TIFU by messing up my relationship with my best friend

Submitted by Show-Representative t3_10tzppr in tifu

TL;DR: I fell in love(not really) with my childhood best friend and she cut off all contact with me from 4th-11th grade. In my final high school semester, she sits next to me and my heart beats too fast for my own good. What am I feeling, and what do I do?

Ok tbf this wasn't today, it was in 4th or 5th grade. Regardless, it's affecting my situation today.

Basically, when I started school, I became best friends with this one girl instantly. Let's call her V. We did almost everything together, and had fun doing it. There was even this one time she threw a block of ice and it ended up hitting my face. It was an accident and she was sorry, but I found it utterly hilarious. When my mom asked what happened to my face, I told her I threw some ice and it hit my face. She didn't believe me but whatever, let's move on.

So yeah a few years go by and we're both in the same class again in 4th grade. That's when I started to fall in love. I didn't understand what I was feeling, so I assumed it was love. I understand now (a little too late) that it wasn't love to begin with. I never told her directly that I liked her, but my asshat friends did. That's basically when it all started falling apart. She started ignoring me, and did whatever she could to avoid being near me. Anyways this goes on for 2 full torturous years, where my best friend hated me (at least it's what it felt like).

We both end up going to the same middle school. I was always in the slightly smarter classes, while she was a class or two below. 6th grade goes by, nothing. 7th grade goes by, nothing. 8th grade, šŸ˜®ā€šŸ’Ø. We end up in the same class, me moving down 1 and her moving up a couple. V doesn't avoid me as much as she used to, but it's still obvious that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I was cool with that, cuz I was over liking her, and I was an idiot that was incredibly annoying, so I wasn't to invested in feelings. So that year goes by and I get accepted to high school A, while literally everyone else is going to other high schools... except V (you guessed it).

We never had a single class together going through my first three years of high school. In fact I rarely ever saw V in the school (1.5 years in Covid prolly didn't help me get any more socialable). I became more reserved over quarantine, and tried to keep to myself more often than not. 12th grade, first semester, nothing at all. First day of my final semester, walk into my first class, and she's there. I'm internally panicking, while she doesn't seem to pay any mind. I knew she recognized me, cuz I literally look the same as middle school (sad ik). But she was just sitting there. I sat a little ways off from her.

Next day rolls around, and only God knows how, she's sitting. Right. Next. To. Me. I tried to keep myself cool, but my heart must've been beating twice it's normal amount. It was bad. I felt sick and in pain. But obviously I couldn't show that much. I've been realizing recently that V was the main reason that I find it difficult to talk to girls, especially certain types of girls. And I find it incredibly confusing as to why my heart beats as hard as it does. I'm afraid I'll have a legitimate heart attack in class. But I don't know what to do. I know for a fact that I don't like her, but I also know I don't hate her. I don't know what I'm feeling (it feels like fear). What should I do?

TL;DR: I fell in love(not really) with my childhood best friend and she cut off all contact with me from 4th-11th grade. In my final high school semester, she sits next to me and my heart beats too fast for my own good. What am I feeling, and what do I do?

Edit: Put spaces between paragraphs (Sorry for any mistakes, wrote this entire rant on my phone.)

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_j79rdnc wrote

The fact that you call her your best friend even though she didnā€™t talk to you, much less be your best friend, for 8 of the 10 years accounted for in this story means that you are too obsessed with her

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rpapafox t1_j79pt9d wrote

You need to realize that she is not worth your worry. Nothing is going to happen, so just accept that sitting near her means absolutely nothing as far as a relationship is concerned. No desire, no fear, just nothing. Just acknowledge her presence (a simple hey) and move on with the rest of your day.

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Show-Representative OP t1_j7b2v4b wrote

The simplicity of the solution really makes it sound easy. I'll take this into account during the next encounter. Thanks!

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KittikatB t1_j79o622 wrote

She's given you years of hints. Take them.

Harsh, yes, but apparently needs to be said. If she's interested in talking to you, she'll talk to you. Until then, she's made it clear she doesn't want to

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Show-Representative OP t1_j7b3k0b wrote

Ouch. You're right about that much, but I've never attempted to talk to her or anything before, so it's not about interest either. Ik she doesn't like me and I don't like her. But thanks for the advice anyhow

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[deleted] t1_j79uxpe wrote

Iā€™d leave it there dawg. It hurts I know but itā€™s time to let I rest. You canā€™t let a single girl run your life from like age 9-18. Think about it thatā€™s half your life spent hung up on her. She isnā€™t interested but someone will be so itā€™s better you move on now than get labeled as creepy or get hurt later on

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Show-Representative OP t1_j7b30r2 wrote

Well you see I honestly didn't even remember her for most of the time, so that's why I feel hung up now. You're definitely right tho, I've been trying to move on and let things go in life very often.

