Is he M45 F20 still in love with his ex?

Submitted by ThrowRA-wwydiw t3_10pyvmw in relationship_advice

Before you read: I understand the age gap. I do not want advice on the age gap. I want advice on the question I have asked. Please respect my wishes. Thank you.

I’m in a tough spot. I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me. I had a couple signs like seeing a text from his ex pop up when he was in the car with me and her name had all these emojis and stuff by it. I confronted him right then and there and he said she needed help.

Here’s the backstory with her, she and him were engaged two years ago during Covid, but he ended it. She lives in Peru, and was trying to get to America and all of his friends said she was using him. He told me she was so smart but came here and refused to do anything, no school, no work, no nothing, just lazy, and that’s why he ended it. She also cheated on him and would text other guys while she was laying in bed next to him. So yeah, she sounds like a real stand up person lol.

Anyways, I was sure he was cheating on me, so I confronted him and he dropped this. He has been supporting her financially for the time being since they broke up. Now he and I have been together a year, so that was super brutal and felt like a slap in the face. I understand the situation in Peru and I feel horrible but she is not a good person and I don’t want him connected to her anymore. I feel that he still wants her, because why else would you be running to be her hero??? The sad part is for me, is that I wanted to start combining finances. I wanted to do phone plans together, iCloud, everything, come to find out he’s still doing that with her. It felt like a punch to the stomach just absolutely crushed me. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable and should be okay with him paying for her life. But I need help, I don’t know what to do. I’m crushed.

0

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

sarcasticabsence t1_j6mw327 wrote

Do you really love him or are you just wearing rose colored infatuation glasses for a guy old enough to be your father with a creepy habit of frequently dating women who are barely legal? Girl get it together

77

Universal_Yugen t1_j6mx37q wrote

I second this. Get it together. Please.

You can ask us to not mention the age gap, but if you want another's perspective, we're entitled to share what it is we see that is situationally concerning.

This age gap is frightening and I cannot fathom the depths of who he truly is to be using such young women in this way.

You are being used under the guise of love and relationships. Real relationships are based on mutual respect, not infatuation. They don't work in this context. 25 year age-gaps are creepy and wrong, OP.

Get it together.

36

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mwojt wrote

I know I know it’s cliche. I can’t try to rationalize or explain it to anyone else I guess. It’s just a preference for me. I understand what you are saying though.

−24

Hal_Jordan55 t1_j6mxfkg wrote

It’s understandable to have a preference for older men but do you really have a preference for this type of older man? Even if we didn’t know the ages this guy is a mess.

26

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mxjgu wrote

I mean everything so far, has been pretty good. Except this, and in my mind, this is huge.

−6

Hal_Jordan55 t1_j6myjvw wrote

I agree it’s def pretty big. If anything you should slow things down in the relationship

9

Lil_lib_snowflake t1_j6mxig9 wrote

Genuinely hoping you consider seeking therapy because that preference sounds like it may have some deeper emotional baggage attached to it and you deserve to find someone who is your equal and your partner. Dating men who are twice your age and habitually go for women yours is rarely going to work out well for you. There’s a reason they are still going for the young, naive girls. You’ll eventually mature and they won’t. Who they are now at their big age is who they will likely always be.

Edit: not nearly twice, actually twice

16

bananahammerredoux t1_j6n3i0f wrote

Consider that you have a preference for men who like to date women who are barely legal adults and not fully biological adults. That should worry you.

3

TattooPuddle t1_j6mtdss wrote

He's 25 years older than you and fresh off a break up. Sounds like you're a hot young rebound.

57

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mtmh2 wrote

Well they were never married, but yeah she was also young too.

−29

TattooPuddle t1_j6mtset wrote

If he has a habit of dating people who are just barely not teens anymore, he's a creep

50

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mtuw9 wrote

Damm

−15

TattooPuddle t1_j6mu3i5 wrote

A normal, sane 40 year old doesn't go after someone who just turned 20.

37

TitaniaT-Rex t1_j6n5v1k wrote

I see someone in their early 20s and think, “(S)he’s so young! Was I ever that young? What are they talking about?” That even goes for people with whom I share hobbies/interests.

3

Calasy t1_j6mvqso wrote

Looks like you and his ex got too old for his taste.

