Lost_Carcosan
Lost_Carcosan t1_j9958kl wrote
Reply to comment by Not_theScrumPolice in [OT] Poetry Corner: Fire! by OldBayJ
I really like this! I like the way the lines lengthen as each stanza goes on but the rhyme scheme holds steady; It makes it feel like the pace of the poem picks up, rushing feverishly forward. The narrator is burning up over how he will be perceived and whether he will succeed or fail, but is able to use that fire nonetheless. I think my favorite line is >It feels queasy and uneasy and discordant in that spot.
where I feel like the rhythm really pays off.
I'm not totally sure what 'trope' means in the context of your third line and maybe a different word could pair with 'tire' there? Might just be me missing it though.
Lost_Carcosan t1_j948u26 wrote
Reply to [OT] Poetry Corner: Fire! by OldBayJ
Ode to a Campfire
I
Amid a tangled mass of trees and rock,
A forest where light dapples into shade,
A clearing lies where we have taken stock
To rest a while in this pleasant glade.
And when that rest is broke by hunger's call?
We walk no more; a campsite here is made.
Our tents rise up as sunlight starts to fall
Their pegs like roots are driven into earth
Firm foundations for our resting hall.
So dig we now a circle in the turf
Exposing stone much stabler and drier
Our carried wood shall prove its weight and worth
As with a sudden spark it turns to fire.
II
How brightly now our cooking fire burns
A thing of light and warmth within the wood
Smoke twists up and dances as it turns.
We have made a thing, and called it good
When it sates and satisfies our need
And in this moment all seems as it should
But fire, like a living thing must feed
To stave off death, it will all things devour
Consuming, unrepentant, in its greed.
So watchful we must be, although the hour
Grows late; the sun has made its westward arc
Our tool, our toy, still holds its heat and power
A last light as the world around grows dark.
III
Above us now, faint starlight spots the sky
Our fire banks in deference, to match
dim embers twisting red to please the eye
Our quiet conversations start and catch
Against the snap and crackle from the fire
Each silence taking longer to dispatch
Words and light and people all can tire
When lengthy days in nature reach the night
The flames know when to rest and to respire
So when the final moment feels just right
Douse the fire! With one last clap of steam!
Let darkness blanket now this forest night
And let us slip off smoothly into dream.
Lost_Carcosan t1_j9965a2 wrote
Reply to comment by RecklessSpeculation in [OT] Poetry Corner: Fire! by OldBayJ
I read this twice before I realized the word 'phoenix' isn't actually anywhere in it. It's cool that you managed to imply it so strongly.
Also chaparral is a really fun word.