So this wasn’t today, but actually has gone on for many many years. And sorry, this ended up being a super long one.

To start, I’ll say that I was in a relationship from age 14-24. That girl was my first everything. I didn’t know anything else. We spent every moment together through high school, college, and after. I missed parties, gatherings, and all opportunities to really make friends. I was engrossed in that relationship. So when I got out of that, I realized how trapped and unhappy I was and I developed some commitment and relationship issues. I also decided to go a little wild with dating apps and met many women. And I had a lot of fun exploring new things.

Around 2013 or 2014, I matched with this one girl. I’ll call her Taylor. I never intended much more than fun out of it, but we seemed to click really well. Liked a lot of the same things. I became really excited to meet her… until she ghosted me.

But after not too long, we reconnected and started talking again. I had learned she had just gotten a little too nervous about the situation before. We eventually met up and things were great. Problem was, I was moving. She lived in my hometown in Missouri. I was moving to Los Angeles. But we remained friends. Albeit, ones with more interest than just friendship. Sometimes we’d have sex talks. Sometimes we’d talk about missing each other. But life still went on.

Occasionally she would ghost me again. That would happen when she got into another relationship. When she had a boyfriend, I would rarely, if ever, hear from her. This would make me sad as I still really valued our friendship. Especially to talk about the latest horror movies! But I got used to the disappearing act. I’d just always hope she’d come back. In all that, I still felt so close to her. And I would feel ecstatic the moment she returned.

I’ll add that throughout this, when we were talking, we’d get together when I’d come home to visit (which I do twice a year). I still remember how fun it was seeing Midsommar with her. And sometimes we’d even have sex. So clearly it was more than just friends. We had a few times talked about what it would be like to actually date but she was very family oriented in Missouri and I didn’t want to pull her away from that while I was trying to get my career going in LA. I didn’t know how I could handle the long distance and still hadn’t worked through my relationship issues.

Meanwhile, I’m still playing the field. Having fun with other women but never fully committing because I was afraid. Eventually I did meet someone who was married and poly. Perfect situation for me. All the joys of the relationship but not feeling like I was trapped or had to devote all attention or anything. It was nice. She was amazing and we are still friends to this day.

Eventually, Taylor decided to fly out to see me. She got an Airbnb and we spent the whole week together. It was so fun! We did so many things around LA including the I Like Scary Movies event! I even introduced her to all my friends. And I did tell her about the woman I was seeing. She was disappointed. Me being my oblivious self, I had thought Taylor just came to hang and spend time together. I only found out much later after the fact when she told me, that she really wanted to see if we could make things work. She flew there for me. I had no idea. I felt so dumb. I clearly botched that. Definitely some miscommunication, but I should’ve picked up on things better. And for some reason, I didn’t take that as the sign to try. I just still wasn't ready.

We went back to our normal, but she was still the person I loved talking to the most. I’d still get so upset when she’d disappear on me, but I can’t expect her to wait for me or anything. She has a life to live.

In 2020, I met another girl. I’ll call her Rebecca. It was so hard dating during the pandemic. We barely got to see each other. We’d have calls and video chats. But it was nearly a long distance relationship for a good chunk of it. It took a long time of dating before I was finally able to commit and call her my girlfriend. A big step for me as I had not called anyone that since my 10-year ex. And it took me like 5-6 months of dating to finally make it official. I’ve got problems haha. But I felt optimistic about being in a relationship finally.

That relationship lasted about a year. Took me a while to get over because she was the first person I trusted enough to commit to and have a full relationship with. She just wasn’t the one. While there were many ups and downs with her, it made me realize some things. 1) I was ready for a committed relationship even though that one didn’t work out, and 2) I should start therapy.

Therapy has been wonderful. Learned a lot about myself. Helped me get through the break up and figure out what went wrong. And eventually, had me examine what I really want in someone that I’d want to spend my life with. Because I finally felt ready. I kind of made a check list of all the things that would be perfect in someone. Just so many different things and I could see how so many of the women I had been with didn’t fit. Except one.

I came to this realization around the end of 2021 and beginning of 2022. Taylor fit everything. It took me 8 or so years to see it, but I could be so happy with this girl. I couldn’t believe it had taken me this long. It felt so obvious. Problem was, she had a boyfriend. But I’ve been through this many times with her. I wasn’t fully wishing it to not work out because I don’t want her to go through bad times. But selfishly, I wanted to finally see if this could work between us.

