I (19 f) and my partner (20m) are still young, should I worry about our different ideas about having kids?

Submitted by Weird_Permission1250 t3_10q4dbb in relationship_advice

So, I am still pretty young. If I would ever want kids I would have them in about 10 years.

I have been with my partner for a year right now, but I feel really good in the relationship and I eventually could see a future with him (I know it's still the begging... But you know when u have that feeling that you are probably gonna marry this person?)

The only thing that is bothering me right now (could be because of my anxiety) is having kids. We both want them, but I want to adopt them and they want to have biological babies. I wanted to adopt since I was very little so it's not a new idea (I would literally say it to my mum when I was 4/5).

Also in this years I found out that the very painful skin condition that I have is genetic and probably will be transmitted to my prole. They also have various immune problems and a skin condition that wouldn't be optimal. (it's a very bad acne, not as severe as mine but still very annoying) Obviously I have some kind of cure ( injections and steroids) but it never goes away completely, and it's still pretty painful.

Also we both have very bad anxiety (diagnosed and taking meds for it) and I know for sure that mine is genetic.

So apart from the fact that I never wanted biological kids, I also know that my children would have many problems... I know that they would survive like I did in a good environment but I see my mother every time she sees me suffering, waking up full of blood and not able to move. She is haertbroken and sometimes she blames herself for what I have (which she couldn't have possibly known as it was passed by my father side). I would totally blame myself. I don't want to make someone else suffer like I did.

I just want to love someone and give them a good life. Prepare them for the world and make them feel secure with me. I don't care if they are mine. Actually I think it's better to help then put other babies in this world while others are suffering because they don't have someone that can take care of them.

My partner doesn't agree with me(which is totally fine but not as we are in a relationship), but he said we shouldn't care about it now as we could change our mind in so much time (probably refering to mine). Maybe that is true but I don't want to stay with him for a lot of time and then break up for a problem that I knew we had all along and I was worrying about.

Maybe it's just my anxiety talking but I would like some advices.

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BeltalowdaOPA22 t1_j6nqo5d wrote

You want completely different things that will ultimately lead to a breakup. Yes, you are young, but why would you stay in a relationship that you know has a time limit?

And what is going to happen if you accidentally get pregnant? You know that your boyfriend wants biological children and would push you to keep an unwanted pregnancy. Is that something you want to risk?

Not to mention the post that was on here the other day from the woman who had also told her husband that she never wanted to be pregnant, and he sabotaged her birth control to get her pregnant and he did.

Be very, very careful that you are using a birth control method that cannot be tampered with.

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DecafWriter t1_j6ns968 wrote

It's true that you don't know what the future holds. A lot can change in 10 years, a lot can change in just one or two years. But, I would never recommend staying in a relationship and "hoping" things will change. I tell anyone in a similar situation that you have to love your partner as they are now. You should not love a future idealized version of your partner.

If it were something small that you could just say "agree to disagree" and move on with your lives that's fine. But this under most circumstances would be a deal breaker. Find a way for your partner to understand or find someone else who will.

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Andle_Randle t1_j6nsjye wrote

Staying in a relationship with the hopes that someone is going to change their mind about a significant thing that can't be compromised on isn't a good idea. Leaving is only going to get harder the longer you stay.

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DrHugh t1_j6nr4f8 wrote

I wouldn't assume that your positions will change on this matter. This isn't like "you haven't tried this food, so how do you know?" This is something that's been thought about, and a preference has evolved.

Love is not enough in a relationship. You really have to have compatible life goals. One example I often use is children: If one person wants children, and the other doesn't, someone is going to be unhappy no matter what happens.

But even if you agree on children, there are lots of details. You've encountered one: Adoption versus having your own biological kids. You can also get into issues on how to raise kids, like what forms of discipline to use, whether they should have an allowance, and so on.

You may want to talk more about your views on what married life would be like, and what raising kids through to college (and beyond) would be like. It may be that you'd find some other differences that would give you a clearer idea on whether the relationship would work or not. For instance, you may agree on everything else, but then find that your partner believes children should move out at age 18, get a job, and pay for rent and stuff, and that saving money for college is wrong (the kid should pay their own way). If you don't hold that view, there is probably no way to reconcile these differences.

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WeeklyConversation8 t1_j6nvczx wrote

You don't want biological children and he does. This isn't going to change for you. You have very good reasons why you don't.

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