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Catapelta t1_j7a8ea4 wrote

You had a crush on her almost a decade ago dude. Sheā€™s not even the same person at all anymore. Donā€™t even try to talk it out with her, youā€™ll definitely get labeled as a creep immediately. You gotta get a hobby like going to the gym or start talking to some other girl. Anything to remove her from your thoughts.

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Show-Representative OP t1_j7b3d4v wrote

I said this in an earlier comment, but I honestly forgot about her entirely for most of my years. It's almost like a train of feelings coming back. But you're definitely right about getting her out of my mind, it's like a parasite.

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Elelith t1_j7ejeoh wrote

Let those feels drive right past the station.

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Heress_Johnny t1_j7a5kfy wrote

That legit sounds like anxiety. You're overthinking your past situation with this girl so much that when she's there in person, it causes you internal panic. Rest assured it's not love, but mentally this clearly has taken a toll on you. Either you talk it out with her about your falling out (easier said than done) or you just avoid contact (not healthy either). Good luck!

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demiurgent t1_j7aufyv wrote

Agreed! OP, you're not describing the heart flutter of a crush, you're describing a panic attack. You're fixating on her so much, your subconscious sees the situation as a threat and is putting your body through a simulated near death experience. Problem is without an actual threat to work through, it's just unpleasant.

Strongly recommend you look into resources for dealing with social anxiety. You're currently only reacting to her presence, but if you keep on, you'll react to the possibility she might be present, then to the memory of previous reactions and eventually you'll just have this reaction every time anyone sits next to you anywhere and it will ruin your life.

Source: diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and suffered through escalation for decades before I knew what was going on. On the bright side, it's fixable. You just have to put in some effort.

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Show-Representative OP t1_j7b40jo wrote

Holy shit. I never even thought about my entire situation being like this. This is the perfect explanation of what's happening to me. Unfortunately that's not a good thing, huh. I myself have come to realize that I have to get some closure, and just work on improving myself mentally and physically. Thanks so much my dude.

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MajisTek t1_j7a5ybc wrote

You need to focus on yourself and your journey. Keep growing and discovering things you enjoy in life, make friends that you will invest in for the long run. Have fun and do you.

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evogg22 t1_j7afq6e wrote

It's sad to hear. Unfortunately she probably has moved past everything, and you've internalised it. She was never really a good friend to you anyway. You shared some memories but thats all, maybe they exist in your mind but not hers. It's just anxiety now, these feelings. I feel like you could take the risk and ask her why she just disappeared but go in with the thought that she doesn't owe you anything, or just focus on yourself and move forward, appreciate the memories and move forward my guy - the latter is better, if you can do this more in life, the problems resolve themself, it's a real lesson some of us should've learned earlier. I'm not even good at that yet. First step is realising, the next you decide.

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Show-Representative OP t1_j7b4h4z wrote

This is a really good point. I think I'll commit to the latter, considering its only up from here. The former might just make me spiral into anxiety.

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MadKillerKittens t1_j7i3qjh wrote

Platonic crushes are also a thing.

You held someone in high esteem. They got grossed out by you and rejected you repeatedly for years. You are anxious and probably excited to no longer have them shunning you so adamantly.

I'd probably ask to talk, mention that you considered them a best friend and idolized them a bit, but then they shunned you for years and now you feel anxious to be around them and would like to finally hear their side in order to get closure.

Make sure that you mention you aren't after a friendship anymore and don't want anything from them, that you never coped with the ended childhood friendship and are just hoping that maybe a conversation about it can help you relax more around them in class, and that it's okay if they don't want to talk about it.

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Flower_girl2 t1_j7afv20 wrote

Nothing happened in the story. Ur upset about a person who ghosted u in 4th grade. Seriously..nothing happened after that.

She just sat next to u. Ignore it. Act like she isn't there

I'm guessing ur gay since u didn't put any genders in the story. (Straight girls always thinks the gays are in love with them. It's exhausting)

Also, please, put spaces between paragraphs.

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Show-Representative OP t1_j7b4zce wrote

Very simplified version, but accurate for the most part. I really should ignore her as well, but I think it's easy for my brain and hard for my heart. (Sorry sister, straight as a ruler here, and so is the girl. Also I definitely shoulda put spaces, my bad)

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