Then the devastation hit. I opened Instagram to her engagement post. My heart dropped. I couldn’t believe after all that time, I just missed it. I will never forget that feeling. It’s one I still feel at least partially today. Knowing that I could’ve been with the perfect girl, and losing it. And also knowing that I was given opportunity after opportunity but let my fears and worries take over. I feel so dumb for not realizing sooner. For not giving her a real chance. It’s like she’s the one that got away, but because of my own stupidity. She tried to be with me, but I wasn’t ready. When I was finally ready, she was gone.

Me being a movie person, it’s hard to get out of my head that this feels like the end of Act II. That I’m in my “All is Lost” moment and this will just be an obstacle for our happily ever after. The reconnection and being together is yet to come. But that's a dream. Then I think from her perspective. She might’ve finished her movie. She made it to the end of Act III and is ready for her happily ever after. It’s hard to accept, but that’s just how things are.

She rarely talks to me now. We were supposed to meet up for lunch in the summer when I was visiting. She bailed because she hadn’t told her fiancé about our past. Once she did, he seemed uncomfortable. We’ve had brief texts from time to time. Most holiday or horror stuff but it’s just a simple exchange. I reached out to her while visiting home for Christmas. She actually replied and said we could get lunch because we have something we need to talk about. That lunch is tomorrow and I’m nervous as hell. I fully expect a complete cut off. It’ll hurt, but I’m mentally preparing for it. I just hope I actually get to see her and she doesn’t back out. It would be very her to cancel. But it’d be nice to have a conversation, no matter how hard.

Part of me wants to tell her my feelings. But I don’t want to be an asshole. I had my chance. Scratch that. I had my chances. I don’t want to at all try to ruin things if she’s happy. Because her happiness is important to me. And I’d rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all. But it’s not fully up to me. It also just sucks knowing I’ve got to hold this in.

Which is what leads me to this post. I have plenty of friends but none that I really discuss this kind of stuff with. I have therapy but I feel it’s not a good enough outlet right now. Plus I’m on a break from it while home in Missouri. That’s why I’m doing this super long post here. For all the randoms to read. I never post things, but this really felt like the best way to get it out. I’m sure I’ll sound like such an idiot to many. I know how oblivious I was and the poor decisions I made. I hope I don’t come off as an asshole or like I unknowingly treated her poorly. Sometimes it’s hard to see from your own perspective. I just wish I was ready sooner. Even by a few months. My life could be totally different with a bright future ahead. Instead now I am just feeling so down and alone. Stuck on thoughts of her. Afraid to see her face because it’ll bring all the emotions back up. It’s so hard not playing the “what if” game in my head.

But there it is. My shitty saga of regret. Sorry I went on so long but it felt cathartic to tell the full story. I hope it was at least enjoyable to read or something.

TL;DR Spent years of friendship and almost dating the perfect girl for me without realizing it until it was too late and she got engaged to someone else.

UPDATE: Sorry the update took me a bit. We've been talking the past few days and I just got out of therapy so I'm ready to finally post this.

First off, she canceled. As expected. We did not meet up. But we did text about why. She felt uncomfortable because she didn’t want to put her fiancé in that situation. She knows she would feel iffy if he was meeting up with someone he used to be with. I understand that. She’s right. But damn did I want to have that conversation in person at least.

She said that this uncomfortableness was why we have barely talked recently. She wants us to be able to still talk about movies and our lives but just needs clear boundaries. Which probably means I’ll never see her in person. Just more of a friend to text on occasion to catch up. Definitely not ideal but I guess it’s something.

I had trouble holding back how upset I was. Not in an angry way or anything. Just hurt but I understood. And it was hard not to hint that this all meant more to me. But I guess it’s good I didn’t say more. But thinking about it now, I’m surprised she didn’t pick up on anything. Why would I be this upset over the friendship changing? Like we'll actually be talking more than we have in the past few months. Maybe she did pick up on it and doesn't want to say anything. I wouldn't blame her. But she didn't give any indication.

I’ll add that the conversation was super hard because I felt like I was lying to her. She’s explain that friendships change, especially as people focus on families and marriages. I know. That’s not why I’m upset. But to her it is. And I’ve got to talk about it like it is. In the end, I wish I would’ve managed to hold back more and not let on that I’m upset about anything. Just to let things seem normal. But it was very difficult in the moment. Maybe I’ll get it back there.

For now, I have decided to let it be and not tell her. As bad as I want to get it out, I don't feel it would be fair to her. This is all just something for me to live with. I'm not sure how I'll handle being her friend while wanting so much more. I guess we’ll see how things progress. And maybe one day I will finally tell her. But not now.

This doesn’t seem like a terribly eventful follow up but there it it. Thank you all for reading my story. I’ve enjoyed reading the comments and hearing all the advice.