am i (f21) being irrational for getting mad that my boyfriend of two years calls his girl best friend baby (m20)?

Submitted by ThrowRAhfbsnjsfjif t3_10q75ob in relationship_advice

my boyfriend of almost 2 years (in a few days) called me irrational when i found out he “baby talks” his girl best friend. calling her “her name but in baby voice/text baby🥺💗” well… i told him that is not okay and that i’m making a boundary in our relationship that that is not allowed. he claimed she is like a sister and he does talks to his sisters that way. i trust there is nothing between them but i still feel disgusting that he chose to do that. he told me “this is just as irrational as when you didn’t want me hanging out with ex girl best friend” (he would hangout hours on end, up to ten hours, would drive to see her and not me (granted she lived 30 mins from him and me two hours) and they would text all the time and he would always be texting her while we were together, laughing at here texts.) i told him it made me uncomfortable how much time he spent with this single straight girl. we got into so many fights about it because he told me i was being controlling and to just trust him. (while he’s already lied to me about so much, including topics with girls)

anyway, he told me “please dont use boundaries to control me in the future” and then later the next morning i needed reassurance and said “just so we’re on the same page, you won’t be baby talking to her right?” and he rolled his eyes and said “oh so i just have to talk to her like a robot?!” as if there is no other in between option… claiming “all the guys (in his and her friend group) talk to her that way.” and “i dont want her to feel weird that i talk to her different all of a sudden after x years of friendship.” i said, you’re having sex and want children with me not her so suck it up. (in a much more polite wording)

he lied to me about hanging out with ex best friend (not the baby talk one) and deceived me saying he was with someone else and when i caught him in his lie, he told me “no i told you” and tried to make me believe he told me. he also has lied about going to smoke at random girls (that he just met) dorms in college. she ran into us doing laundry and said “oh hi bf name that was so fun the other night, so and so wanted your snapchat because you guys were getting along!” it took him a few mins to even acknowledge me in the room and introduce me. he told me he lied because he didnt want me to worry. i got so angry and he told me “ oh so im not allowed to have friends who are girls!?!?”

always pins the lies on me somehow

he blames all the lying on “you would react a certain way and id rather avoid going through that” when in reality im only reacting this way because of the lies.

MORE backstory (not the same story)

he also knew i had trauma with the subject of porn (nothing wrong with it, just experienced something in my own life which hurt) and offered to not watch it early in our relationship which i did NOT ask of him. we both promised each other not to though because i thought it was a very kind gesture towards me. a year later he confesses he’s been watching it at least once a week (probably more) and there had been countless times i asked for reassurance “are you watching?” (i was not by the way, kept my promise. i needed the reassurance because of his constant lying so i couldn’t trust he wasnt) and he would say “i pinky promise you im not” well, that hurt to find out all those pinky promises were deceiving. especially because he knows how much they mean to me and that one of the reasons i broke up with my ex was bc they always broke promises. well, he blamed me for how i reacted to him saying this saying “why cant you just trust me now that ive told you everything (every lie)?!?!?” (a week after i found out)

fellas, ladies, is there any salvation here. am i stupid to try and fix this. my dad told me hes gonna cheat.

obviously this is reddit and anyone can give their honest opinion but please dont call me stupid because i know its a little stupid, all of this. lmao. thank you for taking the time to give me any advice if you do :) this is all causing me enough pain

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Prudii_Skirata t1_j6o9xwz wrote

Pack him a bag and send him off to clown college. It doesn't sound like it'll be a big loss.

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Parking-Chocolate381 t1_j6ojb0p wrote

he’s totally gaslighting you and definitely either likes his gbf or likes the attention from her. bad either way. he also sounds super immature and like a person that doesn’t even consider your feelings or point of view and instead invalidates them. you shouldn’t be with someone like that

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ladync t1_j6osm3f wrote

Yeah, it's time to move on.

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grissy t1_j6pawtq wrote

>fellas, ladies, is there any salvation here.

Not a bit. You also buried the lede a little; the baby talk thing is weird as hell but it's not even close to being your main issue.

>my boyfriend of almost 2 years (in a few days) called me irrational when i found out he “baby talks” his girl best friend. calling her “her name but in baby voice/text baby🥺💗” well… i told him that is not okay and that i’m making a boundary in our relationship that that is not allowed.