21

bluemonker0 t1_j6mud25 wrote

Do not combine finances with someone who's still supporting his ex. She sounds like she just wanted to come to America to live, and he was at least smart enough to realize that when she was here. Why is he still sending her money? He can do whatever he wants with his own money, but you don't want yours going to another woman too.

Can you see an actual future with this man? Does he make you truly happy? Will you always be distrustful of him and could you continue to be with someone when you have those doubts?

39

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6muo7c wrote

I really love him. I know the age gap is crazy, but my life is just different I guess. I grew up around all adults, I was never really allowed to hang out with people my age, so I’m generally just more comfortable and prefer older men. He and I agree on pretty much everything. Same politics, same views, same interests, religious beliefs etc. so it does check out at least. I am so hurt because I see myself marrying him..

−61

Nihil-011 t1_j6mx4wk wrote

You desperately need therapy.

53

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mxh1i wrote

You paying though?

−34

Nihil-011 t1_j6n10ll wrote

No, but I can maybe assist you in finding someone that would be inexpensive. If you’re east coast USA. I work in behavioral therapy for adults with disabilities, so what you need is outside my field, but I do network with therapists, counselors and social workers often.

20

[deleted] t1_j6niya5 wrote

[deleted]

5

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6njtbg wrote

That’s the funny thing. He doesn’t pay for shit for me. He bought me a couple nice gifts for Christmas. I pay for everything and work super hard for my money. That’s why I’m like damn, I’m not even getting money and she is??? Hahaha. She literally just getting handouts from him.

−2

bananahammerredoux t1_j6n3ae3 wrote

There’s nothing wrong with what you’re saying here as far as your own perspective goes. But what you’re ignoring is that a middle aged man should not be comfortable with a 20 year old as a partner. When you’re standing on the 45 year old side of it, 20 looks and feels extremely young and inappropriate. Which means you’re dating someone who is totally comfortable with inappropriate situations. Want more proof? Look at what he’s doing with his ex.

7

KrKrKr004 t1_j6muqoj wrote

Mid forties 'adult' dating a teenager / barely out of their teenage years is a giant green flag if I've ever seen one /s. Your manfriend is a whole person who's older than you, older than you.

My advice is to date people who are much closer to you in life experience and commonalities. Creeps like your manfriend tend to use youngsters whose brains aren't fully developed because they are wearing blinders to the fact that well adjusted mid forties adults don't think underdeveloped kids are prime dating material.

38

lolhmmk t1_j6mw9nm wrote

He is a creep who only dates naive young adults who he can control and manipulate.

29

nomaki221 t1_j6my0z5 wrote

STOP talking about marriage and having kids with this man. You are not even legal to drink yet. You THINK you’re grown and ready for this and understand the “world of adults” because you’ve been around them but your brain is not done developing and you DON’T. Do future you a favor: keep dating this guy if that’s your thing but use rigorous protection and NO MARRIAGE talks. You will never “fix” this man and his child bride fantasies. He will look for the next child to exploit once you come to your senses. Why do other adults who are just as mature and wordly as you steer clear away from this shitbag of a man? Why does he only attract poor young girls from third world countries? Because you’re not as adult and mature as you think you are if you’re falling for this fool’s bs.

25

E60fan t1_j6myeco wrote

He's old enough to be your dad. Seriously get it together and leave his ass.

22

treehead726 t1_j6mzsj7 wrote

You're dating a creeper who preys on naive young girls in underdeveloped countries. Ew.

22

indesomniac t1_j6myv1r wrote

You said “don’t mention the age gap” but it has everything to do with the situation you’re in; you started dating this 44 year old man when you were still a teenager and he was fresh out of a two-year engagement. Have you had a serious relationship before him? Or is this your first one? Because that’s also relevant information.

I was raised by my grandparents and great-grandparents, I usually feel more comfortable around the elderly than with my peers, I get it, but even as a 24 year old the idea of dating a teenager is skeevy to me. Having a preference for someone older than you is common, but it’s important to keep in mind why someone so much older would be interested in you who is more than half his age.

As much as you don’t want hear anything about it, this is as relevant to the conversation at hand as any other detail in your relationship.

