Cast iron jans, a mandojin, and I even have some great glass measuring jups I intend to keep forever.

But seriously, materials matter and I think your best bet is to consider items that won't degrade over time, or ones that can be fixed. Iron, stainless steel, glass - if you learn how to care for them, they'll last you a lifetime. Plastic and nonstick can start to wear and get into your food. The Teflon stuff in particular is alluring, but troublesome because of the potential health hazards once they start to flake and chip. Never use metal gadgets with Teflon. you'll want silicon gadgets if that's what you prefer.

I hear what you're saying. I also think of Rodney Dangerfield and Mitch Hedburd among the greats too.

If this is satire, you're doing it so right.