3- 3.5 hours between 8:30-5. I’m not really sure what she does during those naps. I know she sometimes takes a nap while the baby is down but I usually make dinner and the baby usually eats leftovers.

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trilliumsummer t1_j2finag wrote

Oh yea, her saying your needs don’t matter is not cool especially since you’re trying while she isn’t reciprocating. It was just unclear from your original post if either of you were getting your own time. And it sounds like she’s getting time, but you’re not. What did she reply when you pointed out that she went to coffee and worked in her studio for most of the day? It seems like something is off if she’s saying she’s not having any time to herself when she literally got hours that day by herself. Would she do something similar before the baby? Like you spend most of the day with her, but then she argues that you never spend time with her? Or is it something new since having the baby? Trying to figure out if her less firm grasp of reality is a long term thing and just wasn’t as big of an issue pre baby or if it’s something that started from the baby.

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