Orphylia t1_jaani4z wrote
I'm admittedly still not sure I understand the logic behind not telling you, but I hope the both of you are able to work things out.
Verbose_Cactus t1_jaawwyr wrote
To be fair, feelings and grief are really irrational creatures
kainprime82 t1_jaazfsp wrote
They really are. My mom died from cancer 2 years ago. Sometimes, during a grief induced spiral, I'll find myself blaming myself for her cancer. It was ovarian cancer, and I'll get on this bender about how there's something wrong with me (I've had emotional problems since early childhood, depression and such) and that must have infected my mom and ultimately killed her.
I KNOW it's completely illogical, but in those down moments, I convince myself otherwise.
Grief is a fucking beast man.
Xrgonic369 t1_jab4mp6 wrote
I’m a chemist, and have now done some drug discovery research; but when my mom died of cancer I was only in undergrad. I still feel guilty for not being able to save her even though it’s rather absurd to think I could have.
So I very much agree. Grief can make us feel things we cognitively know are irrational.
Kveldson t1_jacp0dk wrote
I'm sorry friend. Lost my mom to ovarian as well.
She wasn't a great mom, but she was my mom and I loved her. Fucked me up for quite a while.
When I started bawling after my (then) 2 and a half year old asked where my mommy was (she knows her other gtandmother very well) and had to explain through tears while my toddler hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.... that's when I knew that I needed to find a therapist.
That helped a lot. Might be worth looking into for yourself.
Anyway, best of luck.
Verbose_Cactus t1_jae8jeb wrote
I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. I’m glad you can recognize how irrational those thoughts are, though. It will never be your fault. You made her life ten times more valuable. You gave so much love.
If you don’t already see a therapist, I really do recommend it. Healing is so hard to do alone. They’ve helped me get through a lot
Maatix t1_jabhhcp wrote
Was just gonna come say this.
Sure, it doesn't really make sense, but for all we know it was still a fairly fresh wound. And even if it wasn't - There's no timer on how long it takes to heal. Had a coworker who went through something similar, it has been something like 10 years and he still has trouble thinking about dating again. He returns to the thought about him "betraying" his spouse - Even though he knows with absolute certainty (and his spouse told him beforehand that it would be ok) that they would never be angry about them dating again after they passed.
It's just how our brains are wired.
ThisShouldBeObvious2 t1_jacrdpa wrote
When you REALLY love someone and lose them, meeting someone new can feel like the deepest kind of betrayal, of their memory and of your commitment in marriage. To some people, it’s akin to finally letting go and that’s so much harder than many people here seem to realize.
Heavy-Lawfulness-994 t1_jaay69l wrote
He didn’t want to forget the significance of his relationship with his late husband and he felt that sharing this information with his current partner, someone he loves, will make him start to forget those memories and move on. In reality he needs to move on but it’s easier said than done.
greenmachine11235 t1_jaayyop wrote
For some people talking about a trauma is akin to reliving the event so they try not to talk about it. It's not a good coping mechanism by any means but it's an understandable one.
Orphylia t1_jab0hz3 wrote
I can 100% understand not wanting to "relive" it, but OP's husband said that talking about it would make him feel like he's forgetting his husband. I don't think that's really the same thing. Someone else gave a more plausible explanation, but grief convinces people of all kinds of things, so ultimately, it's probably useless attempting to reason through something like this coming from someone I don't know.
Mattmandu2 t1_jaba6zf wrote
Idk you’ve never just not had an appropriate time to bring something up and then it just went so long it became awkward?
Suitable-Pirate-4164 t1_jab6i46 wrote
You think it's normal to talk about how your late husband killed himself and that's how your previous relationship ended is a normal thing? There's nothing logical about that, only pain and only masochists like pain. I doubt he's a masochist.
Honoring someone by celebrating what they enjoyed to talking about them are two different things too.
FidmeisterPF t1_jac6iei wrote
I think you’ll never understand unless you have to deal with such grief, I sincerely hope you never have to.
kronos91O t1_jad7q3o wrote
Love and grief often has a tendency to take logic out of the picture.
YoshiPikachu t1_jaeqbhp wrote
Everyone handles grief differently. Especially in cases of suicide.
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