This morning I had to bring my wife to the airport for an early flight, so it threw off my morning bathroom constitutional. After dropping her off, I immediately went to work. A few hours later I finally had the chance to step away and use the bathroom. I normally don’t use my work bathroom because it’s a single restroom & we have many employees so it’s almost always occupied. Because of this it’s been a while since I’ve used it.

Now with my stomach rumbling I hobbled downstairs and thankfully the bathroom was open. I went in, drop my trousers, begin to sit down and found that the seat is super loose. I’m not sure the proper name for it, but this seat is the style with the crotch open, like a giant U, usually used in public restrooms. As my cheeks meet toilet, the seat slips from beneath me and violently shifts to my left. I slide to my right, the left side leans up, and simultaneously my testicles swing & land under the left edge of the toilet seat. As I recover, I level out, causing my acorns to get pinched/crushed between the seat and the bowl. I cry out from the pain, the cold porcelain, and the embarrassment.

The sudden shock caused me to instantly launch a turd-missle as I struggled to stand up and free my balls from the toothless bear trap they were now stuck in. I jumped up and instantly tripped because my pants were still around my ankles & then fell forward against the large supply shelf. Thankfully this dislodged my bean bag and I was able to catch myself from face planting.

You might be thinking to yourself “self, that’s unfortunate for this person and their cojones, but that’s not really a FU but rather a horrible, terrible, no good accident.”

Well here is where IFU. You see, a few weeks ago, an employee brought the loose toilet seat to my attention and asked if I could have it replaced . I said of course and then immediately forgot to put in the work order with maintenance. And now because of my forgetfulness, my ego as well as my coin purse are feeling quite bruised.

And yes, a work order for a new toilet seat was immediately placed.

TL;DR I forgot to put in a work order for a new toilet seat at work and when I used the restroom the seat clamped down on my testicles.