I’m going to try and be as vague as possible since this story is very specific. My boyfriend, his ex, and I have been friends for at least 10 years. His EGF and him dated for several of those years and were on and off the last couple of years. Even though I met him first, I was closer to the EGF for the majority of our relationship.

There were several things that happened that resulted in the EGF disappearing out of my life on multiple occasions. However, BF and I stayed in contact consistently. Our families were connected and they lived closeby, I consoled them after their breakup, they consoled me with my abusive relationship at one point, etc.

At one point, BF and I were hanging out pretty consistently (this was almost two years before we started dating). We were both single but in contact with our exes; however we were only hanging out. We got food together, went to bars together, and watched TV with one another. We were not intimate with each other - particularly because we were both still sleeping with our exes but also I wasn’t interested in messing up the friendship I had really come to enjoy.

One night, while we were getting food, his ex called in the middle of dinner and said she was drunk at the club and needed a ride home. The people they went to the club with had left her by herself. He asked me if it was okay to get her because he felt bad interrupting our dinner, but she was still my friend and I wanted to make sure she got home safe. We even packed some food for her.

It took awhile to get her because she didn’t know where she was and we had to basically walk downtown in a big city looking for her. Eventually we found her - another man was trying to get her to go home with him. We took her from the other guy and walked her back to the car. In the car my BF and the EGF smoked moon rocks (THC megazord). They were both stoners so I wasn’t surprised - just uncomfortable since he was driving. I told both of them that she should go home, but she kept saying she didn’t want to go home and she wanted to sleep at BF’s house. I wasn’t in a relationship with my BF at the time and it wasn’t really my place to say anything besides that, so after a while I dropped it.

I got dropped off first and he took both of them home. The next day I asked if he slept with her (she had been dating another guy at the time, and we both discussed, as friends, that he should limit sleeping with her and leading her on if she wants to be serious about this new guy). I was disappointed, but at the same time it wasn’t my business to tell him or her what to do so I left it at that.

I think what happened a couple days later was that she told me and another friend that he had raped her while she was blacked out. I was very distraught by that information and told him I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him anymore - etc, etc.

He was very confused about the whole thing because he thought the interaction was consensual. I was too mad at the time to hear his side of the story. A couple days later I remembered he was smoking that night and asked him what happened after I left.

He told me they got back to his house and were watching tv on his bed. He got up to smoke dabs (concentrated forms of cannabis) and offered her some. She thought about it and declined. Eventually they went to bed (this was all very late as I didn’t get home until almost 1am). He told me at about 4am she took off her clothes and kept scooting to him. He turned over and faced the other way, so she scooted to him again. He asked her if she wanted to have sex and she mumbled something. He wasn’t sure what he said so he asked her again and she said “mhm” and smiled. She took off her underwear and they both got into position. He said she wasn’t limp and it wasn’t anything different from what they had done previously (they had had sex inebriated before).

In the morning when they woke up, she asked where her clothes went and if they had sex. He said she seemed confused but he didn’t think much of it at the moment. (Anytime they had had sex before and she wasn’t feeling it, he stopped, apologized, and got emotional). I only have his recollection of the situation, as she said she doesn’t remember anything after she got to his house. Because he got higher before the event occurred, I chalked it up to both parties not being sober. I felt the situation was between the both of them and that I didn’t want anything to do with it.

We all stopped talking for a different situation that happened a week later, however by the next year we were all hanging out as friends again and they were back to hooking up. I didn’t think anything of it because that was their relationship and it wasn’t any of my business. However, she started to get serious with someone else she was dating and dropped off again.

By the end of the year, I finally considered dating him. A couple days ago, she reached out to me and said she had disappeared because I was choosing her rapist over her. She said it didn’t matter that he was high because he was a stoner and was always high at that time. She has trauma from the situation and spoke to a lot of her circle about the situation as well.

I have been raped by partners in the past and the situations were all so different and much more cut and dry. I believe that she remembers nothing and that this was traumatic for her, and the more I think about that conversation I feel angrier with my boyfriend. The event was a couple years ago, so he said he can’t remember how he felt (if he was still high when they woke up the second time).

My ex partners who raped me in the past are with new people now. I don’t know what to think. Is it better to be with someone I know who did something like this, or someone I don’t know who could have done something even worse (i.e. how my ex partners both have new partners even though one of them would drug me).

I can provide more info if needed; I tried my best to keep this short.