Submitted by SeaworthySwarth t3_10q0k91 in relationship_advice
All the way back in the 6th grade I met this girl, Sara. I actually really liked Sara the moment we met and we became friends immediately, but there were these other, popular girls in our class who bullied both of us, and the ringleader told me that if I joined in on picking on Sara with them, they'd let me be friends with them instead. So I caved and joined in on bullying Sara instead.
Eventually the other girls stopped messing with Sara but they still egged me on because I guess they thought it was funny, and although I never hurt Sara physically things escalated to the point that her parents sent her to a different school in a neighboring district to separate us.
We still ran into each other sometimes after that and we were always friendly. In college, Sara emailed me and asked to hang out sometime, but at the time she was more successful than me and doing better in life and I felt resentful of that, so I kind of lashed out and said I would like to see her but only if she really wanted to be friends and didn't just want to rub her success in my face. We never spoke again.
In the years since then I've been in and out of therapy dealing with stuff that goes back to my childhood and college years, but when I would think about what I did to Sara I always struggled to think of a way I could apologize to her without mentioning what was going on in my life and making excuses.
Recently another friend of mine (who is younger) got spontaneous apologies from two of her childhood bullies, and I've realized I'm at the point where I could write a good apology for Sara without making it about me.
The thing is, it's been so long since all this happened and since we last spoke, I'm not sure if she would want that apology now or if I would be dredging up bad memories for her. Would you want to receive an apology from a bully after so long? Should I just leave it alone?
TL;Dr - I picked on a girl in school and we haven't spoken in 20 years, but I'm thinking of reaching out to say I'm sorry for how I treated her then. Should I do that, or just leave her alone at this point?
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