18

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mz0qx wrote

I totally understand. More what I mean is that I don’t want to get harassed about it. A lot of the people on here have just been rude and brutal. I’m always open to advice because clearly I need it desperately, however, I just don’t care for the bullying/harassment.

3

MomentMurky9782 t1_j6mznkk wrote

I know you think the age gap doesn’t matter, but he’s with you because you’re 25 years younger and much more naive than you think you are.

8

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mzzz1 wrote

Oh I know it matters. I just don’t want to be bullied or harassed you know?

−2

MomentMurky9782 t1_j6n08v6 wrote

Oh for sure, I’m in an age gap relationship as well, which is why it’s important to thoroughly vet someone to make sure they’re not using you. And I’m sorry, but this doesn’t seem like a relationship we’re you’re respected. At least not as much as his ex.

0

Specialist_Acadia244 t1_j6mzffy wrote

Any man that talks about his ex being a bad person or talking negatively about an ex is a huge red flag....

3

bananahammerredoux t1_j6n2wq5 wrote

You don’t need us to tell you exactly how bad this man’s judgement is. Your last paragraph shows that you know. This isn’t someone with whom you can get into any financial or legal entanglement. If they’re middle aged and exhibiting this level of horrible judgement then you know there’s little to no chance that he’s going to grow or change. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t shackle yourself to this dead weight.

3

MusilonPim t1_j6mu4wy wrote

His finances are ultimately his, but he should care about your feelings too.

Either find a way where he continues to support while giving you enough confidence it will be confined (either in it remaining platonic, not increasing in size or quitting altogether).

He wants to help her, but he should also realise that such support should have its limits. Perhaps he hasn't thought about or maybe he already has decided. Talk through it together and stick to the outcome.

2

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mue5k wrote

I’m having a hard time with it because I just don’t understand. If he left her and he can’t stand her why won’t he stop??? He keeps saying I committed to keep paying through the end of this year, and I’m like dude we are talking about getting married and kids how could you have kept this from me after marriage?!!

−3

teppetold t1_j6mwpyt wrote

His paying for her attention. And probably gets some control or something in return. Or he still loves her. No good options for you really. And definitely not since he hid it. And how sure are you that he left her and not the other way around? That would make more sense.

5

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mwtet wrote

I mean he showed me some texts. He really did leave her, but that’s why I think it’s so odd. I’m wondering if he’s okay with this, that he’s okay with cheating too.

0

teppetold t1_j6n0itj wrote

He still might regret it. Don't really see any reason that would be good for your future. Even if we are ignoring the huge red flag on him going after people so young. Usually control of some sort is involved. Young women tend to be much more susceptible to manipulation then the people his age. Financial aid provides control. I have no explanation other than that which makes any sense. Or his still desperately in love with her.

And yeah hiding this from you for so long means he has the mindset to hide serious stuff from you. And texts etc can be deleted and edited to fit a story, not saying that is happening but everything is kinda suspect after something this big

4

missiemiss t1_j6my6jj wrote

Because he’s not over her - he still feels for her and her plight. He’s got his hand in many honey pots - maybe she went back home because her visa was up - if you don’t work on a work visa you go home / if you don’t got to school on an education visa you go home. Are you sure he is telling you the truth about this?

3

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6myqgy wrote

Yeah the whole situation was a nightmare. My concern is really that I think she is using him too. I’m not mad at the girl I mean to her, somebody else’s boyfriend is giving handouts?!! Hell yeah! I mean shit who wouldn’t take advantage😂 but I think she might’ve lied to him or mislead him…she said her family was dying and stuck there in Peru, then I do some digging and find out they are absolutely fine in America.

1

kitkatquak t1_j6n02cy wrote

Who cares what she said. He’s the idiot that’s falling for it. He doesn’t respect you

5

missiemiss t1_j6n0jrl wrote

Either way hun this guys seems like a fool and a tool. Is this really what you want? Try finding a man who has it together and only eyes for you. You deserve better - this guy ain’t it.

3

MusilonPim t1_j6mvsyk wrote

He should have not kept things like this from you; regardless of whether or not he feared consequences or did not find it relevant.

Don't focus on what happened, focus on where to go from here. Let him know that you want to respect his decisions, but that you also want him to give you confidence that your future together will not be tainted by this issue.

