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MonstahButtonz t1_j1x3a2r wrote

Reply to comment by R3DLOTU5 in TIFU by missing out on the girl that could’ve been the one by kitfoxx

I don't know. That wound definitely make being engaged a tough thing and cause discomfort for at least 1 of the 3 people in that situation in my opinion. Likely more.

Honestly, if it's taken that long, OP may think she would've been the perfect girl, just because she's the onky one who matched the things he's currently decided he wants in life.

But ultimately, the likelihood of another person coming along who also matches OPs preferences (and potentially even more than "Taylor" does, is pretty high.

OP just needs to play the dating field more than the hooking up field, and I think he'll quickly find that once he knows what he wants, and is comfortable expressing that to others, that finding the right person becomes easy once you know what your criteria are, and voice it during dates. In an appropriate manner of course. Don't be weird and cringe, lol.

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kitfoxx OP t1_j1ye2hz wrote

Yours is the comment I keep rereading. I agree that telling her would probably make things bad for at least one of the three involved. And there’s only really two outcomes. I blow up her life for her to be with me and things work out between us (and that’s so unlikely) or we stop talking all together. Because she couldn’t still be friends with me if I’m saying I want to be with her. It changes everything. I may have to decide if that’s worth it but I think it’s not.

And I like your optimism that I could find someone else like her. I’ve done the dating (yes a little too much hookup too) and it just hasn’t felt right. I think the dating made me realize I only ever felt that way about her. But I’m also just so stuck in this feeling right now and it’s hard to escape. With time, hopefully things will get better and I’ll be able to move on. It seems difficult to comprehend now though.

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Data_lord t1_j1ymsd1 wrote

You can't be friends with her, please realize that. You will ALWAYS want to be with her and that is not what friendship is about. Give up that thought. Just tell her, make the big bang happen either way and you can move on with your life.

So shoot your shot, it's the last one you get.

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Impulsive94 t1_j1yg195 wrote

Fuck it, you're barely communicating with her as it is and you're stringing along your pain. Tell her about your journey, tell her you've realised what you actually want. Preempt it with understanding that she may not want to maintain contact and that her fiancé isn't comfortable with you being friends. Tell her you're sorry and exactly how you feel, then drop the bomb.

Like you say, two possible outcomes most likely - either you nail it and she feels the same which is a win for you, or she accepts/appreciates it but is happy with the other dude and you part ways. You'll feel better for finally telling her and if it doesn't work out, you can move on without being reminded about her all the time.

This is a selfish way to do things but at this point can you really see you staying friends considering her fiancé is already uncomfortable with you being in contact with her?

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dougramz t1_j1ysqdz wrote

You'll get a another chance when she's divorced.

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Topinambourg t1_j1z1axc wrote

Even from her perspective, she is not going to believe you.

She is going to believe that you think it on the moment, but she's just going to see it as a reaction from her getting engaged. And that's not what she wants anyway. Even if deep down she would want it to work with you, she doesn't want to risk it all for you when it seems like it's an emotional response to her getting engaged. Because then you could change your mind 4 months later as abruptly. It doesn't sound "safe".

I don't know Taylor, but I assume she is around your age so around 35. This is the time lot of people (and mostly women) decide it's time to settle if they want to start a family. And even if everyone would love to settle with the love of their life, it often isn't the case. But the next best thing is to find a loving partner, that provides stability and security, that will be a good loving parent. If she found that, she isn't going to blow everything to risk it with you, because yes you are a risk, and her time is a limited resource.

I had a similar experience, and when she said she wanted to stop, and I learnt she met a "safe" guy to settle with, I tried to show her I was ready. She told me I should have done this before, and basically she can't be sure if I'm being truthful or if I'm just like that as a reaction. And to her that was too big of a risk, she couldn't lose more time when she is getting older and wants a family.

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