See, if this were the only thing going on with you guys I would say it's bizarre (especially if he claims everyone in his friend group talks to her like this...I suspect that's a lie but even if it's not that's still super weird) but not really something worth having a fight over, and I might have called the boundary excessive. IF this were the only thing. But holy hell, it's not even close to the only thing.

>he told me “this is just as irrational as when you didn’t want me hanging out with ex girl best friend” (he would hangout hours on end, up to ten hours, would drive to see her and not me (granted she lived 30 mins from him and me two hours) and they would text all the time and he would always be texting her while we were together, laughing at here texts.) i told him it made me uncomfortable how much time he spent with this single straight girl. we got into so many fights about it because he told me i was being controlling and to just trust him. (while he’s already lied to me about so much, including topics with girls)

This is all breakup material, every bit of it. At a minimum he was having an emotional affair with this girl if not a physical one, and ANYONE would draw the same line you did so him acting like you're craaaaaaazy for having a problem with it is just him gaslighting you. You weren't being irrational at all. Telling your boyfriend "hey could you stop basically dating this other girl" is the most reasonable boundary anyone has ever had. And yes, they were basically dating.

>anyway, he told me “please dont use boundaries to control me in the future” and then later the next morning i needed reassurance and said “just so we’re on the same page, you won’t be baby talking to her right?” and he rolled his eyes and said “oh so i just have to talk to her like a robot?!” as if there is no other in between option…

This is him trying to make you feel like you're crazy again, when all you asked was that he not be bizarrely affectionate with some other woman. This is a reasonable boundary in the context of all the other shady stuff he's done, but he's trying to make it seem irrational and excessive. Again, he's gaslighting you.

>he lied to me about hanging out with ex best friend (not the baby talk one) and deceived me saying he was with someone else and when i caught him in his lie, he told me “no i told you” and tried to make me believe he told me.

Here yet again we have him getting caught in a lie so he tries to cover by making you think you're crazy or forgetful. As though you'd forget him telling you he was going to hang out with someone you have a problem with.

>he also has lied about going to smoke at random girls (that he just met) dorms in college. she ran into us doing laundry and said “oh hi bf name that was so fun the other night, so and so wanted your snapchat because you guys were getting along!” it took him a few mins to even acknowledge me in the room and introduce me. he told me he lied because he didnt want me to worry. i got so angry and he told me “ oh so im not allowed to have friends who are girls!?!?”

More shady shit, more lies, more trying to make you feel like you're crazy and controlling for not wanting him to go hook up with random women. If you haven't looked up gaslighting yet you may want to because it seems to be your boyfriend's default move when he's caught in a lie, and he tells so many it comes up a LOT.

>always pins the lies on me somehow

Yep, of course he does.

>he also knew i had trauma with the subject of porn (nothing wrong with it, just experienced something in my own life which hurt) and offered to not watch it early in our relationship which i did NOT ask of him. we both promised each other not to though because i thought it was a very kind gesture towards me. a year later he confesses he’s been watching it at least once a week (probably more) and there had been countless times i asked for reassurance “are you watching?” (i was not by the way, kept my promise. i needed the reassurance because of his constant lying so i couldn’t trust he wasnt) and he would say “i pinky promise you im not” well, that hurt to find out all those pinky promises were deceiving. especially because he knows how much they mean to me and that one of the reasons i broke up with my ex was bc they always broke promises. well, he blamed me for how i reacted to him saying this saying “why cant you just trust me now that ive told you everything (every lie)?!?!?” (a week after i found out)

More lying! Pretty much every time he opens his mouth he's either lying to you or blaming you for him lying to you. Or trying to make you think you're crazy for being upset that he's constantly lying to you.

>am i stupid to try and fix this.

You aren't stupid if you try to fix this, just naive and setting yourself up for a lot of misery and heartache. Look, you're 21. You do not need to settle for this miserable-ass pseudo-relationship with a pathological liar who constantly tries to make you doubt yourself. You can do better. ANYONE can do better. Do you really want a relationship where you're the warden and he's the inmate and you've got to be on your guard and following him and searching him every minute of every day because he's constantly trying to get away with something? That sounds exhausting and terrible. Why not just ditch this dumpster fire of a boyfriend and get someone you can actually trust? Just imagine how much easier your life would be without all the lies and constantly being told you're imagining them.

>my dad told me hes gonna cheat.

Your dad is 100% correct, assuming he hasn't started cheating already. I'm pretty sure he has.

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