How do i (28f) better explain to my BF (29m) that i dont want an open relationship?

Submitted by RaggedyDratini t3_10qaoow in relationship_advice

Me and my BF have been together for 3.5 years.

This has been the happiest and most loving relationship ive ever been in and honestly apart from this i cant think of any other big issues.

Hes very affectionate and patient with me and has never given me any reason to doubt anything. Within the last 6 ish months, our sex life has died off completely. we still cuddle and hes still as touchy as ever and there has been no other change but this. It would be nearly impossible for him to cheat as we are both working from home and extremely introverted so if we ever leave the house 99.9% of the time its together. his phone and computer are not really ever locked and neither are mine but i trust him enough not to snoop anyway. ive tried talking to him and he just says he never really thinks about or wants sex. he says the cuddling and telling each other we love each other is intimate enough and that honestly he could spend hours just holding me and that would be fine.

For a while, i was fine with this and after we talked to his doctor and therapist we realized he may be asexual. We were pretty active in the bedroom when we first started dating but it has gradually died until it stopped completely. He has assured me many many times he still finds me beautiful he just has no urges or anything.

It was really starting to get to me and i explained that even if i don't need that kind of intimacy often or regularly, it hurts knowing he might never want to be with me in that kind of way again. I also explained don't think i can be in a relationship with 0 sex. i have a high sex drive but even if it was just once every few months or so, i need that kind of contact with him. i can take care of myself the rest of the time.

He was absolutely distraught when i told him this and after a few days of him just being really really sad he said he'd come up with a solution. He wants me to sleep with other people. he says that will take care of my need to be intimate and he will still be there to provide all the love and support and we can stay together and be happy.

This completely shattered me because i dont want other people. He seems insistent that as long as i tell him when, where, and who, a one sided open relationship will work.

He thinks we can go to couples therapy if its hard at first but that as long as im having all needs met, it doesnt matter who. He just doesnt seem to place the same emotional connection in sex as i do.

I cant stop crying and ive tried explaining that it has to be him or i dont want it but he just doesnt seem to understand.

Any advice would be appreciated. i think this just means we won't be compatible in the long run, but just thinking about leaving him over this hurts so much. I wish i could just turn off my need for physical intimacy but i cant.

Has anyone been in a similar relationship and been able to make it work? He says he can try to "feel up to" sex but that makes me feel even worse and i refuse to force him to do something he doesnt want. I dont want to lose him but I dont think i can do this.

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nightowl2023 t1_j6ovgrn wrote

There always is going to be someone who has been in a similar situation and made it work unless it's something REALLY weird. With that being said there also are people who did not make it work.

So you have to decide what you want.

If you want monogamy then you need to break up and be with someone who wants what you want including the sexual aspect of a relationship. You aren't wrong for wanting your partner to want you sexually.

But I personally say try out his offer first if you are going to break up with him.

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IredescentDandelion t1_j6owenu wrote

Your question is essentially “how do I force us to be compatible” but you can’t. I’m sorry OP

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Therisemfear t1_j6ozzwh wrote

You did the right thing of not forcing him to have sex, and you should make it clear to him so he doesn't feel obliged or guilted to have sex, that it is not his fault that he is asexual.

It's understandable that he is coming out with 'solutions' to make things work despite your conflicting sexuality. Unfortunately, you are incompatible with each other. It's no fault of either of you, as neither of you can control your sexuality.

You need to explain to him that sex to you is an intimate thing, both emotionally and physically, and you are not willing to have sex with someone else when you are romantically involved with him.

(If you are involved in fandom subculture, you can explain that this is like watching your OTP being intimate with someone else. It's uncomfortable, to say the least.)

There might be some ways to make this relationship work, but ultimately you might need to decide whether it is worth it to continue with this relationship with no sex.

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