His commitment to holding his word is commendable, but it gives you stress so see if there is a way that reduces it: perhaps you can set up an automatic payment that ends at a given date, perhaps he'll just donate the remainder of the money in one go, or perhaps he'll quit altogether if no solution can be found...

Either way it's not unreasonable for you to ask him to communicate to his ex that outside of the money he will cut ties altogether (if he really does despise her, but she still has an influence that might be the better solution for him as well. If it is, he will know it too)

I hope for you that a reasonable solution can be found for all of you.

2

TitoTheMidget t1_j6myj1j wrote

How long has he been doing this?

I'll be honest, I've been the older guy in a relationship like this. I was fresh out of a divorce and started dating someone 10 years younger than me, looking back it wasn't a good decision for either of us, but you asked not to give advice regarding the age gap so I won't.

At the beginning of that relationship, I gave my ex-wife some financial support when needed. She left me the house, and rent is significantly more expensive on a monthly basis than a mortgage payment, so even though she earned more income, my lower cost of life expenses put me in a more stable situation. I felt like I had a moral obligation to kick in financially until she could stabilize, especially because we split custody and I didn't want the mother of my children to be financially struggling if I had the resources to help. Within about 6 months she had fully stabilized and no longer needed the help, and she's since remarried and has a solid 2-earner household now. She moved to a different city and we both agreed it would be best for the kids to not have to switch school systems, so now I have weekday custody and actually receive child support from her. I'm applying for a remote job that comes with a significant pay raise, and if I get that, it'll probably flip to where I'm paying the child support instead of receiving it.

It's pretty common in amicable separations for the person in the better financial situation to help the other person get back on their feet. Going from 2 incomes to 1 income is a significant financial hit and unless you're a pretty high income earner it's not something that's easy to recover from. But if this has been going on for a long period of time, I'd be suspicious, and I definitely wouldn't merge finances with somebody who's still supporting an ex. Keep that separated until that situation is resolved.

2

[deleted] t1_j6mzjvl wrote

[deleted]

2

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mzy3r wrote

Yeah I know this all just came up in the last few days I’m in shock. I know I definitely would not be marrying him anytime soon after this. I don’t know if I ever could in good conscience. I tend to hold onto things. So I don’t know I could forgive but never forget unfortunately

2

gligster71 t1_j6mzos4 wrote

The simple fact that he is hiding something from you as significant as financially supporting his ex should be sufficient reason for you do leave this relationship. Also, most people who are lying about something or trying to hide something will, when confronted, admit to some smaller sin to try to keep something even worse hidden. To spell it out, if he is admitting he is helping her $$$, then that may be just the tip of the iceberg; he may still have significant feelings for her or something even more devastating. As a former, recovered semi-professional liar, I speak from experience. Good luck.

2

SaikaTheCasual t1_j6n1m4g wrote

You‘re most definitely the side piece. There is no logical reason for a man in is 40‘s to seriously date someone that young onliest they’re a creep.

2

AutoModerator t1_j6mt89l wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

kitkatquak t1_j6mzg1r wrote

You’re not being unreasonable. If he’s serious about you, he shouldn’t still be connected with her

0

Burtonish t1_j6n1sft wrote

> I do not want advice on the age gap

> proceeds to get advice centered on the age gap

In all seriousness - wait with combining finances. If this truly is the one for you, then doing so after marriage is soon enough. If he isn't then you will be glad you waited. If you said 'me or her' - do you think you could walk away if he does not choose you?

−1

ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6n1yjp wrote

Yeah I think I would have to walk away. I can’t in good conscience stay with someone who would choose an ex in another country over me. That’s heavy af.

3

Burtonish t1_j6n3f20 wrote

Just to give you some honest perspective - me and my husband have the same age gap. He also has exes in another country, some of which he still talks sometimes (which is fine for me). One of them actually hosted him when he lost him home and job. We made the joint decision to pay this particular ex a sum of money we found fit.

Your relationship CAN work. The age gap will make it harder, but not impossible. In our case, day to day, it's not a big deal. Your partner needs to understand that you trail behind him in maturity, and will be doing so for a long time. You are younger, there is no shame in that. Your partner also needs to check all other boxes any partner should - open, honest, communicates with you and makes you a priority. If this sounds like your partner sit him down and ask him to please sever ties with this woman. That's your right.

−2