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ValorousSalmon t1_j8hfceq wrote

Contrary to what so many people believe - it is indeed possible to stop sleeping with people, and still remain friends.

You did not F-Up. Do not push away Jake and Lena. Talk to them. Let them help you through this like the close friends that they are.

We men have a horrible habit of suffering alone through shit like this. We don’t have to. I know this really sucks for you right now, everything hurts, and pushing people away seems like the right idea. But you really don’t have to do that.

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GsTSaien t1_j8hoojh wrote

He did fuck up by witholding this information, but not by staying friends.

He should be upfront about it with possible new partners and find someone who it doesn't bother.

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Alittlemoorecheese t1_j8khpo6 wrote

No? Why would this be the only sexual relationship that must be disclosed? By that logic, everybody should disclose their past sex life without ever being asked.

She's over-reacting. Nothing he has done in the past should determine their future together.

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GsTSaien t1_j8kn72d wrote

Any past sexual relationship should be disclosed if relevant, as is the case when you are still friends with past partners.

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Alittlemoorecheese t1_j9x2fib wrote

How is it relevant?

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GsTSaien t1_j9x2nwf wrote

If you are still seeing the people you were sexually involved with, that is a variable that your partner should know. It is not your call to decide if your partner is ok with that or not. You can break it off with someone who is not ok with it if you want, but you don't get to decide ir they are comfortable with that or not. By not telling them something important like that, you rob your partner of their right to decide how they feel about that.

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Alittlemoorecheese t1_ja0ff6i wrote

There are two people in a relationship. Things can remain "personal" to either party in the relationship until the relationship develops further. This includes sexual history.

"Getting to know you" is not the same as "You must tell me everything now." Not to mention you would be basing everything on something you arbitrarily made up and are expecting someone to guess what that made-up thing is. Crimes? Work history? Dental records?

People aren't stock lined up for you to evaluate.

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Sergio_82 t1_j8hqqyu wrote

I agree, op shouldn’t push the friends away but find a partner who would understand but of course stop sleeping with them and just remain friends

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hossaepi t1_j8k1ftn wrote

Wait, was OP sleeping with them now? Or just years ago and now in the past?

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Sergio_82 t1_j8k1vtm wrote

Don’t know but I think by the time Op met her SO wasn’t any longer sleeping with them, at least I hope so.

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nameforthissite t1_j8i0enk wrote

These are exactly my thoughts. People can move on from romantic/sexual relationships to platonic friendships and not every future partner will be threatened by that. I could understand severing the relationships with Jake and Lena if Sabrina was still in the picture, but don’t preemptively cut them off because you think a future hypothetical partner would have a problem with them. As long as you’re open from the start, you’ll learn who’d have an issue with it and who wouldn’t and you can decide then which relationships are more important to you if it comes to it. For now, your friends will be the ones most understanding of your current situation and able to help you heal. And for the future, be honest with your partner about your situation.

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brightmiff t1_j8hi1jv wrote

You have put into words quite succinctly what i was thinking

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Vetharien t1_j8ki4d7 wrote

I don't necessarily disagree but it's clear that OP still has some type of intimacy going on with the two considering the gf picked up pretty clear hints there at least was something going on in the past. I know platonic friendship can look differently for everyone but when you bring a new person into your life with that sort of info they deserve to know upfront and potential boundaries and questions/answers should have been put forth.

It was a trainwreck simply because they thought hiding pertinent info from the S/O was a good idea. I do hope the two can further talk things out, the friendship can be kept, and boundaries can be put in place to ensure everyone's happy and comfortable.

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[deleted] t1_j8i42pc wrote

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ShadowGateShadowGate t1_j8j8s44 wrote

I don't think that's entirely true. Sabrina has boundaries too and she doesn't need to compromise them for OP. Sometimes you're just incompatible with someone for a reason like that and no amount of love can change that.

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