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lavishlad t1_it4twcc wrote

Reply to comment by nowhereman1223 in TIFU by asking my friend out and destroying our chance of being together. by IAMSRK07

>I suppose dressing nice and dancing is an invite to have sex?

Except I'm the one suggesting people should be more direct, so I'm not sure why you'd think I think that.

It's not her fault alone - it's both of their faults, his for not being able to understand she wasn't interested, and hers for not realizing that he'd not stop trying.

And so I'm suggesting that her not being direct ended up causing more trouble for both parties in the long run. This could be avoided by either being direct, or stopping to spend time with him after indirectly saying no to him.

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AttractiveNuisance37 t1_it4vclp wrote

I think you're underestimating the potential danger women face being more direct with Nice Guy types. I'm absolutely not accusing OP of anything here, but there is, in general, a safety aspect underlying a lot of the gentl3 non-rejection rejections, so just telling women to be more direct is not super helpful.

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lavishlad t1_it51p8g wrote

Yeah I realize that the indirectness, like most common behaviors, is born out of necessity more than anything.

Just saying that it can give the guy an excuse to reason out that it wasn't really a rejection. And if the guy asks to hang out a lot still, after the incident, it should be an immediate red flag for the girl that he hasn't got the message.

Because if it was a direct rejection, very few guys would be okay with hanging out with the girl too often after the incident.

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nowhereman1223 t1_it4uuwj wrote

You are blaming someone for not giving an answer in a direct enough way for you or someone else to accept as the answer.

Just take a No as a No. “Nah, not tonight” with no offer for a different time is a No. “Nah, not tonight, but next Wednesday works” is a yes for next Wednesday.

It’s not that difficult. But saying anything at all that blames someone for not yelling No at the pest is a problem.

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lavishlad t1_it519i3 wrote

>But saying anything at all that blames someone for not yelling No at the pest is a problem

This is the exact type of black-and-white thinking I find so exhausting arguing with. Nothing is an absolute, there is always a scope for suggestions on how something can be done differently.

Just to reiterate my point, a "Nah, not tonight" should be just taken as a "no" by someone thinking rationally, but it has the potential to not be by guys who are in denial. They can reason it out with themselves that "maybe she really meant some other time works fine" - I've seen people do it first hand.

I understand there are other reasons to not be direct, which makes sense to an extent, which is why I'm suggesting the alternative of being indirect and then not spending more time with the person.

If after the initial "No, not tonight", the guy asks to hang out again the next day, the girl should just not. If the guy really got her message, he wouldn't be asking to hang out so soon after anyway.

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IAMSRK07 OP t1_it66mof wrote

I agree with this, it's my fault in persisting her but at the same time she didn't speak her mind even at one instance.

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