Oop thanks :)

I recommend the Netflix docuseries "how to change your life mind" - Michael Pollan explores 4 different psychedelics, their history and uses.

Hamilton's pharmacopeia is really good you (vice docuseries, can be found in Hulu)

Can I start by asking you a question-

When was the last time you felt truly safe and relaxed? And then for you to ask yourself several questions: where were you at the time, what was it that made you feel safe, were you listening to something in particular? A certain vibe, doing anything?

I still struggle to physically identify symptoms of anxiety, but I recognize them in my behavior now. I didn't realize how "easy" it was to trigger your amygdala into reacting for you, because I was always living in a sort of survival mode. Therapy aside (my therapist taught me how to be curious about myself and how to recognize and deal with trauma responses)- what helped me the most was recognizing you literally can't access the rational part of your brain (prefrontal cortex) when you are upset, but you can train yourself to change your reactions and get to your rational side sooner (this is what mindfulness practice can do).

I love sharing this TikTok, that along with starting to read "Nurturing Our Humanity" by Robert Sapolsky has really helped me understand my own and others' behavior so much more... It's really freeing, in a way! But I think the Trauma healing part is really important if that is something you struggle with. I don't know why I never realized how much my childhood could affect me as an adult.

I don't know if any of this was obvious to you but I've pieced it all slowly together over the last year and a half and it's really helped me feel so much better.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRqypxeK/

I love to hear that kind of feedback, thank you! I'm glad and also sorry to hear it.

I can chat or answer any questions you have! I'm just trying to put knowledge out there because I wish I had that sooner, ha.

If there's no one in your life who can gently teach you how to regulate your emotions, this is where therapy can be helpful and has changed my life.

In essence I believe you are saying that you are unable to manage big emotions- which is very human and not your fault. We all have to be taught this! And if our parents didn't teach us (mine didn't), or another family member or a teacher or maybe a sports coach didn't... Who was left to teach you?

When you learn how to calm yourself past those big emotions you can access your rational brain again. Literally when you are "triggered" and start experiencing a Trauma response, you can't access your prefrontal cortex. I've been learning this over the past year, and personally I have found after everything I've tried, just learning how the brain works (and it isn't as complicated as I feared) has really helped me understand where the "inner critic" comes from- makes it a lot easier to tell it to stfu and be nice to you lol. I hope that helps?

(I want to add that avoiding things makes me feel better too. My main response to danger is to run away, or in modern terms, avoid things)

Have you heard of the "4 F's"? Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

Avoidance and procrastination can be a flight or freeze response. Or in other words, a trauma response.

For me it was Trauma and living in survival mode - it never got switched "off" as an adult because my environment was never truly safe for me.

It is safe now, I've gone to therapy and understand now that whenever I feel unsafe - aka reacting from a Trauma response - my main reaction is FLIGHT. This looks like avoidance, procrastination, dissociation and even laziness to others and myself. My whole life I let others convince me that I was lazy, when all my brain was doing was trying to protect itself the only way it knew how.

Thanks to therapy I've started to change how I react to things, I've become mindful to it, and it helps me stop my trauma responses anywhere from in the moment to days after. Recognizing it was the first step to changing it.

I no longer use the words lazy or procrastination. I no longer believe they're real concepts, I think they're words used by misunderstanding how our brain functions. It's too bad because shame was the main driver of me never asking myself why I felt that way: it made me assume I was a failure and a bad human. The reality was I was actually just being human.

That's so smart. I appreciate the suggestion.

If it helps, I'm going to use this as an impetus to try to use podcasts more mindfully to body double and stop being stuck in executive dysfunction loops. Something about body doubling really helps me get going when I need to clean or do a task (a part of me assumes having that connection there is less uncomfortable than being alone, so it's one less anxiety in the way).

I can't rely on my friends to help me all the time, because then I'll never do the dishes. I'll look to podcasts as a supplement.

It's just the task of finding the right podcast that I often get stuck on....