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Bubbly-Incident t1_j9h6acb wrote

>Did he do it before? Was our entire relationship a lie?

I really don't think so, from what you've told here your boyfriend didn't mind doing things only with you, especially after his fight with his friends.

What I and my phony know-it-all-ism think it happened was that his friend came out during this time that they were apart and realized he had feelings towards your boyfriend back in their military days and he unfortunately did this.

Because if your boyfriend never gave the impression that they previously hooked up in the past, if he never felt visibly awkward when you joked about it or if he never kept on talking a lot about Leo, I presume there's no reason to think that something happened before between the two and no reason to think that your boyfriend "was secretly in love with him" all of this time...

Since you two have this intimacy of using each others phones, just be honest with him: tell him exactly what you told here about you trying to take a picture of your cat, that the message popped up and you couldn't help feeling uneasy... it is an extraordinary thing to happen to anyone and I think he'll understand why you read their conversation.

You sound like a cool person, I hope you can sort this thing out. I really can't imagine how you must be feeling and at the same time asking to yourself what in the world has happened... take care.

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AllYouNeedIsATV t1_j9hx2j3 wrote

“I think he’ll understand why you read that conversation”… uh what? Boyfriend is a cheater why do we care about how he feels about how OP found out.

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Jl4233 t1_j9i1g0y wrote

Yeah I feel like there are a ton of super weird responses trying to tip toe around cheater's feelings. If he had been banging a woman behind her back i really don't think these people would be being so empathetic.

If the guy was struggling to be out i feel bad for him about that. But he's also a grade A scumbag for cheating on what sounds like an incredibly caring and devoted girlfriend. There's nothing to "work out" here, he doesn't deserve her effort.

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Northstar1989 t1_j9ihvt3 wrote

You need to get out of the habit of treating people you heard cheated (which, might not even be true: this story sounds real, but people definitely make up false claims. For instance, my father, who cheated on my mother, made up false claims she cheated on him so people would hate her instead...) as inhuman.

This is really no different than how some people treat the homeless, drug addicts, etc. Or how people used to treat men and women, simply for being gay.

These people are all still human. Maybe one hurt you in the past: but that's no excuse to treat an entire group of people who made one mistake as inhuman monsters.

And, again, I've seen how people can abuse this tendency by spreading false rumors about someone cheating.

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Northstar1989 t1_j9ihhf1 wrote

>think it happened was that his friend came out during this time that they were apart and realized he had feelings towards your boyfriend back in their military days and he unfortunately did this.

This is my instinct too.

Those who serve together in the military develop a very close bond, and unfortunately that likely made it harder for the bf to resist the temptation to cheat.

He still screwed up, BAD, but cheating with someone you were in literal life-and-death situations with is at least a little understandable.

>Since you two have this intimacy of using each others phones, just be honest with him: tell him exactly what you told here about you trying to take a picture of your cat, that the message popped up and you couldn't help feeling uneasy... it is an extraordinary thing to happen to anyone and I think he'll understand why you read their conversation.

Honesty is indeed always the best policy.

A lot of people here saying "fuck it, he's a cheater" need to realize cheaters are still human- and there's no reason to make things worse with them than necessary.

It reminds me far too much of how people treat drug addiction, the homeless, etc. I.E. dehumanizing others. Sadly, most of us could have been in their shoes were our upbringing and circumstances different.

Also, this kind of dehumanization becomes so toxic that people can ruin someone's reputation merely by spreading falsely rumors of past drug use, sexual deviance, etc.

I know my father spread such completely false rumors about my mother after her divorcing him, for instance (in reality, he cheated on her).

So, don't get in the habit of dehumanizing others.

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